Wednesday, December 16, 2009

"3" And Why Music Sucks Now: Volume 3.

Well that's odd. My 3rd music review, and it's over the song 3.

I'm sure you've heard it. However, if you haven't, you might want to go listen to it before you read the review. Just so you can fully appreciate the whoreishness. Yeah. That's a word.

Anyway, the song can be a bit difficult to "get."

Being the hell of a guy I am, I'm going to translate it for you, using my awesome "Batshit Crazy Britney Spears Translator!" The lyrics are in regular type brown color, the translation will be in italics and red.

"3" As performed by Miss Spears.

1 2 3, Not only you and me
Hey y'all. I can count to 3! Also, there might be another person coming over tonight.
Got one eighty degrees
I'm talking about sex here. Like a 3 way. You understand? It's gonna be HAWT.
And I'm caught in between, Countin.
Is it cool with you that I'm a whore? Because I'm totally loving this.
1 2 3, Peter Paul and Mary
Listen. Don't call Mary. She'll just be in the way.
Gettin down with 3P, everybody loves (oh)
3P are black guys, right? Everybody loves...oh. I forgot. Is it Jesus? Raymond?
(From here on out, this will be known as the chorus. She says it like 78 times, and I'm not retyping it.)

Babe pick a night, to come out and play
Listen, can it be tonight? I've had some drinks and I'm feeling whorish. And tomorrow night too, please.
If it's alright, what do you say?
Can you bring a black guy?
Merrier the more, triple fun that way
I don't mean a fat guy. I mean lots of dudes. I say it backwards so it rhymes.

Are you livin in sin is the new thing, yeah
Oh my god, I normally wouldn't do this, but do one of you have a video camera?
Are you in, I'm countin
I've called like 7 other dudes, want to be one of them?

Chorus

Three is a charm, two is not the same
I watched Sesame street this morning, and I learned that two is less than three. Then I thought about the sexual rewards. Can we get that counting vampire in on this?
I don't see the harm, are you game
I already have a lot of STD's. I really don't see how I could get anymore. Plus, they've rendered me sterile. Oh. And don't worry about a condom. These diseases eat right through them. Gives me a hell of a yeast infection.
Let's make a team, make em say my name
I have sexual issues because I was never picked for Red Rover in the Mickey Mouse club.
Lovin the extreme, now are you game
I REALLY want a black guy in this. Also maybe a midget, some grape jelly, a seven iron, a copy of the first season of Lost with the second disc missing, a picture of Hulk Hogan in '87, two more girls, and a cup.

Are you in, livin in sin is the new thing, yeah
Oh my god, did I just fart?
Are you in, I'm countin
Seriously, I can't tell if anything is in there. Can we call more guys?

Chorus

She then repeats the first and second verses, which I'm consolidated into one big translation.

I really want more attention. Shaving my head and abusing my child only worked for so long, so now I want everyone to see what a whore I am. Hey! Everyone! Come and see how much like a whore I look!

What we do is innocent, just for fun and nothing meant
Listen. I lied, I can get pregnant, and I want to be the new octomom. I just want to thank y'all for your deposits. I'll see you on E! for the series, entitled: "I'm A Whore: Portrait Of An Icon Gone Bad."
If you don't like the company, let's just do it you and me
If you really want to make love, we're gonna at least need some toys.
Or three...
Is that the doorbell? We might as well let them join...
Or four...On the floor
I really did call some black guys. They won't wait till we can get back in bed. That's my bad.

Then she sings that part over again, but it has a different meaning the second time.

What we do is innocent, just for fun and nothing meant
If you don't like the company, let's just do it you and me
Or three
Or four
On the floor
I'm a whore, I'm a whore, I'm a whore, I'm a whore.
I'm a whore, I'm a whore, I'm a very whorish whore.
I'm a whore,
I'm a whore,
I like black guys.

In all seriousness though. Why is it necessary to write a song about what a whore you are? Hell, her FIRST single was about how she was lettin dudes hit that shit in high school! It just continues to prove my theory that pretty much all music is shit now. Man I miss the 90's.


By the way. Britney, if you're reading this...


I'm down. No black guys though. I don't need to be shown up.