Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My 100th Post! In Which I Am Roasted To Perfection.



My blog turned 100 today! Man, I've had a lot to say, and just think, I've got more yet to say!

Before we get started, I just want to say thank you to all the followers and fans of this blog. To celebrate my 100th post, I asked people to do a roast in my honor, Michael Scott style. This post is going to be filled with what they have to say about me, and may or may not end with me crying. I will also be handing out my very first custom made award! Stay tuned!

The first roast comes from Jeff over at This Is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I would like to say it's an honor having Travis ask me to do a roast for him, but honestly, we all know it isn't.  We're here to "honor" (ahem) his 100th blog post, which is almost the same as "honoring" my dog for crapping in the lawn 100 times.  Sure it might be an achievement of quantity, but my neighbors don't congratulate me on the steamer in the bag when we come back from a walk either.

But since we're all reading this, I suppose I should say some things about the author.  Travis is the only person to demonstrate beyond a shadow of a doubt that vertical stripes are not slimming.  He shattered that myth with the power and ease that he shatters wooden chairs.

The only thing bigger than his ass is his heart.  If you don't believe me, take a tape measure and check yourself; that's real.  Travis is an awesome guy who actually gives a rip about those around him and is always trying to make people happy and give them a laugh or two.  Congrats Travis, and I hope you get rich and successful as a blogger, and then tell me how you did it.



This next roaster is Daffy over at Batcrap Crazy.


When I first learned of the opportunity to roast Travis I knew there would be some work involved. I Googled African Safari companies and after a few transcontinental phone calls was able to locate a spit (you owe me $96 for that). I mean, I had to find a company that specialized in large game ya know? It takes a special kind of spit to support something the size of an elephant for a roast. While I wait on it to be shipped, I’m headed to the pumpkin patch. We are talking about Travis afterall….an apple just wouldn’t do. I’ve cleared about an acre of land for the fire pit. Will that be big enough?

A few posts back Travis talked about being the chubby kid on top of a telephone pole. We all enjoyed your tales of the good ‘ole school days Travis, but I find it interesting you failed to mention how it was you got to school each day. Seriously! It’s not every day you see ‘the chubby’ kid riding in on a fork lift. Especially not one painted school bus yellow (it didn’t fool anyone, by the way).

The whole theme of Travis’ blog is fishing, right? Just because you like fishing doesn’t mean you have skills, dude.  You know how Tony Soprano sends people to feed the fishes? Well, there is a whole mob under(water)world that sends fish to feed you Travis. Frankie BlueGillio selects some screwup lackey to send to the hook each time you arrive to fish. You might be wondering how Frankie knows when it’s Travis versus the average fisherman (with skills).  They just watch the surface….for the solar eclipse…when all the world goes black and the sunlight no longer filters through they know Travis has arrived. 

Travis recently posted about all the new uses of body fat. I think he was just trying to shift our attention away from the fact that he is diabetic.  You see, diabetes can cause people to foam at the mouth, threatening to eat anyone or anything in sight, until tranquilized with slightly less than the lethal level. If tranquilizers are unavailable, consider yourself screwed, and just curl into the fetal position. The evil diabetic (aka Travis) might take sympathy, and only eat your leg, but of course, it'll have to add a 5 pound bag of sugar, because without sugar, diabetics become empty, soulless beings, sorta like zombies, but not really. I have all the respect in the world for your Missus. She’s a brave woman. Does she keep Zebra cakes in the nightstand just in case?

The next is a poem from Adrienzgirl over at Think Tank Momma.

 Ode to The Ordinary

He's a man of stature, which simply means large;
I'd rather take a ride on The Hudson trash barge.
Tells tales of his friends, like he would have any;
If he's been to one buffet, he's been to many!

He blogs of The Missus and a Kid called Funk
He thinks he's funny when he speaks of his "junk".
He describes himself as a guy's kind of Guy;
But he's about as funny, as watching paint dry.

This is my Ode to the Ordinary;
Now in Travis' fashion, let's eat, drink and be merry.


