Wednesday, August 26, 2009

It Ain't Easy Being Green.

I was watching the Sundance channel yesterday, and just before they bored me to tears with what was quite possibly the lamest movie ever, they made me feel guilty for buying my water in plastic bottles. This pissed me off.

I like to think that I am a "green" type of fellow. Unfortunately, to the worlds standards, I am probably not. So I have made a commitment.

I'm gonna be more green.

Here is a list of things that I pledge to start doing to help my environment.

1. Filling my cans and bottles with water so that they sink to the bottom of the lake instead of floating on top creating deadly traps for birds and wildlife.

2. Fart and burp only indoors.

3. Buy a Prius, then never use it. Instead I'll ride my bike to work.

4. Stop pouring "one for my homies" with the pump nozzle at the gas station.

5. Actually put a catalytic converter back on my pick up, then paint it green.

6. Spray paint the burn barrel green.

7. Punch everyone who smokes smooth in the throat. (This one may get me in trouble. Anyone got bail money?)

8. Buy an electric mower. Then install a gas powered turbo on it so it mows better. Of course, I will be painting all of it green.

9. Use green appliances. The government is going to be giving money away for that here pretty soon. I may have some leftover paint after I get done with my appliances. Holla.

10. And finally, hold my breath for long periods of time. And when I do speak, use low emissions words. Words like "huh" and "ya." Matter of fact, we should all just start using text speak in our daily lives. I bet that would be the greenest thing ever. Just skip vowels altogether. Smthng lk ths. Thnk ths wll wrk? Those were green sentences.

Come on folks, I'm joking of course, but geez. Can we calm down on this green stuff? It's gonna be okay. I promise. What's the worst that can happen? Our children don't have an ozone layer? Shoosh, that's a challenge to overcome. I can remember back in my day when we didn't have an ozone layer. I had to walk uphill in the snow with 100 degree temperatures each way. Barefoot.

In all seriousness though.

I'm buying some green paint.