Wednesday, December 16, 2009

"3" And Why Music Sucks Now: Volume 3.

Well that's odd. My 3rd music review, and it's over the song 3.

I'm sure you've heard it. However, if you haven't, you might want to go listen to it before you read the review. Just so you can fully appreciate the whoreishness. Yeah. That's a word.

Anyway, the song can be a bit difficult to "get."

Being the hell of a guy I am, I'm going to translate it for you, using my awesome "Batshit Crazy Britney Spears Translator!" The lyrics are in regular type brown color, the translation will be in italics and red.

"3" As performed by Miss Spears.

1 2 3, Not only you and me
Hey y'all. I can count to 3! Also, there might be another person coming over tonight.
Got one eighty degrees
I'm talking about sex here. Like a 3 way. You understand? It's gonna be HAWT.
And I'm caught in between, Countin.
Is it cool with you that I'm a whore? Because I'm totally loving this.
1 2 3, Peter Paul and Mary
Listen. Don't call Mary. She'll just be in the way.
Gettin down with 3P, everybody loves (oh)
3P are black guys, right? Everybody loves...oh. I forgot. Is it Jesus? Raymond?
(From here on out, this will be known as the chorus. She says it like 78 times, and I'm not retyping it.)

Babe pick a night, to come out and play
Listen, can it be tonight? I've had some drinks and I'm feeling whorish. And tomorrow night too, please.
If it's alright, what do you say?
Can you bring a black guy?
Merrier the more, triple fun that way
I don't mean a fat guy. I mean lots of dudes. I say it backwards so it rhymes.

Are you livin in sin is the new thing, yeah
Oh my god, I normally wouldn't do this, but do one of you have a video camera?
Are you in, I'm countin
I've called like 7 other dudes, want to be one of them?

Chorus

Three is a charm, two is not the same
I watched Sesame street this morning, and I learned that two is less than three. Then I thought about the sexual rewards. Can we get that counting vampire in on this?
I don't see the harm, are you game
I already have a lot of STD's. I really don't see how I could get anymore. Plus, they've rendered me sterile. Oh. And don't worry about a condom. These diseases eat right through them. Gives me a hell of a yeast infection.
Let's make a team, make em say my name
I have sexual issues because I was never picked for Red Rover in the Mickey Mouse club.
Lovin the extreme, now are you game
I REALLY want a black guy in this. Also maybe a midget, some grape jelly, a seven iron, a copy of the first season of Lost with the second disc missing, a picture of Hulk Hogan in '87, two more girls, and a cup.

Are you in, livin in sin is the new thing, yeah
Oh my god, did I just fart?
Are you in, I'm countin
Seriously, I can't tell if anything is in there. Can we call more guys?

Chorus

She then repeats the first and second verses, which I'm consolidated into one big translation.

I really want more attention. Shaving my head and abusing my child only worked for so long, so now I want everyone to see what a whore I am. Hey! Everyone! Come and see how much like a whore I look!

What we do is innocent, just for fun and nothing meant
Listen. I lied, I can get pregnant, and I want to be the new octomom. I just want to thank y'all for your deposits. I'll see you on E! for the series, entitled: "I'm A Whore: Portrait Of An Icon Gone Bad."
If you don't like the company, let's just do it you and me
If you really want to make love, we're gonna at least need some toys.
Or three...
Is that the doorbell? We might as well let them join...
Or four...On the floor
I really did call some black guys. They won't wait till we can get back in bed. That's my bad.

Then she sings that part over again, but it has a different meaning the second time.

What we do is innocent, just for fun and nothing meant
If you don't like the company, let's just do it you and me
Or three
Or four
On the floor
I'm a whore, I'm a whore, I'm a whore, I'm a whore.
I'm a whore, I'm a whore, I'm a very whorish whore.
I'm a whore,
I'm a whore,
I like black guys.

In all seriousness though. Why is it necessary to write a song about what a whore you are? Hell, her FIRST single was about how she was lettin dudes hit that shit in high school! It just continues to prove my theory that pretty much all music is shit now. Man I miss the 90's.


By the way. Britney, if you're reading this...


I'm down. No black guys though. I don't need to be shown up.

22 comments:

  1. Aw damn Travis - I actually like this song! We all know she is a whore but once you get past that the beat is pretty fun! hehe

    Thanks for defining 3P I thought it was a Star Wars reference...lmao

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm a little concerned that you are listening to Britney Spears in the first place.

    But, that aside, loved the translation. Off to listen to some Everclear to burn that image from my mind.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You rock! Can we submit music for your review? And even though Brit is popular (among deaf people - I can say that ya know) Beyonce has the best damn video of the year!

    Can you dance like Brit too? Or you just sing along?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have never heard this song before, but I'm pretty thankful I haven't....

    ReplyDelete
  5. I had no clue that song was about THAT lmfao. I turn it off the minute i hear 1.2.3... wow

    Have you done a translation of Lil wayne yet. I'd love to know what that guys talking about. I just found the other day what skeet meant.. and that lil wayne didn't sing it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

    You read Twilight and you listen to Britney Spears?

    It's okay to admit to us. You've got an inny, don't you?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey Melissa - did you learn what skeet meant on my blog........cause I totally did a blog about that?!?! LMFAO!

    And Trav... you have outdone yourself here! LOVE the translation. I just learned recently what the song was about - but there were still SOOOOO many details I was missing
    (3P for example - LOL)
    thx for that!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You have such talent, which is why I'm at a loss for why you haven't made a suggestion for my contest for a $50 Visa gift card?

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am laughing too hard a MJenks comment. Can't upstage that!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Now I wish I was black.

    I mean, all over.

    Not just from the waist down, like I am right now.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sex sells. Easy sex sells better. Listen to real Music at www.myspace.com/jlkinman

    ReplyDelete
  12. Damn! I thought, by the title, that the song would be another tribute to the late Dale Earnhardt. But it is just about a threesome sex thing. Is nothing sacred anymore? A threesome to me is my two hands and a warm jar of mayonnaise.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You forgot to mention that the entire song consists of one single note.

    Not only is she a whore, she's an uncreative one.

    And THAT is what separates her from me ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sounds like somebody is jealous. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm dying for a translation for If You See Amy...

    ReplyDelete
  16. If it weren't for your hilarious (and true) translation I would have punched you in the face for making me read Britney Spears Lyrics...

    ReplyDelete
  17. This translation rocks! So funny--maybe next time you should do some Katy Perry.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Moog: Didn't we all?

    Tam: Well, it could be. My translator malfunctions sometimes.

    Kimi: I'm right behind you. Oh. But not really.

    Daffy: I might be open to translating some favorites.

    HD: Go give that shiz a whirl.

    Mel: We might be able to arrange that.

    MJenks: When it's cold, yes. Also, I'M NOT GAY!

    Tami: She's a classy dame.

    Corrie: I'm entered!

    AG: Isn't he a riot?

    Ed: You can't say that just because you have a frostbitten lower half.

    KF: That's damn right.

    Coffey: How deliciously creepy.

    Lily: That's why I love you, sugarpop.

    Aunt J: Maybe a little.

    Mom: Once again, we might be able to work something out.

    CJ: Sorry darlin.

    Erin: That may be crossing a line. All I'd have to put is "I kind of like girls."

    ReplyDelete
  19. omg..."did i just fart"...had me laughing out loud!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ugh, the translation is right on. She pretty much disgusts me.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I miss the 90's, too. I was hot for like 20 minutes back in 93. Good times.

    ReplyDelete

The price for my stories is your conversation.