Take this with a grain of salt, if your feelings are hurt, it's not my fault. You asked for awkward in the form of a Roast, to help you Blog your 100th post.
That's my Rhyme, That's my Spiel, That my friend, That's Real!




This next roaster and the designer of the funniest picture I've ever seen in my entire life is Tamara from Cheapskate Mom.





Wow, Travis I am honored you would ask me to be a part of this roast today.  First, let me just say that Birthday Sex brought Travis and I together.  He was smart enough to put up the definition of impry and when I googled it, there was Travis sprawled out on his blog taking a bite out of a bear rug.  Is there anything you won't eat, Travis?  It's hard to ignore this big goofy guy bouncing around his blog using pictures of ladies bras hanging from trees to lure your attention.  I knew he watched his sitemeter like a hawk on a rabbit so I linked back to his blog and wondered when he would notice.  Sure enough there was Travis coming by to see what the heck I had to say.  Since then I have gotten to know a little bit about Travis and I'd like to share:

Travis loves being in the game.  The problem is the game checked out of Travis about 850 pizzas ago.  Travis must be in it for the cheerleaders so I made a cheer just for him:

Travis, Travis he's our man
If he can't eat it no one can!

Knock Knock
At Night
You'll find him shivering in fright
You better run when the Missus is in sight
Or you'll find yourself in flight!

Lose It!
Lose It!
Travis is gonna lose it!
Fifty!
Fifty!
He's gonna lose fifty!
Go Travis!
You can do it!
Hold up...
Wait a minute...

I gotta stop it right here.  So Travis, tell me.  How much weight have you lost so far?  Cuz all I see you blogging about is eating pizza and fried chicken and pancakes..yes Travis, even pancakes.   You call that a diet?  Oh wait.  That's right you play b-ball with the kiddies don't ya?  You figure you'll play a game and nearly kill yourself not for the love of the game but for the simple fact that you can justify eating two large pizzas and a side of wings since you burned all those calories sweating your ass off and dry heaving on the courts.

Put the pizza down, Travis.  You better stop dialing 1-800-Dominoes and call Dan Marino so he can sign your ass up for Nutri-System! 

I loved hearing about how you and the Missus met.  I have to tell you I nearly spit out my Diet Coke (yes Travis - Diet...) all over the computer when I read that you two found love while working at the local Wal-Mart.  Name one redneck hick that hasn't worked for Wal-Mart.  At least you got the heck outta there with your woman by your side.  I could say I don't know how she puts up with a sloppy mess like you, but honestly Big Boy, you have kind of stolen my heart with this sweet goofy blog of yours.

Travie - Happy 100th post & here's to the next 100 posts times 10!






Tamara





The next and final roaster is Ed over at Ed's Funny Pages


When Travis first ask me to be a part of his roast, I was like, "You know, this is going to hurt you more than it hurts me" (TWIS)......
I mean, I've only known Travis for a couple months, but I figure........could it get any easier.........I mean seriously, Travis.......Your physique basically writes the jokes for me.........And there's ALOT of jokes being written.....
But, I promised myself that if I did this, I would stay away from the Fat jokes.........Don't get me wrong, I enjoy kicking kids in wheelchairs just as much as the next person, but making fun of Travis' weight is too easy.........
Besides, it's never good to piss off an out-of-work Fatty.............cause you know they're already hungry......and have extra driving time on their hands(mixed in with the crumbs)
No, I've decided to take the high road......Travis, you'll recognize that as the one everyone else keeps passing by you on.......
I once compared Travis to Larry The Cable Guy.......The only real difference is Larry's rich, successful, funny, famous, nutri-system skinny, funny, well loved, regularly employed, and funny..........beyond that.....they're basically the same.
Travis used to be a church youth pastor...........But after that whole touching incident..........Well, now he's found work in the public school system......where molestation isn't as frowned upon............In fact, Travis recently told a female student to take her "pants down".......and the administration just laughed about it.........It IS Oklahoma, after all....
For awhile Travis and I had a friendly competition going to see who could get the most followers......but no matter how many Travis got, he was still jealous that this one girl named Shine was following me, and not him.....it was like I had taken the last shrimp at Red Lobster...........Sorry Bro, you'll just have to make do with the crab(s)
Seriously though, who has a roast for themselves because they reached 100 posts?..............It's not like you won something.......you created those posts yourself.........What? Do you ask the missus to cheer for you every time you're able to reach around and wipe your own ass?..........She probably wishes you had this kind of stamina in the bedroom........Then again, she's probably just counting the seconds until it's over.....
Most of us know Travis from his blog, but he does have one flesh friend.......Kid Funk......Funk is like Bubbles the chimp to Travis' MJ....or.....like the Abbott to his Costello....well...more like the Costello to his Costello...(fatties).......or.
.....like the Ed Hardy T-shirt to his Jon Gosselin............He's always there.....just like the sweat under Travis' Man Boobs
The only thing that spends more time in Travis' hand or next to his mouth, besides his blackberry, is probably Kid Funk.........
You're lucky though, Travis........How your wife puts up with you, especially after you killed her dog, I have no idea.......that woman is truly a saint.

