My blog turned 100 today! Man, I've had a lot to say, and just think, I've got more yet to say!
Before we get started, I just want to say thank you to all the followers and fans of this blog. To celebrate my 100th post, I asked people to do a roast in my honor, Michael Scott style. This post is going to be filled with what they have to say about me, and may or may not end with me crying. I will also be handing out my very first custom made award! Stay tuned!
The first roast comes from Jeff over at This Is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long.
When I first learned of the opportunity to roast Travis I knew there would be some work involved. I Googled African Safari companies and after a few transcontinental phone calls was able to locate a spit (you owe me $96 for that). I mean, I had to find a company that specialized in large game ya know? It takes a special kind of spit to support something the size of an elephant for a roast. While I wait on it to be shipped, I’m headed to the pumpkin patch. We are talking about Travis afterall….an apple just wouldn’t do. I’ve cleared about an acre of land for the fire pit. Will that be big enough?
A few posts back Travis talked about being the chubby kid on top of a telephone pole. We all enjoyed your tales of the good ‘ole school days Travis, but I find it interesting you failed to mention how it was you got to school each day. Seriously! It’s not every day you see ‘the chubby’ kid riding in on a fork lift. Especially not one painted school bus yellow (it didn’t fool anyone, by the way).
The whole theme of Travis’ blog is fishing, right? Just because you like fishing doesn’t mean you have skills, dude. You know how Tony Soprano sends people to feed the fishes? Well, there is a whole mob under(water)world that sends fish to feed you Travis. Frankie BlueGillio selects some screwup lackey to send to the hook each time you arrive to fish. You might be wondering how Frankie knows when it’s Travis versus the average fisherman (with skills). They just watch the surface….for the solar eclipse…when all the world goes black and the sunlight no longer filters through they know Travis has arrived.
Travis recently posted about all the new uses of body fat. I think he was just trying to shift our attention away from the fact that he is diabetic. You see, diabetes can cause people to foam at the mouth, threatening to eat anyone or anything in sight, until tranquilized with slightly less than the lethal level. If tranquilizers are unavailable, consider yourself screwed, and just curl into the fetal position. The evil diabetic (aka Travis) might take sympathy, and only eat your leg, but of course, it'll have to add a 5 pound bag of sugar, because without sugar, diabetics become empty, soulless beings, sorta like zombies, but not really. I have all the respect in the world for your Missus. She’s a brave woman. Does she keep Zebra cakes in the nightstand just in case?
The next is a poem from Adrienzgirl over at Think Tank Momma.
Wow, Travis I am honored you would ask me to be a part of this roast today. First, let me just say that Birthday Sex brought Travis and I together. He was smart enough to put up the definition of impry and when I googled it, there was Travis sprawled out on his blog taking a bite out of a bear rug. Is there anything you won't eat, Travis? It's hard to ignore this big goofy guy bouncing around his blog using pictures of ladies bras hanging from trees to lure your attention. I knew he watched his sitemeter like a hawk on a rabbit so I linked back to his blog and wondered when he would notice. Sure enough there was Travis coming by to see what the heck I had to say. Since then I have gotten to know a little bit about Travis and I'd like to share:
Travis loves being in the game. The problem is the game checked out of Travis about 850 pizzas ago. Travis must be in it for the cheerleaders so I made a cheer just for him:
Travis, Travis he's our man
If he can't eat it no one can!
You'll find him shivering in fright
You better run when the Missus is in sight
Or you'll find yourself in flight!
Travis is gonna lose it!
He's gonna lose fifty!
You can do it!
Wait a minute...
I gotta stop it right here. So Travis, tell me. How much weight have you lost so far? Cuz all I see you blogging about is eating pizza and fried chicken and pancakes..yes Travis, even pancakes. You call that a diet? Oh wait. That's right you play b-ball with the kiddies don't ya? You figure you'll play a game and nearly kill yourself not for the love of the game but for the simple fact that you can justify eating two large pizzas and a side of wings since you burned all those calories sweating your ass off and dry heaving on the courts.
Put the pizza down, Travis. You better stop dialing 1-800-Dominoes and call Dan Marino so he can sign your ass up for Nutri-System!
I loved hearing about how you and the Missus met. I have to tell you I nearly spit out my Diet Coke (yes Travis - Diet...) all over the computer when I read that you two found love while working at the local Wal-Mart. Name one redneck hick that hasn't worked for Wal-Mart. At least you got the heck outta there with your woman by your side. I could say I don't know how she puts up with a sloppy mess like you, but honestly Big Boy, you have kind of stolen my heart with this sweet goofy blog of yours.
Travie - Happy 100th post & here's to the next 100 posts times 10!
That's Dirty Harry, bitches. That's real. I'm going to discuss the requirements for my award to be given to you, as I'm likely to do it at anytime.
1. You have to be a follower.
2. You need to have good shiz on your blog.
3. You really need to comment on my good shiz.
4. You should totally be grateful and post it somewhere on your site.
That's pretty much it. So. In no particular order, the award goes to...
Tamara over at Cheapskate Mom.
Ed over at Ed's Funny Pages.
Jeff over at This Is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long.
Adrienzgirl over at Think Tank Momma.
Daffy over at Batcrap Crazy.
Liz over at Back Home Again.
Tori over at I'm Not In Kalamazoo Anymore.
LiLu over at Livit, Luvit.
Lily over at Tapdancing In The Dark.
By the way. Ed and Liz? They are totally doing it. Like, maybe not right now, but they've got a thing going. That's real.
Now. If you didn't get the award this time, please don't hate me or be mad! I'm going to give this thing out like I gave herpes to that bus full of...wait. I was totally innocent on them charges. Let's keep that on the low, okay? I've got a warrant.
I just want to say one more time how much I appreciate this moment! When I started this back in June, I had no idea that so many people would come to see what I had to say. It thrills my fat ass to have you guys keep coming back here day after day after day. I don't know many of you, and I'd like to change that. If you ever wanna chat, add me on Google Talk. The email I use is firstname.lastname@example.org. Ed added me a few weeks ago, and it's been nothing but laughs ever since. I'd love you hear from each of you, and I ALWAYS respond to chats. I've got nothing to do at work, and I'd totally get a kick out of talking to you! What are you waiting for! Add me!
I love you all, and I'd like to leave you with some words from a Japanese Proverb:
Y'all go hide. I've got first impressions to make.
[Update: I just want to give a quick shout out to those linking me/posting about me in their blogs today.]
If I missed anyone, let me know!