Friday, September 25, 2009

Picard And Automatic Doors. Yeah. I Pull It Off.

I'm not sure if you remember your first time or not.

You're standing there, depending on where you're from, you may or may not have a lot of clothes on, you're so excited, but you're scared, because you don't know what it's supposed to do. It may be making noises, depending on how old it is, and it was probably over with WAY too fast. And afterwards, you wanted to do it again and again.

I'm talking about the first time through an automatic sliding door. What are YOU thinking?

I don't remember my first time through one, but I know that somehow I've been lucky enough to never lose my fascination with them. This may or may not be final proof that my mind is as simple as they come, but I don't think that's the case. I guess maybe I just find joy in some of the little things in life. I will say this, it's pretty much the ONLY thing I look forward to in a trip to that awful hell hole Wal-Mart. Well, that and NACHO CHEESE Doritos. (Ed)

I noticed something the other day that was very interesting though. It's the way I've started to go through these doors. I've developed a kind of habit to have fun with them. See, I've somehow gotten it in my head that these doors won't open unless I give them a secret signal. Something so top secret that only I know it. Something so ultra hip and cool that it will never go out of style. Something that screams "I'm in charge now, and it's all going to be alright. So let me have that puppy and those kittens, put your grandmother in this wheelchair, give me a potato gun and cup of Earl Gray, and stand aside while I push through this Borg infested asteroid belt."

What I'm talking about my friends, is this:

The Jean-Luc Picard "Engage" Finger Flicka.

That's right. When I walk through a sliding door, this is what I do. Almost EVERY time. No matter who is with me, no matter who might be looking. And ya know what? It WORKS!  Almost EVERY TIME! Sometimes the timing is off, and for sure, if the door is not working, it can make you look like an idiot. But I have found that if I time it just right, and they slide open and I walk through purposefully like it was made to accommodate me personally, that there is no greater feeling in the world.

This is how Picard must have felt every time he gave The Flicka and the Enterprise went screaming through the galaxy at warp 9 to answer a distress call because the Cardassians had some poor bastard racked up in some sort of torture device because he violated Section 5 Article 8 of the Neutral Zone by backing his shuttlecraft six inches into it while executing a three point turn on a scouting mission. I'm just sayin.

Give it a try next time. I'm fully authorizing you to steal my move. Hell, I stole it from Star Trek.

[As an aside, another thing I've picked up from that show is that every time I see a bunch of bright lights, I always look into them and say... THERE... ARE.... FOUR... LIGHTS! Yeah... Here's a video on it. Greatest Star Trek moment of all time.]


  1. That is so not the best Star Trek moment of all time..

  2. *SNORTING* I can SO see you doing this and me rolling around in the parking lot laughing! Your wife must be so proud...

    I'd steal this secret move except that things like this don't work for me. I'd be the dumbass standing outside the door flicking my finger towards it, silently screaming for it to open and wouldn't happen for me. No matter what direction I stuck my tongue out or crossed my eyes nor how long I held my breath. I'd have to wait for the old lady in the wheel chair to run over my food while wheeling past me giving me the finger for blocking the door way, and only THEN would I get to pass through the portal because it opened for HER and HER MAGIC FINGER.

  3. This isn't sliding doors, but escalators. I live in a very small town with my daughter and husband. My parents live in a large city about 6 hours away. When my daughter was probably 6 or 7, we went to visit my parents for the weekend. We went to a two story movie theater and my daughter rode the escalators up and down...for 45 minutes! And was very upset when we made her stop because it was time to watch the movie.

  4. I have been using Jedi mind tricks on those doors forever! :P

  5. It's a two finger move, accompanied by, you will open for me...I know...I'm a geek! I completely own it, which makes it HOT! :P

  6. The Cardassians are SUCH a pain in the ass, right?

    Also, I never realized the "there...are...four..lights" (spoken in the JLP-copywrited british accent) is totally a throwback to Orwell's 1984, and do you think the writers did that on purpose?

    Also, I forgot to put on deodorant this morning.

  7. I am so stealing that "open for me" move. I wonder if that'll work on the wife?

    Anyway, Picard's Awesome.

    P.S. Nacho Cheese Doritos taste like ass!

    P.S.S. No, I don't know what ass taste like, but I figure you do and would therefore know what I meant.

  8. Gasp! I was going to post and then saw my husband's! Yikes..and that will not work. Anyway, I was GOING to say that I can never get the dumb doors to open. Maybe it's the no flick thing. I thought I was just walking too fast or something. The finger flick is WAY better than stamping your foot a second time which I've been known to do. It is humiliating to not get the door to open...and they're always working. I don't know my problem. I once tried to tell myself that I must not weigh enough, but that was a ridiculous false (and physically impossible) attempt to make myself feel better.

  9. "a ridiculous false" well that's a new one...sorry

  10. Kid Funk: Yes, yes it is. To ME. So suck it, and go write a blog.

    Daffy: Who even likes old ladies? No one, really.

    Amy: Watch out, it could turn into a 26 year old blogging about it one day...

    Ad: Two fingers! Ooooooooooohhhhh....

    Lily: Ugh. Cardassians. Also, it's never TMI around here. I hope you made someone smell test you after work.

    Ed: We're going to box. But yes, Picard was the best. That's real. Also, I DO know what ass tastes like, but I was young, and I only had enough money for COOL RANCH DORITOS!

    Liz: I'd be willing to bet he tried that move last night. That's real. No worries on the grammar. I don't bust people for that in comments. :)

  11. Our Wal-Mart doesn't even have the sliding doors. They just have those big handicap buttons. I don't think I will look as cool if I have to punch that button just before the finger flick.

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