Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Ways To Die And A Would You Rather.

So I've been watching that show on Spike called "1000 Ways To Die."

I hate it.

I didn't know why I had a problem with it until last night. It was then I realized what I found so uncomfortable about that 30 minutes of mockery for the stupid ways people manage to promote the phrase, "survival of the fittest."

I will probably wind up on that show.

How lame is that? I mean, one of the guys on the show last night literally died laughing. Really? Look up at the top of my page. Go on, scroll up. Shouldn't even be that hard. (TWSS) Did you see that quote? I mean, yeah, I wouldn't mind dying of laughter, but this poor bahstahd died after laughing for 36 HOURS. Can you even imagine? Eventually his heart just blew up. Why would you not go to the hospital? I would think that between guffaws, you could convey the point that you needed some sleep. Bad. Just as long as you didn't answer the question, "Why are you laughing?" That could start a massive problem.

However, the show did give me some interesting fodder for a Would You Rather, which is slowly becoming what Wednesdays are all about. Ed does it anyway, and that's good enough for me. So. Here goes, blog buddies.

Would You Rather...

Be killed while having sex with an electrically charged cows heart,

or

Be killed by choking to death on a hot dog that you stole from a store in a drunken fit?

There you go. You decide! (Girls, I know that sex with an electrified heart would be hard for you to do, but it still applies. I'm sure you could work something out... You're always sayin that babies come out of there. Just sayin. Work with me.) Things to consider are: With the heart thing, you totally had sex with a heart. With the hot dog thing, it's going to be more drawn out, and there may or may not be gay jokes.

How do you, as a living relative, tell someone that their son or daughter has died from having sex with an electrified cows heart? How would you do that?!

"Hello?"
"Yeah, Mrs. Applebottom? I have some news for you."
"Oh goodness. It's not my boy, is it?"
"Yeah... Yeah it is... You see...Are you sitting down?"
"No. Should I be?"
"Yeah. Listen. You should be. Seriously. Get sat down, please."
"Okay... What happened?"
"Did your son ever display any...ahem...strange tendencies?"
"Well, I caught him trying to do a cow once..."
"Alright. Alright, let's run with that."
"Oh my, did he kill a cow trying to do it?"
"Well. You might say that the cow got it's revenge..."

And from there it would tail off in to an awkward explanation of how 12 volts is okay, but 110 is really kind of pushing it.

Me? I'm totally going with the hot dog. Yeah, it may look like you died with a penis in your mouth, but it beats the heck out of having "I was so shocked he'd do that!" jokes at your funeral.

Ya know?