Thursday, September 17, 2009

Two Plus Two Equals....Oh Man, It Equals Me Getting Fired, Doesn't It.

I had one of those days at work. You know, one of those days. The kind in which you'd like to strangle most of the people that come across your path. A Limp Bizkit "Break Stuff" kind of day.

It started by my helper, met5200 not being there due to some sort of conference. So she says. I wound up giving her directions to Ted's before the day was over, and I don't think that was part of it. Just sayin.

Anywhat, I'm doing my thing, making some copies, (Makin COPies.) and just generally trying to get over the fact that a good portion of the kids where I work are not mentally capable of handling a copy machine. Which, by the way, is a KYOCERA. Yeah. The crappiest of any electronic device. I know, I know. You've had your Kyocera phone for 10 years and it's treated you well. That's because you've used it TWICE.

Enter Lady Potty Mouth. "Is the principal in?"
Me: "Yes, he is, but he's with someone. I'm not sure how long it will be."
LPM: "I don't care. I've got all damn day."
Me: "Ma'am, can you please not cuss in here? There are kids in this room."
LPM: "Yeah, and they say lots worse, too."
Me: "Ma'am, that's not the point. They don't need to hear it."
LPM: "I don't care, I'll say what I want."
Me: "Okay, then you can leave."

So yeah... I kicked her smooth out....into the hallway. Where she waited. Cursing. The principal finally came out of the meeting he was in, after I'd called the superintendent, the elementary principal, the office ladies, and the elementary office. NO ONE answered their phone. No one. Apparently, I was the only person on potty mouth clean up patrol. No, I didn't get that memo.

After she left, I talked with the principal and he basically told me that I did the right thing. That's a good thing, right?

A couple hours later, I was subbing for a class. The kids had finished a test, and they were doing some controlled talking. Controlled talking is where they talk, and if they get too loud, I control them by yelling at them. It can be fun. We were also having a problem with staying seated. "We" is a teacher word that I've picked up on. It doesn't actually mean "we," it means "them." So anyway, they weren't staying seated.

To tell you the rest of this story, I need to tell you another story. I don't always know the kids names, so often times I just give them nicknames based on what they are wearing and/or what they are doing to annoy me at the time. Example: Today I said to a young lady, "HEY! Turquoise! Shut it!" So yeah. There was a young lady in my class that would not stay seated because of something to do with her pants. She'd get up, fix her pants, and then sit back down. So of course, I nicknamed her, "Pants."

Some of you may know where this is going. You were probably in the class.

So a kid stands up, and I've kind of had it, so I yell at him. It was a joking yell, everyone was laughing, and I didn't actually MIND that he was standing up, but kids are like cattle. If you let them get away with one thing, the next thing you know, you have another school district calling and complaining that yours have gotten onto their land. I yelled, "Nathan! Down!" I also slapped the table in between words. Then, Pants stood up.

"PANTS! DOWN!"

Oh no.

Yup. I did it. I just told a teenage girl to take her pants off in a class full of witnesses. I can't make this stuff up, folks. But here's the great bit. This is the bees knees. This is the wasps nipples. (Like the Douglas reference?) The kid that I yelled that to?

It was the daughter of the lady I had kicked out of the office that morning.

Yup. FML. Big time.

The whole class erupted in laughter, even the girl I yelled it to. No offense was taken at all. None. It was hilarious. I even climbed under my desk for a minute to get a few more laughs. I told the principal and superintendent what I did, and they both laughed it off. Everyone knows I would never intentionally do something like that, and I am relieved. Greatly.

However, I'm almost positive I'm gonna get a visit from momma tomorrow.

You guys got my back?

Update: Yes, she did come back first thing the next morning. She was like a kitten. Didn't even speak to me. I, on the other hand, had a very firm grip on my chair, and it had nothing to do with my hands. I was also very aware of all the exits in the room, and what could legally be used as a weapon on the desk.