Thursday, October 22, 2009

TMI Thursday: Yes, It Was That Big.

(This is it folks. It's Thursday. And I'm baaaaaaaaack! I took a week off last week, and I've gained some followers in that time. So let me warn you here. These are the days where you close the browser on your computer, shake your head a little bit, and say, "What the HELL was I doing reading everything he posted?" That's right... It's TMI Thursday, brought to you by a blogging associate of mine named LiLu. If you want more of this garbage trash wonderfulness, click that little button of the old people having more fun than you did last night. That, my friends, is real.)

TMI Thursday

I've always been a weird pooper.

Sometimes, when I was younger...wait. That can be next weeks.

Anyway, I never had a real schedule for dropping the kids off at the pool until I got older. About 24 or so. Used to be, I'd forget about taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. Wouldn't even cross my mind. And since I eat a diet rich in cheese and meats and fats and bad things, sometimes, I get the constipation, and it this instance, it was a very bad thing.

Occasionally, I'd go a couple days without chunkin a deuce, and I'd start getting scared. Because I knew it was gonna be big, and I knew it was gonna hurt. I'd eventually go into the bathroom and give it the ol college try, because I knew it would be better than waiting on my body to say, "Hey man, we gotta do this. We're backed up worse than the plumbing at the Biggest Loser ranch." You know, the poop where you roll your sleeves a little bit, because it might get ugly.

Well, one day, I realized that I'd gone about 4 days since my last poop. I realized this whilst Kid Funk and I were at a restaurant called Las Fuentes here in my town. We were just about to sit down to a fine Mexican meal, and my body gave me the tap. Not the rumbles tap, or the assplosion tap. But the "Hey man. We want this food as much as you, but something has to go." So I got up, and I went to the restroom. I dropped trou, and I sat down for a minute or two.

The reason I wasn't down longer is because folks, I FELT how big this thing was. It lowered itself down to be released, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this wasn't the sort of thing that could be handled in a small restaurant bathroom. I looked around, and they didn't even have a plunger. This WAS going to require a plunger. So I rescinded the order, pulled up my pants, and went out there and ate like a condemned man eats his last meal. Slowly.

We got home, and I went into the restroom to duke this battle out. I now had 4 days, and a Mexican lunch on top. I buckled down, and this is essentially what happened. Folks, I know I exaggerate a lot on this blog, but this is the honest to God truth the best approximation of what came out of me.



That is a Wilson TDS 14 and under regulation football. The closest thing I could find. The dimensions of said football? 10 inches by 6 inches. 6 INCHES AROUND. Guys and gals, it was the worst 30 minutes of my life.

I hollered at Kid Funk before I flushed it, just so I could have a witness. This legend has not grown with time, and I swear on it all that it was every bit of that big. He took one look at it, and he said, "How did you not make any noise when that was coming out?" I was defeated. Utterly defeated. I had nothing left. This thing started my hemorrhoids.

I asked Kid Funk to be the first to comment, so that you would all know that I wasn't lying about it. I also asked him for a quote. The quote:

"Shit was big."

That really sums it all up. Oh yeah, I mentioned flushing it. I had to use the stick end of the plunger to break it up into flushable pieces. The time for the whole thing to be completed from the birth to the subsequent abortion? One hour.

I took a nap. No shit.

20 comments:

  1. You'd figure that with all the penises you've had in there that it would just SCHLOOP! out easily...like rolling a raisin down a water slide.

    Yeah..I remember that party. Maybe you don't.

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  2. When I got out of the hospital after the gall bladder surgery and stopped taking the pain meds, I laid out something the length of my forearm. It was impressive.

    Fortunately, I'm like a distance runner, and not much of a girth man. Still, impressively done.

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  3. You big vajay! That's about 1/2 what it's like to shit out babies!

    You ain't got nothing on us Mommas!

    That's real!

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  4. I'm gagging a bit.... what is it with poop today? You and Lilu...

    It's easier to make friends when you are regular. Boulders in the ass can make a body grumpy (not that I know from experience or anything....)

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  5. I'm with Moooooog35.

    That WAS a hell of a party.

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  6. Dropping your kids at the pool...LMAO

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  7. I hate the feeling when you know it's coming, and you KNOW how big it is and that it's probably going to cut you, but what the hell can you do about it?? Nada, my friend... not a thing.

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  8. This story just sent me into a fit of laughter that was of the wheezing variety. Thanks for causing someone to ask if i was seizuring. But really, that was amazing. Why is poop so funny!!?

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  9. I had totally forgotten about the "dropping the kids at the pool" expression! I am ROFLMAO, which is just what I needed on this dreary day.

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  10. Taking the Browns to the Superbowl had me in stitches. Actually the whole thing did. My sis-in-law once dropped one in the office bathroom and had to ask a co-worker for a letter opener to chop it up. It wouldn't flush. I know...don't ask if she gave it back. Have a great day. Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

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  11. Wow, I'm pooped just reading that. Get it? Pooped? *crickets* Yeah, this is why I'm not as funny as you.

    Epic story. I laughed the whole way through. Glad you and all internal (and external) bits involved are still in one piece.

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  12. I still dont see why you had to use the handle of the plunger.. The Handle man!

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  13. Two words:

    Fiber One

    Seriously, buy a box of those suckers, The granola bars are the shiz (literally!) you'll be pooping in three hours. Farting your ass off the two hours leading up to said poop...no fun for the Missus, but way better than roids.

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  14. Holy shit, indeed.

    Umm, first thing that comes to my mind, is... why the eff aren't you eating more fiber? Throw a salad in the mix there somewhere, have some broccoli.

    Also, you seriously need to watch the South Park episode about Randy having the worlds biggest crap. You'll start measuring your craps in curics.

    ~J

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  15. My youngest is very similar to you. The cheese, meat diet. The freakishly large and infrequent bm's. I have threatened to take pictures of his stools before because nobody believes me when I describe it. A baseball bat comes to mind.

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  16. Moooooooog: We swore we weren't going to mention that party!

    ND Jenks: Thank you sir. Distance is just as important. If it's touching your ass after you're done, kudos.

    Ad: I knew a chick would bring this up...

    Ed: Shhhhhhh.

    Lee: I've got a million of them! Well, maybe just 3.

    LiLu: Roll up your sleeves, and give it the bidness.

    Carissa: I don't have any idea...

    Erin M: I'm glad I could help!

    C&H: Givin it back would have been so cooooool! Just to see the expression.

    Lauren: We both have "shitty pun" fetishes I see.

    Kid Funk: You saw that bish. You know.

    Tamara: I had some yesterday, as a matter of fact.

    Jennifer: Fiber is LAME!

    Jeanette: Me either, darlin. Me either.

    Kys: Tell him I'm gonna publish a pic of it on my site. That might be some motivation.

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  17. I laughed my ass off reading this post and I plan to force my teenager to read this because he plugs the toilet on a regular basis! Once, when it was the size of a large garden zucchini and wouldn't flush down he was give an old grill skewer and told to cut it up! I tried to get my hubby to come and look at this thing for pure shock value but he wanted nothing to do with it...
    Thanks for sharing Travis!

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  18. omg..........tears rolling down my face reading this. ur dad would be proud, and would have been fun watching ur mom's face while u told this story at a family get together. lol

    ............hubby of supermom

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  19. I saw over at Black Holes& Macrame that you have a pants pooping tale around here someplace. I was trying to find it and stumbled upon this gem of a story. I laughed out loud. "Browns to the Superbowl, funny on so many levels.

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