Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Equal Opportunity And All That Jazz...

I have 50 followers now.

I'm not particularly proud of how I got my 50th, because it may or may not have involved me telling Lily over at Tapdancing In The Dark that I would pee in her bee hole. Mostly may. Oh, the measures I will go to to get a little more attention. Sigh.

Anyway, I basically have something to get off my chest.

When I started this blog, I didn't have any idea what a "Follower" was. I just knew that I had some things to say, and that I thought other people might find them hilarious. When I first started getting followers, especially ones who didn't know me, I was thrilled. Then I got a few more. Then a few more. Next thing you know, I'm promising Sweet Baby Jesus that if I can get 20, I'll never ask for anything else ever again. Then I won a caption contest, and for sure, I hit 20 and then some.

Since I've promised to always keep it real here, I'll tell ya. I got obsessed. It became my mission to get as many people to join me in my little laugh factory as I possibly could. I may or may not have physically assaulted a few of you to make you join. I offered Jeff over at This Is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long candy bars. I threatened Ed over at Ed's Funny Pages by stealing one of his kids. The point is, I just got too wrapped up in it all. I have bitched to Ed about one certain person that REFUSES to follow me, even though I've followed them for 568 years. I've sold out, in a sense, because I've even followed people that I didn't think were funny because I thought they'd follow me.

No more. I've hit 50, and I'm done worrying about it. 50 people think I'm funny enough to put up with my bullshit everyday, and I think that's pretty kick ass. I should be thanking those of you who deal with my insipid rantings, and that's what I'm going to do.

Thank YOU! (see, that's in big letters, so you know I mean it.)

So here is my pledge to The 50.

I, Travis Sloat, do hereby pledge and promise to empty all of my spare minutes and seconds of free time (unless involved in any of my many other hobbies such as golfing, fishing, playing sports badly, yelling at Tony Romo, cheering on the Duke Blue Devils, eating, singing recreationally, making sweet sweet love, cooking for The Missus, and being lazy) into this blog, making it the funniest thing you have ever read, which will in turn make you laugh until you cry, which will make you want to send me large sums of money.

There ya go.

This brings me to part two of my little spiel.

Some of you may be saying, "That little bastard is talking about people not following him, but he's not following me, and I'm funnier than he is, plus I have bigger testicles/boobs." I can understand how this would make you feel. So. Here's what I'm asking you to do. If I am not currently following your blog, please send me a message, or put it in a comment, that you want me to check you out. I will do so, and upon discovery of your funniness, or the picture you send of your testicles/boobs, I will follow you straight into the fires of hell with a water pistol and some Gatorade. (it'll have to be sugar free Gatorade, because of the diabetes.)

I just want to say that I love you all, and if any of you ever need an organ or legal counsel, I will provide both personally. That is to say, I will represent you myself in court, or we will drug someone, take their organ, put em in an ice bath, and find a cheap hospital that may or may not sterilize ALL their instruments, but by god they don't ask questions about the fake HMO card that we've made out of a copy of your drivers license and the back of cereal box.

And that, my faithful few, is Real.


  1. I followed you from the cheapskate mom blog and i have enjoyed every post I have read. You're great... and funny!

  2. 1. Isn't follower appreciation fun? Apparently we both got the memo (and yes, my ass DOES look great in my blog, doesn't it?)

    2. Keep up the good work (or I'll de-follow you. just kidding. or am I?)

  3. I am a faithful one of your 50 blog stalkers! :P But sadly, you do not follow me. :( You leave comments in all the same places I do, but sadly never on my poor lonely little blog. It's sad really, I check everyday to see how many, if any, comments I have, how many peeps are following me, and I am only up to 15. But each time I add someone new, it's like Christmas morning. So I understand your post whole heartedly. I have got to find some more followers! Do you think bribes will work? Sexual favors? Threats? I kid, I kid...you know about the sexual favors....hehe :D

  4. So mine weren't good enough for ya, huh? Well, TRAVIS SLOAT, that is the last time I email you pictures of my testicles! No matter how many times you ask, or many many pics of your manboobs you send me, my big bang funions are staying off camera.

    Congrats on the fifty.

  5. I'm also one of the big 5-0 that you don't follow but I really can't blame ya. I'm a conservative middle aged mom who blogs mainly about my teenage kids. I can't image you would find it that interesting...your blog is a guilty pleasure for me! Oh yeah, and I won't be sending any boob pictures either...that would probably just frighten you.

  6. Hmmm...I'm having self esteam issues. Am I ONE of the blogs you followed just to get a follow in return and you don't really find me funny? I'll make an award for you...will you keep reading?

    Yikes! That was way too desperate even for me. I think I'll manage even if you don't think I'm funny. If only I could add facial expressions to my blog, I could up the funny meter by a million. You do have a great blog - I'll give you well deserved props there. Congrats on the 50!

  7. you stalked me first, and for that maybe i should show you my boobs, but no. i'll show you my balls instead.

  8. lmao Ginger/Mandy!

    Travis - (doing my best Jerry McGuire impersonation) You had me at Impry...

    Oh and I have a great pic for you! Did you see my post this Monday? I put this pic up:


    I have some mad cut and paste skills, yo!

  9. Liz: And I am glad as well.

    Em: I do what I can with what the Good Lord blessed me. Being as it wasn't good looks or a huge....ego, I stick to the funny bidness

    Lily: I will keep that in the back of my head from here on out!

    Ad: I am not following you. I have a water pistol, you got the Gatorade?

    Ed: It's not that they weren't big. It's that I really don't care for looking at testicles. Not even yours, big guy.

    Tori: As soon as I get done typing this, you get a follow. No boobs scare me, I less than 3 them all.

    Daffy: I think I followed you after you followed me...

    Ginger: I was so excited....then so disappointed...

    Tamara: That is hands down the hottest thing I've seen today. My mind has wandered over your way... You may have to shoo it. Just sayin.

  10. Enjoyed the tribute post:)

    Glad I could be one of your 50. I think your hilarious and since I'm not that funny, well I get some funny conversational pieces from you.

    I just started a blog a few weeks ago and well I have 0 followers. Pretty new to this and still trying to figure out the ropes.

    However, I am a wife and homeschooling mother of 3 so that could be why I have 0 followers:(
    I am just not that funny or witty!

    This blog keeps me laughing! Thank you for that. Like Tori above this blog is my guilty pleasure ( man I really have nothing better to do with my time) Ha Ha Funny!

    Anyway keep up the good work! Congrats!


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