Wednesday, October 7, 2009

You May Call It Fat, But I Call It Useful.

I was holding a door open with my gut yesterday so that I could get through it without spilling my lunch tray, and I realized something.

My fat has a lot of uses.

Uses that you should totally be jealous of if you're a flat belly, and uses that you should be utilizing if you're a fellow fatty.

I'd like to take a moment of your time today to go over these uses.

As usual, I've taken the liberty:



I've highlighted some areas that we are going to be taking a look at today. The color of the words in the description correspond with the color of the circles or arrow on the picture. Lets kick this mother off. We'll work our way down the body. (Isn't it a sexy body?)

Neck Fat: Neck Fat is very useful because it basically allows me to use my neck like a vise. I can stick papers, money, bags of chips, small children, etc. in there, and clamp my chin to my chest, and I'm tellin ya, you're going to have a hard time getting them out. It's basically an extra hand. Example: I'm loaded down with books headed to my next class, and someone who owes me money decides to pay me back at that time. Well, I don't have a hand to take the money with, and I'm not gonna let them stick it in my pocket, so I just lift my head up a little bit, and say, "Stick it right there." Then I close my neck fat around it, batta bing, it's more secure than Ft. Knox. 


Upper Arm Fat: This can be used in any number of ways. Most used though, and what we'll be discussing here, is the door close. If you can get it to swing just right, you've essentially got the force of a small (or in my case, jumbo "get it to the levee fast to stop the flood") size sandbag behind it. This, once again, can come in handy when you've got your hands full. Grocery bags in both hands? Need to shut your car door because you are fat and lazy and want to spend your time eating the food you just bought instead of coming back outside and closing your door? I understand. Just get that upper arm fat swinging, and use it to catch the door, and slam that bad boy shut. Also works for slamming your child's door if you're carrying out an armful of drugs and porno mags that they've been hiding under their bed.

The Breast, AKA "Teat" Fat: The Teat has many widely known uses, however we're going to discuss a new one today. It's use as a shelf. I could hang pictures on these things if I wanted to. I use them to store crumbs on for snacks later on in the day, and if need be, I can safely place pencils, books, papers, plates, silverware, etc. on my shelves and just let them ride. The teat fat also gives me something to play with when I'm lonely. 


Forearm Fat: Do you like to lean a lot? Do you sometimes have trouble leaning for very long because your forearm starts to hurt? Well my friend, I highly recommend growing some extra forearm fat. It's like leaning on two twin memory foam pillows. They never get tired. I'm serious. Lets have a leaning contest, right now. I'll win. I can promise you that. Don't believe me? Try this: Get you two pillows off your couch and duct tape them to your arms. Then, just go lean somewhere. Anywhere. I'll wait for you to get back. Go. 


Eh? Eh? Nice, isn't it? I know. Unfortunately, I don't know a way to just grow forearm fat and nothing else. I'll investigate, and let you know. 


Belly, AKA Gut, AKA "Dunlop", AKA "Dickie Do" Fat: Well, as mentioned above, belly fat makes an incredible door stop. If I stick that gut out there, and I get it wedged in something, for sure, it's not closing. Ever. This comes in useful when you need to make sure an elevator door needs to stay open, if you have a lady trying to slam a door in your face, or if you need to hold a door open so you can get your lunch tray through. Another use it has is that I can hide things under it. This is cool if you are doing magic tricks for a really dumb kid, or if I wanted to smuggle Calista Flockhart out of the country.  Also, I can set drinks on it. Unfortunately, the down side of gut fat is that it leads to an early death. I can't really think of a good reason for an early death, unless you just really want out of a marriage and/or mortgage payment. 


Ass Fat: Ass fat is another thing that can help you close stuff. It's also useful for stopping things. You should really just make sure what you're stopping isn't pointed, unless you're into that sort of thing. Otherwise you could get into a very socially awkward situation. I actually have a story about ass fat. When I was younger, I was holding the door open at church for some older ladies to leave. As I was letting the door close, one more little old lady walked up. Not wanting to waste time, I just backed into the door, catching it with my ass fat. CRACK! The glass shattered. My father was wicked pissed, and I got in a lot of trouble. This a negative ass fat story. Try to avoid those. 


Thigh Fat: Thigh fat comes in very useful when a little kid wants a ride on your leg. "I want a ride on your leg!" "Go on then, grab it." (child struggles briefly.) "I can't get my arms around it!" "Too bad kid, now shut up and go bug your mom." Thigh fat also keeps my bits and pieces very warm and cozy. The negative about thigh fat is that you can sometimes get a mean chaff. This can bring the world down around you, however, if you have Gold Bond powder, you will experience relief like no other. As Kid Funk would say, "It's like a thousand angels blowing gently on your balls." That, my friends, is relief. 


I hope you've enjoyed this lesson on fats and how they can enrich your life. If you have any questions about your fat, or if you want to know any additional uses, feel free to ask. I've only touched the tip of the iceberg here today. If you're a flat belly, and you'd like information on how to grow this kind of useful fat, just let me know. I'd be glad to be your personal trainer. Together, we'll beat anorexia. 


I did.