Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I Killed Kevin...

Kevin was probably awesome.

Kevin probably had a wife and a family, judging from the look of him, I'd say he was an adult. He probably had brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and parents.

He probably went on trips in the spring and the fall, and he probably had lots of friends in a bunch of places around the world.

He was really kind of plain looking, kind of drab, even. No one would ever call him beautiful, and that's just sad.

Another thing they wouldn't have called Kevin was a good flyer.

You see, Kevin was a sparrow.

Yesterday, as I was preparing to leave the school, a couple of kids came up to me and said, "Hey Travis, you've got a bird on the tailgate of your truck." I went out and looked, and there was nothing there. I didn't think anything of it, because heck, it was a bird. Birds fly away. If I was a bird, I wouldn't be caught dead on my truck.

Which as it turns out, wasn't far from what happened. Not far at all.

So this morning, I go out to go to work, and I look at the grill of my truck. I find Kevin, stuck there, in all his dead bird glory.

Of course, I've taken the liberty:


You see, poor Kevin had the misfortune to be one in a group of sparrows that got in my way as I was running late to work yesterday. Really, they weren't even in my way, they were off to the side of the road, but I guess my truck roaring by on the highway gave them a spook. They all took wing, with the exception of Kevin, who took a header straight into my chrome bumper.

"The early bird gets the worm, AND gets safely out of the way of a 95 Chevy truck speeding down the road." -Travis Sloat

Kevin stuck with me through three trips yesterday, so I can only assume that his little body froze to my grill.

That's nasty.

So today, I did what any normal person who didn't want a taxidermied sparrow hood ornament would do.

I knocked him off the grill with a pitching wedge.



Why a pitching wedge you ask?

Well, two reasons.

1.) I don't want to get the bird flu. Because for sure, iffen I get the bird flu, the swine flu will follow soon after, then the regular flu, and...well, let's be honest. Maybe I should have gotten the bird flu. I could stand to lose some weight.

and

C.) I find that a pitching wedge gives you excellent control without giving up too much power around the greens. It produces a soft shot with some backspin, which came in handy when I chipped Kevin from my driveway to the nearest tree.



That's closest to the pin, folks.

I win.

I've written something for Kevin, I'd like you to all read it to the tune of "Arms of an Angel" by Sara McLaughlin or however you spell it. Maybe you even want to play it in the background.

In the grill of a truck,
you sped away from here.
From this cold, sunny day, 
and the bigger birds that you feared.
You were chipped from the grill, 
with a pitching wedge from me.
You're in the grass by the driveway, laying by a tree.

Rest in peace, Kevin.

Once again, thanks to Lee, or maybe thanks to my genius filmmaking, I've gotten some new followers. Folks, I just want to say that I do not normally condone birdicide, but this was just hilarious. If you don't like this sort of low brow, "laughing about dead birds named Kevin" humor....well......

Go away.

That's real.

Those that stay,

I love y'all. Let's have some fun.

36 comments:

  1. My hubby hit a dog once on the highway in a truck going very fast. He said it kinda exploded or something so he didn't stop. When he got home he found a entire leg sticking straight out of his grill. Gosh, I hope I didn't gross everyone out. I thought it was kinda interesting...
    RIP Kevin!

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  2. If it will make you feel any better, I killed Mr. Carrot. (yesterday's post)

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  3. I'm a fan, I think i'll stick around...kinda like Kevin was STUCK to your grill...so if you want me gone, get your pitching wedge out...and bring your A game! ;)

    ~hl~
    {www.hoscorners.blogspot.com}

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  4. You do realize that you now have seven years of bad luck or at the very least....you will be haunted by him. I'm telling you right now. You are going to start hearing strange noises in the night. I feel for the Misses because...well...you'll have her up all night making sure you are safe. You are now cursed Trav...crused.

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  5. SPEAKING FROM THE CRIBDecember 9, 2009 at 11:32 AM

    i saw the commercial at lee's - it was hilarious. great stuff. i thought i had followed you before but couldn't recall so i hoped back over and yes, i was already following. i do love the little creatures but that story was still funny, especially the song part. i did the same thing on my way to work a million years ago, but i figure they can hear me coming from aways away, so they should get out the way much sooner than they do. it's suicide really.

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  6. Let us pause...a moment of silence for poor Kevin.

    I hope his wife had life insurance. Otherwise, she'll have to sell the nest.

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  7. Poor Kevin- Although he may not longer be stuck to the grill of your truck he will forever be stuck on the grill of your heart.

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  8. TEARS and not for his death. YOU are hilarious!! But, the pitching wedge SENT ME OVER THE EDGE WITH LAUGHTER!!

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  9. You killed Kenny. Bastard!

    Oh wait....that was Kevin.

    Sorry....South Park moment.

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  10. Murdererrrrrrr *points finger*

    Sorry just always wanted to do that to someone...

    RIP Kevin you were a good bird, I assume

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  11. hey, travis...

    tiger called and he wants his pitching wedge back. without feathers.

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  12. So I finally decided to face the snow day and this is what I get? A dead bird? Effin' HILARIOUS!!!

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  13. Maybe Kevin was like Tiger and got busted. Kevin's wife pushed him in front of your truck? Just a though.

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  14. See...there you go...taking credit for everything. It's not all about you, Travis.