Okay, okay....I can't keep doing this to him. Travis is a great guy, and a great friend. He always makes me laugh, which isn't an easy thing to do.
Travis, you know I'm proud of you for reaching the 100 post milestone. Congrats buddy. Way to stick with it and to keep us laughing.
Even though we've never met, I would sooo give you a reach around right now. That's real.



These roasts were all very funny, and very insulting. Lots of fat jokes, right? I mean, seriously. I may or may not have a weight problem. Geez. Props to Daffy for a diabetic joke...ass. Also props to Ed for taking the "high road," and being the only person I (kind of) had to edit. However. I've gotta say...  I LOVED IT! On all of them, I laughed so hard I could hardly breathe. To all of the people reading this, go check out their blogs and show them some lovin. They deserve it! 


And now...the presentation of my award!!! This award comes with no responsibilities at all. You don't have to link me, you don't have to tell me how much you love me, and you don't have to mail me $100 dollars. I mean, you could, because listen, I owe Jeff a candy bar. I have them, too. Sitting right here in the house, after his post office ate the first ones I sent. I need to mail these bishes. He's waiting. So... Ya know? Postage, people. Postage. 


Anyrealsies, this is the award!




That's Dirty Harry, bitches. That's real. I'm going to discuss the requirements for my award to be given to you, as I'm likely to do it at anytime.

1. You have to be a follower.
2. You need to have good shiz on your blog.
3. You really need to comment on my good shiz.
4. You should totally be grateful and post it somewhere on your site.

That's pretty much it. So. In no particular order, the award goes to...

Tamara over at Cheapskate Mom.

Ed over at Ed's Funny Pages.


Adrienzgirl over at Think Tank Momma.

Daffy over at Batcrap Crazy.

Liz over at Back Home Again.


LiLu over at Livit, Luvit.


By the way. Ed and Liz? They are totally doing it. Like, maybe not right now, but they've got a thing going. That's real.

Now. If you didn't get the award this time, please don't hate me or be mad! I'm going to give this thing out like I gave herpes to that bus full of...wait. I was totally innocent on them charges. Let's keep that on the low, okay? I've got a warrant.

I just want to say one more time how much I appreciate this moment! When I started this back in June, I had no idea that so many people would come to see what I had to say. It thrills my fat ass to have you guys keep coming back here day after day after day. I don't know many of you, and I'd like to change that. If you ever wanna chat, add me on Google Talk. The email I use is tstyles77@gmail.com. Ed added me a few weeks ago, and it's been nothing but laughs ever since. I'd love you hear from each of you, and I ALWAYS respond to chats. I've got nothing to do at work, and I'd totally get a kick out of talking to you! What are you waiting for! Add me!

I love you all, and I'd like to leave you with some words from a Japanese Proverb:

"When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends."


Geez...

Y'all go hide. I've got first impressions to make.

[Update: I just want to give a quick shout out to those linking me/posting about me in their blogs today.]


If I missed anyone, let me know!