Friday, August 21, 2009

A Tale From Jail...

For those of you who don't know, I used to work in a jail.

It was pretty much the worst 2 years of my life with the best pay and benefits. I don't know how many of you have worked in a jail, but if you've babysat, you've done the same thing. That's all this was. Only these kids would kill you.

Really, most of them were good guys who had just made a bad decision, then another, then one that would get them caught. I won't say they didn't deserve what they got, because they did. But for the most part, they wouldn't cause you problems if you gave them food and toilet paper.

The job was relatively boring. It was a small town, and most of the offenders were nonviolent, so you didn't see much action, especially on the midnight shift.

However, one night an officer brought in a guy who was higher than a kite. He was coming down off of meth, which he had mainlined instead of snorted. This provided us with what turned out to be a nice little bit of entertainment.

He was telling anyone and everyone who would listen that he was going to kill himself, and when an inmate did that, it required action on our part. The first thing that had to be done was put him in a "Suicide Tank," which was a cell that could be monitored by CCTV.

Upon entering the cell, the inmate promptly stripped balls naked and started screaming about how he was going to hurt himself. He then climbed up on the top bunk, and proceeded to act like he was going to jump off it, from a staggering distance of about six feet.

Kid Funk was working with me at the time, and he went to the door of the cell and tried to talk the guy out of jumping off this six feet high ledge he was on. The guy kept saying he was going to jump, so Kid Funk said "Whatever," and the moment the word was out of his mouth this guy leaps, tucks, and swan dives with his head to the floor.

He didn't kill himself.

Kid Funk and I both yelled for the backup, and it came swiftly. They brought a straightjacket and handcuffs, standard procedure for an inmate doing what this one was. What happened next was all recorded, and watched, by me on that CCTV I told you about.

Enter "Bad Day," whose name has been changed for the sake of his dignity.

The inmate was laying on the floor, passive as you please, when Bad Day and his helpers came through the door. However, the second they made a move to put the jacket and cuffs on him, he came alive and sun-fished like a bucking bronco.

Being balls naked, it was naturally quite difficult for the squad to find a way to get hands on him. Bad Day had the misfortune of being located somewhere around his middle, and as the fight progressed, he sort of...lost track of where his head was. They finally got the inmate laid down on his stomach, but then one of the guards made the mistake of thinking that meant the battle was over. He let go, and the inmate, seeing his chance, flipped over.

When he flipped over, his...ahem...business flipped out.

Bad Day, being frozen by the sudden movement, didn't realized until it was too late that a flaccid penis was moving towards his head.

In what seemed like slow motion, the tip, just the tip, of this inmate's unit grazed the end of Bad Day's nose.

I don't know how many of you have had a penis graze your noze like a lover caressing the thigh of one he loves, but Bad Day didn't handle it well, and I can't say that I blame him.

He flew up, and out of the room like his nose was on fire. He refused to speak to anyone the rest of the night, and I think he left early.

They finally got a straight jacket on the inmate, and brought him up front to a drunk tank. Somehow, he got out of the straight jacket. To this day, we have no idea how. But sure enough, after about ten minutes in the tank, he's standing at the window, naked as the day he was born, holding that jacket and apologizing for getting out of it.

The footage of the incident was hands down the most replayed security video in our jail. Groups gathered around and played it and replayed until the time came for us to leave that morning. The dialogue in these sessions often consisted of "Wait for it... Wait for it... He's about to flip over... THERE! Right there! Did you see it?! It touched his NOSE!"

Bad Day got fired soon after that, and I can't say that I blame him. When another mans penis grazes your nose, you die a little inside.

Bad Day, if you ever read this, just know that for what it's worth...that was the funniest thing that I ever saw in that jail. I'm sorry, man.