Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I Saw Transformers 2 Last Night! (spoiler alerts) (kinda)

I am getting old.

I know I'm only 26, but man. I went to the midnight showing of Transformers 2 last night, got home around 3, went to bed around 3:30, and woke up at 7:30 to go to work. I use the term "woke up" loosely, because I'm still not entirely there. At one point in my life I could stay up for a week on nothing but sugar, Mountain Dew and sheer hormones. That seems to have all changed. If I'm not in bed by midnight, my body stops doing things for me in the morning. The little things, that you really don't appreciate until your body decides that it's had enough in this relationship. Things like coordination. Reflexes. The ability to construct a proper sentence. And what I appreciate the most, the ability to maintain a constant speed without the help of cruise control. On my way to work this morning, I would look down and be doing 85, then 45. I hate using cruise control in rush hour. Cruise in rush hour will get you killed.

On to the movie. This movie was sick. Amazing. Unbelievable! Sick is one of those words that my high school brother says a lot. Apparently it means cool. It doesn't work in all situations tho. "Honey, that lingerie you had on last night was SICK!" That right there would get you killed. Or divorced. And shoot, if I got divorced, I might as well be dead, because I have no idea how to survive on my own. On the subject of wives, The Missus loved the movie too! On the way home, she said, "It wouldn't surprise me if GM's stock goes up tomorrow." What a smart lady! For sure, I haven't checked it, but I bet it's up. I know I wanted the new Corvette they introduced in the movie. I think it may just be a concept, but who cares. Turn that thing out!

At one point, I grew a little frustrated, when the entire world was looking for Shia Beefy and Megan (so damn) Foxy... They were in Egypt, and they were in the what I'm pretty sure was the only set of 2010 vehicles in the country. Pretty easy to find, right? I mean, how long does a flyover of Egypt take? 15, maybe 17 seconds? "Umm, hey Bravo 2? We need to see if you can fly over Egypt and see if you see anything unusu...." "Bravo 2 to base, you mean 3 brand new, brightly painted 2010 model cars? Yeah... I've got them." Pretty simple, I would think. But it doesn't make for good filmmaking. Woulda made for about an hour and a half long film, but...who knows? I don't. The two little small cars made for some funny side banter, but near the end, I was happy to see one of them killed. Then supremely disappointed to find that he hadn't been killed...

Also, is anyone else disappointed that God is an Autobot? I was really kind of expecting more of a fatherly figure, a robe...maybe a beard. White hair and what not. But nope, He's an Autobot I guess. Turns out, when you go to heaven, a group of big scary metal machines meets you, and after you piss yourself, if you've helped an Autobot, you get to go back down to Earth to put stuff in Autobots. I guess if you didn't help an Autobot, you have to spend eternity in a pit of Ford vehicles. Seriously. I don't think I saw a single Ford symbol in that whole movie. I think if a Ford vehicle transformed, it would be lynched. I just don't think they're allowed. Anyhow, Imma stick with my view on religion and believe in Jesus. Thanks. Call that closed minded, but I don't wanna get to heaven and have Jesus look at me and say, "Autobots, Travis? Really? At what point did you stop using the brain I gave to you? I'm sorry, but you gots to bounce."

If I see a semi runnin around that looks like this though, Imma tell it thank you. Just in case.

The end of the movie was amazing. I laughed, I cried and I had adrenaline rushes that caused my to leave the movie theater hoping that my Mitsubishi Outlander would turn into a totally cool metal man with a huge cannon. It ended with a little speech by Optimus, like the last one. And, like the last one, a big American flag rolled down in the theater, and we all saluted and said the pledge of allegiance. We were inspired. We were motivated. We were ready to form alliances with our respective vehicles and live with them in harmony and never try to kick them off our planet ever again...

Wait. Or was that just me?