Tuesday, June 23, 2009

If You Can't Work a Cell Phone, You Should be Shot.

Alright people of America, Imma say it.


There. I said it. I have people all the time that come into this store, (which I won't tell you what company I work for...) and say, "My phone won't work. Can you make it work?" And then I turn it on. Being completely serious, I had a gentleman come in one day, and said, "My phone will not work. It won't come on. It just died." I pressed the buttons, tried all I could, and he was right! It wouldn't come on. So I asked him the next question. "When did you charge it last?" And he said, "Charge it?" This man had no idea he had to charge his phone. Apparently, we have a battery fairy, and she goes around and puts fresh batteries in phones when they are depleted. Who knew, right?

Another conversation went as follows. "I can't do anything for that phone, but you are up for a contract renewal, and we can get you a new phone." The response? "I don't want no phone that will take pittchures or send them textes or cooks my dinner fer me." I promise you. That's what the man said. The crazy thing, I don't think he was joking. Someone somewhere had told him that there was a new phone that cooked his dinner for him. Unbelievable. He also introduced me to a new way to spell "pictures" and made up some plural singular past present tense for "text" that I have never heard.

So here is what I propose. If you are over the of say, 65, then we should be able to walk in, throw a phone in your lap, and say, "Dial 911 on this phone." If they can't, then we should be able to shoot them. If they are under 65, the process should be that they have to call 911 AND text help to a friend. If they are under 40, they should have to call text AND email for help, and under 30 should have to call, text, email, post a tweet, and change status updates on Myspace and Facebook to reflect why they need help, as well as add a song to their profile which adequately explains the problems they are having. If they can't....shot.

Now I'm a reasonable man. I understand that I am broaching a very big subject here with the "quality of life" people. I also know that there should be exceptions to every rule, and that obviously handicapped people won't be able to do these tasks. So I suggest that the caretakers of these people be tested. We should get this guy to just sit in a nursing home, and text out pleas of help for its residents. I want to go on record as saying that I DON'T BELIEVE OBVIOUSLY HANDICAPPED PEOPLE SHOULD BE SHOT AS A RESULT OF THIS BLOG THAT NO ONE WILL EVER LISTEN TO. There. Happy now, bleeding hearts?

Let's start next week. With official government backup of course. How would be the best way of getting that? I mean, ol Obama has a BlackBerry even. I'm sure he'd be on board. I think McCain prolly would have been the first one shot.

Woo. I'd have let Palin slide though...