Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Birthday Sex, and Why Music Sucks Now.

[Editors note: For the definition of the word impry, go here.]

I heard a song last night on the radio. Now hang on, it gets better. At first I just changed the station on the radio, because the music and beat seemed like EVERY OTHER SONG OUT RIGHT NOW. But all the other presets on the radio had commercials, and since I'm too lazy to use the tuner knob, I just switched it back to the station I started with. Music is better than commercials, right? Wrooooooooooooong. Cheese and rice, this song was STUPID. I was fortunate enough to snag the lyrics from this classy jewel off a website. You ready for this?

Disclaimer: If you are over the age of 40, you may suffer a small aneurysm. This happens when you read something so retarded, your brain is actually trying kill you to spare itself. You've been warned.

It's yo birthday, so I know you want to riiide out
Even if we only go to myyy house
Sip on weezy as we sit upon myyy couch
Feels good, but I know you want to cryyy out

You say want passion, I think you found it
Get ready for action, don't be astounded
We switching positions, you feel sarounded
Tell me where you want your gift, girl

Girl you know I-I-I, Girl you know I-I-I
I been feenin,
Wake up in the late night
Been dreamin bout your loving, girl
Girl you know I-I-I, Girl you know I-I-I
Don't need candles and cake
Just need your body to make...
Birthday sex...Birthday sex
It’s the best day ouf da year,girl
Birthday sex...Birthday sex

g-spot g-spot….
Gonna hit dat…
g-spot g-spot

See you sexy and them jeans got me on 10
1-2-3,think I got you pinned
Don't tap out….fight until the end
Ring that bell, we gonna start over again
We gridin with passion, cuz it's yo birthday
Been at it for hours…I know you thirsty
You kiss me so sweetly, taste just like Hershey's
Just tell me how you want your gift, girl

Girl you know I-I-I, Girl you know I-I-I
I been feenin,
Wake up in the late night
Been dreamin bout your loving, girl
Girl you know I-I-I, Girl you know I-I-I
Don't need candles and cake
Just need your body to make...
Birthday sex...Birthday sex
Its da best day of the year, girl
Birthday sex...Birthday sex

g-spot g-spot….
Gonna hit that ….
g-spot g-spot

First, I'm gonna take a dive into the water,
Deep until I know I pleased that body
(body ah oop)

Or girl without a broom I might just sweep you off your feet
And make you wanna tell somebody
(body, how I do)
Or maybe we can float on top my waterbed
You close your eyes as I impry between your legs
We work our way from kitchen stoves and tables,
Girl, you know I'm only able to please, yeah
Say you wanted flowers on the bed
(on the bed)
But you got me and now it's on again

Girl you know I-I-I, Girl you know I-I-I
I been feenin,
Wake up in the late night
Been dreamin bout your loving, girl
Girl you know I-I-I, Girl you know I-I-I
Don't need candles and cake
Just need your body to make...
Birthday sex...Birthday sex
It’s da best day of da year, girl
Birthday sex...Birthday sex

g-spot g-spot….
gonna hit that….
g-spot g-spot

Okay. I told you so. Apparently this song is by a young man named Jeremih? And apparently ladies, he don't need no candles and cake to give you the birthday sex. Really, Jeremih? Really? I have some questions about your song, young man. And he IS young. 21 to be exact. His momma should be washin his mouth out with soap. I was embarrassed just copying and pasting that garbage to my blog. Anyway, on with the questions.

1. What is weezy? My common sense tells me this must be wine of some kind. However, I had a kid named Weezy in grade school with me. Wasn't his real name. He had asthma. We were mean, big deal. But seriously? Weezy? Is that a brand? Is it a vineyard? Is it label name?

2. What gift are you giving this young lady, exactly? Why are you asking her where she wants it? Is it a shirt? Candy? An Ipod with decent music on it? I don't get it, Jeremih. Explain this to me.

3. "See you sexy and them jeans got me on 10." I am offering a $1000 dollar reward for those lyrics, dead or alive, returned to me with a definition that doesn't require urban dictionary's help.

4. Why are you comparing sex with a boxing/wrestling match? Ringing bells? Hours? Again? On second thought, I can see how this would appeal to the ladies. Right? When you think about makin the sweet "birthday love" it's always like a good ol fashin wrasslin match. If I hear a bell ring when I'm doing it, usually it involves me beggin to finish, and her tryin to get up and get clothes on to answer the door. Just sayin.

5. Apparently at this point in the song, he's taking a swim. It doesn't surprise me really after hours and hours of his expert lovin. He's prolly tired. Prolly just wants to cool off.

6. "Or maybe we can float on top my waterbed, you close your eyes as I impry between your legs." Gentleman, I dare you to go up to the next lady you see today and say that phrase. See what happens. I have no bail money for you. FYI. And listen, I'm sorry for even posting that trash. I have underage fans that prolly shouldn't even be reading that. But I'm tryna prove a point.

I'm 26, guys and gals. When did music get so stupid? When did we start calling this trash music? I remember 90's music, and even 90's rap. It was wonderful. I think this whole thing started with Nelly's "Air Force Ones". I knew, the second I heard that song, that we were in a downhill spiral. And it's not all bad. I just got done listening to "Second Chance" by Shinedown. I love that song. But geez. Can someone please stop tell these 21 year old retards to stop singin about sex? Thank you.

Also, mentioning the G spot in your song? That's classy, Jeremih. Classy.