Monday, November 9, 2009

Memoir Monday: It's Only Plywood...

(Hey guys! It's Memoir Monday! Everyone should know what to do, just steal my little button code down there, then paste it onto the Edit HTML section on your post. Type up a memoir, spank yourself a little, and call it a win! The only rule? It must be true. So go on! Get you some!)


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Some of you are new here. You may not have any idea what a Memoir Monday is. First of all, I want to welcome you to my little slice of the internets. It's not much, but with 89 followers now, it's proof that I am a hero.

I'm also very very sick. I have been all weekend. I apologize for not being around to leave my little doses of smart assiness on your blog posts, but I think I am dying. It's ridiculous.

So those are my excuses. On with the memoirs!

I have worked a lot of jobs.

I've been a cart pusher, an electronics guy, a cashier, a shoe salesman, a jailer, a sub/lackey, a cell phone guy, a vacuum salesman, and a delivery driver for a carpet supply place, just to name a few.

The following story is what can happen when you underestimate the strength of good old fashioned plywood. You know the stuff. You've probably had something made out of it before, and it broke, and you got wicked pissed and swore you'd never buy/use it again.

It almost killed me.

I was driving to our head offices in OKC from Tulsa. I was driving a delivery truck that looked almost exactly like this:



In case you've never driven one of these, let me give you some details about them.

1. The cab weighs however much you weigh, plus 8 pounds.

2. If you don't stack weight in the back properly, you can essentially hit a good bump and ride a wheelie for 2 or 3 miles before you either go over backwards, or put the front tires down right again.

3. They have a governor that kicks in at 80 MPH.

4. The get up and go on these vehicles is comparable to a turtle that has just had an all he can eat lettuce and carrot buffet.

5. Plywood can totally kick its ass.

I was tooling along on I-35 at about 70 MPH when I noticed someone pulling into my lane. They had a trailer on the back of their truck, and a sticker on the back windshield that said something about Jesus and Mary in the Espanol. Yeah. Mexicans.

I am not a racist person. But it has always been my opinion that if you cannot read the road signs, or the instructions on a box of tie downs, you should not be allowed to pull a trailer full of construction materials on a crowded interstate. That's just me though. I don't know about y'all.

I-35 is a 3 lane road.

They pulled into my lane, and I notice something in the back of the trailer flopping around. I paid little attention. I should have paid much.

As I was talking on the phone with The Missus, a piece of plywood comes shooting out of the back of the trailer, and flies about 35 feet up in the air. It went out of my range of viewing, that's how high. I had to lean forward to get a look at it, just hanging up in the air.

"Hmm. Plywood?"

"What?"

I looked in my left mirror. I looked in my right. Cars in both lanes.

I had to make a decision. I could cut into either lane, cause a wreck, and maybe cost someone their life; or I could take one for the team.

I took one for the team. And geez...it was a doozy.

I had time to brake a little bit, but I still hit this thing going about 65 MPH.

If it had hit me flat, it might not have even been that big of a deal. But no.

It hit me corner on, right through the windshield. The point came about 3 inches from my eye, and I was immediately sprayed with safety glass. It cut up my arms, and it would have probably gotten my eyes too if I hadn't been wearing sunglasses.

My phone flew out of my hand, or maybe I threw it. Maybe I shouldn't have been talking on it. All I know is, The Missus was pretty much halfway to OKC in the 35 seconds that all this took place.

It's a 150 mile trip.

Have I mentioned before that I love my wife?

I don't know how I managed to make it to the side of the road without killing someone else, but I did.

It was pretty much the worst time that I've ever had in a delivery truck. The wood hit it so hard that it actually TWISTED the frame of the truck. They had to total it.

So the next time you think, "Damn plywood, it's not worth anything." Remember this.

Chapas de madera va a destruir su camiĆ³n.


Or, in English, "Plywood will destroy your truck."

Oh yeah. Did they stop to see if I was okay, or did they just drive on like they hadn't noticed a 6x10 piece of wood chips glued together fly out of their trailer and almost kill a man?

I'll let you guess.

For those of you that are new, welcome to Memoir Monday.

Other "Plywood Free" walks down the Memory I-35 today: (Go Read Them!)




16 comments:

  1. That's terrible! Thank god you were okay...otherwise, we wouldn't get to have the genius of you. Hope you feel better soon.

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  2. Need me to FedEx you some hot homemade Chicken Soup? It'll heal you up real nice! :)

    And, I agree. If you can't read the street signs, you should be able to drive. That's real!

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  3. My wife is actually terrified that this will be the way it ends for her. Second on her list? Driving off a bridge into icy water.

    She's a touch paranoid.

    BUT, you're lucky it didn't kill you, dude.

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  4. Damn dude, that's a close call.

    I would have hunted those beaneaters down and went all Dexter on them.

    Hope you feel better soon.

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  5. Maybe they should start making those cabs out of plywood...

    Glad you lived to blog about it!

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  6. I know its probably totally uncool that I laughed so hard through the whole thing (except the part about you nearly getting your eyeball poked out and all scratched up like you'd been in the middle of a cat fight -cause laughing about that totally isn't cool...even if I chuckled just a little....okay - yes, I kept on laughing. I love your wife too (that help any?)

    I can totally see this happening all in slow motion - I have a FANTASTIC imagination - the wheelie....whooooha! Laughed so much I think I farted a little :O)

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  7. You're not a racist person?

    Travis...you have no idea what you're missing.

    I feel sad for you.

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  8. Eeeek, get your own personal Final Destination movie moment on!

    AND STOP TALKING ON THE PHONE WHEN DRIVING (that's my mother moment).

    Gonna check out the other Memoir Mondays, cheers.

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  9. Holy hell.

    I've worked with plywood and driven a similar truck. If that would have happened to me I don't know that I'd have been so calm about it. I know I definitely would have needed new pants.

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  10. I think it speaks to your character that you took one for the team. How brave of you!

    I'm sorry that you're sick, though. Try to rest and relax if you can....Feel better soon!

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  11. Thank goodness you had sunglasses on! Who knew plywood could do so much damage? I'm glad you survived to amuse us (and to fish) another day. I hope you feel better soon!

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  12. I'm with Daffy on this one - I literally almost choked on my Mt. Dew.....it's a horrible horrible thing and I'm so glad you made it out ok - but I was seriously picturing your face (although I don't REALLY know what your face looks like...) anyway - picturing you trying to see out the top of the windshield and your expression at the flying plywood!!! OMG - not funny......not funny... well - ok - it IS funny - but ONLY because you came out ok.

    thank goodness you didn't lose an eye.....

    GREAT story!

    Tami G

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  13. I agree. If you can't read the street signs, you should be able to drive. That's real! Work From Home

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  14. I know of what you speak. Back in the day I was a route salesman for the Atlanta Coca Cola Bottling Co. when they still used the wooden coke crates. I was going up the road at a good clip carrying a load of empty crates I had just picked up from a store. I had to make a hard stop due to a car waiting till the last minute to make a right turn and I caught movement coming over the top of my truck (we had open bays then) and a crate went through the windshield of a car coming head on. Luckily (an a big thank you to God) that it went through the passenger side and no one was hurt - except it took three hours to pry the seat out of the drivers ass.

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  15. oh man! normally I would find this funny but after my accident, sh*t like this just gives me another reason to grip my wheel and drive like a scared granny.

    I so know they didn't stop.

    Karma - believe it! They'll get theirs!

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