Monday, September 21, 2009

Return The Unused Portion...

So I'm sick. It's so lame. Allergies and what not.

 I also know that I told you I wasn't going to post again till I got 25 comments on the last post, so I'm just gonna hope that y'all take care of that.

Anyway, when I'm sick, I like to eat. When I'm well I like to eat. Usually, I just like to eat. Just thought you should know that.

I decided that I was going to have some chili dogs. I heart chili dogs. I have a thing about the chili I like on my hot dogs though. I don't like the "good" stuff. I love the 49 cents a can Hot Dog Chili Sauce. Disgusting, right? I don't think so.

While my chili dogs were cooking, I got to reading the can. I really try not to let my eyes wonder down to the ingredient list, because really, no one wants to know what "chili sauce" is made of. As some of you may know, Wal-Mart recently changed the labels on all their cheap food. Great Value and what not. You walk in there now, it's like a sea of blue and white labels just hit you in the face. Toss that in with a few mullets, a few sleeveless t-shirts, and a naked crying baby, and you'll get the picture of what it's like in my hometown Wally World.

So I'm reading the label and I come across this:

"Rich. Tasty. Guaranteed. Return the unused portion with receipt for a replacement or your money back."

I'm gonna do my best to break this conversation down for you. I've worked at WM before, and I have some knowledge of how this would go.

"Hi, I'd like to return this open can of chili."
"Ma'am, we can't take this back, because it's open."
"Well, it says on the label that you'll take it back."
"Can I ask what's wrong with it?"
"It don't taste right."
"Ma'am, it's a 49 cent can of God knows what tossed in a can."
"Now don't start gettin smart with me!"
"Do you have your receipt?"
"No, I ain't got my damn receipt. I tossed it with them bags."
"Ma'am, it plainly says on the label that you need your receipt."
"Well I don't have it! I just want my money back!"
"Ma'am, excuse me, but I can't do that. I need a receipt."
"Okay ma'am, hang on."
[manager enters]
"Ma'am, what's the problem?"
"This chili don't taste right. I want my money back."
"Do you have your receipt?"
"No! I done told this girl I don't haves it."
"Ma'am, it's open. I can't return an open can of chili."
"It says on the label you do!"
"Okay, ma'am, I'm not supposed to do this without a receipt, but I'm gonna make an exception in your case. Just remember your receipt next time, okay?"
[manager leaves]
Cashier: "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I can't give you cash back. Would you like this on a gift card?"

Yeah... That's pretty much how that would go. So Wal-Mart, lets just not put that on any more labels, mmmkay? I mean, seriously. I'm never going to want my money back on a 49 cent can of God knows what. I promise you this.

While we're at it, can we just burn down the store in Muskogee? Geez. I will never go back in there again. I don't think you needed to remodel, and your pharmacy is a box with holes cut for windows. I've seen better built tree houses. Give us a break.

So, I know you all hope I'll get better soon, and I know you'll all be wanting to send me flowers. I'd ask that in lieu of that, just send me a bunch of cans of chili sauce, hmmm?


  1. You know what beats no name chili sauce? The generic mac-n-cheese in the blue box, yes sir. You can keep home made mac, even the Velvetta. Nothin' can top that orange powdered goodness. Mmmm, lots of pepper and extra butter.

    Feel better soon, Trav.

  2. I want the "Return the unused portion" statement to start appearing on tubes of Monistat.

  3. Awesome! You're like the GURU of Walmart etiquette. I always wanted to try returning the USED portion, but since I never have my receipt, I just leave it in the Walmart restroom.

  4. I have heard that EXACT conversation take place in the local wally world... I kid you not. The lady looked like she had just walked out of a "you might be a redneck if" book. Seriously disturbing.

  5. Hmm chili, I <3 chili..

    Oh and you wanna see a creepy wal mart? Come to the one in Titusville FL, I saw a guy with shorts, no shirt and suspenders the other day talking to the wall...

    I woulda taken a picture but he started arguing with the wall and I thought it would just be poor taste ya know?

    Get better!!

  6. i *think* i know what might be the mysterious cause of your illness. just sayin...

  7. Spider: I am un American in one way. I don't like mac and cheese. I know... I should be shot.

    Apron: I can't even find words to reply. Kudos.

    Ed: You are a true man. I can't use those restrooms. I always just walk by and flip the little switch that says they need cleaning. I figure I'm doing them a favor.

    Aunt Em: I know whereof I speak.

    K: I've got to teach you how to not have shame.

    Jeff: I will refuse to admit that.

  8. And I stalked YOU out because, well, I'm lonely and have no friends.

    Tried to "follow" you - you funny M-Fer- but there's this big empty black hole where your followers should be. It's the same on my page too.
    Stupid black holes taking over Google Blogger....
    Can I go ONE DAY where black holes don't significantly interfere with my life?!?!? Seriously.

  9. Hmm shame no, fear of getting into an all out bum fight, yes, though the fact that I got to use the term "bum fight" just made my frikkin day! WIN!

  10. Correction: That conversation would contain the word "sumbitch" at some point.

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