    Maybe Kevin was a product of the recession. He probably lost his job as the Head of the V. He just couldn't take it anymore, so he took a header into the first oncoming vehicle that he saw...which just happened to be your old ass truck.

    Did you ever think about that??? Hmmmm?????????

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  15. did i miss the part about why you know his name is kevin?

    also, a bird flew into my windshield on the highway once. blood splattered everywhere, my wipers smeared it and created an even more dramatic crime scene, and when i pulled up to the gas station to clean it i think some people thought i hit a toddler or something. it was not cute.

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  16. What a great use for a golf club. I will have to remember this... I'm sure Ward wouldn't mind me borrowing one of his clubs.

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  17. I think Kevin was a metrosexual or possibly a not-yet-outted homosexual. He was attracted to the shiny bling of the chrome....just a theory....or he was worried you were hungry....suicide vs dinner....

    Just a thought....either way, nice service.

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  18. Poor Kevin. :( He probably didn't even have the chance to crap on your windshield first.

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  19. Tori: How completely disgusting, way to one up me. :)

    5th: Hell, I'm on way to go read it.

    Heather: Have I ever told you about the time my wife tried to hit me with a golf club?

    BB: What. The. Hell. Like, seriously? Is that a legend or something? Got me worried over here.

    Crib: Thank you, and I agree.

    GwF: Dude. Your shit had me crackin up. Nest. HA!

    Em: Well said. *tear

    Lee: It seems wedges are all over the news today...

    AG: Those moments are ALWAYS acceptable on my site. Even welcomed.

    K: I was in Tucson. I swears.

    Noelle: He really needs to work on his get away, not his short game.

    Jessica: It did seem rather...orchestrated.

    Mom: Glad you liked it!

    RGirl: I'm still laughing at that. Still.

    Ginger: WTF? Not cute?

    Carol: A wedge is best. I had a driver too, but I thought that would get messy.

    Daffy: CHEAP SHOT!

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  20. RIP Kevin. Poor lil guy didn't even know what hit em.

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  21. Oh shit!!! I've gotta send Lee a thank you note for directing me over here. I am all about this type of low brow humor.

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  22. So sad---
    I know everyone else thinks it's funny but I have a soft spot for animals...I'd have cried if I had killed that bird (albeit accidentally). sobbing.

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  23. I hope you washed your putter.

    You know, after you finished pounding it.

    Oh wait, that's only funny if you confuse putter with pud.

    Joke FAIL.

    Just like the Cowboys playoff hopes.

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  24. Reminds me of my father-in-law killing a bird on the way to Canada...it was on the window and for some reason that I don't remember, they could not pull over and remove it for about 50 miles.

    Travis, I met your doppelganger yesterday! He besides the fact that he looked like you and was funny, he was hanging out with all the gals trying to sell us Pampered Chef.

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  25. It could have been worse...did you see that story about the coyote stuck in the grill of the car for 700 miles? It was still alive when they hauled it out.

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  26. Shandal: Twice.

    Kimi: You'll fit right in!

    Erin: Ahem...cough...PANSY!...ahem.

    Ed: WTH? They're number 1 in the division. Hell, I'm not worried about playoffs. Tony Romo actually replaces himself with a scarecrow in December.

    Corrie: Who you met was actually my twin. He's gay.

    Johnny: I did not hear about that, no. Once again. Disgusting. And a coyote will bite your face.

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  27. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsABwU6XdVc

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  28. JV: Don't you have a Fit??? Isn't it nice to know that you have a coyote friendly car?

    "They were on a trip to redifine themselves."

    What? Like, isntead of bro and sis, they're gonna be married?

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  29. o poor kevin...for more information regarding netting bird ,bird control,bird repellents,pest bird control ,sikes bird.u can visit http://www.usabirdcontrol.com

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  30. Aw, R.I.P., Kevin...

    And yeah, the putter made me giggle, too...

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  31. RIP Kevin, you will be missed.

    I loved the part about using the Pitching Wedge, but I'm guessing you didn't have to worry about divets in your truck? Some people are really anal about that shit.

    Birdicide...classic man.

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  32. I really don't know how I missed this post until just now.

    It was 1997. I was driving Dad's brand new 1998 Chevy Silverado, doing 70. (Sadly, that's MPH not Virgins) Raccoon ran out in front of me. I didn't even tap the brake. No way to stop in time at that rate of speed.

    I can still hear the thump, thump Robert made as I passed him.

    Poor Robert.

    -Joshua

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  33. I let a mouse loose in a wooded area and caught hell for it and here you are getting adoration for redefining "birdie".

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  34. YOUR excellent film making eh? *ahem*

    This is a great post. Sorry, I'm just catching up now. But I saw you for heaven's sake, so that has to count for like 4354987 comments.

    Anywho, great stuff. May Kevin rest in peace. And also, I can only also assume you've seen the movie Up, which makes me happy.

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  35. Poor, poor Kevin. He never saw what was coming. Then again, what if Kevin was actually a Katie? Did you find something that foretold that Kevin was indeed a 'Kevin'?...Just a thought.

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  36. Travis, I might maintain my dignity, and sanity, if I didn't read your posts, but, I wouldn't have all the laughs. Hell it wouldn't be any fun! BTW, I have some dead grasshoppers on the driveway at home but it doesn't stir my creative writing skills, maybe it will inspire a poem in you. How about an ode to the grasshoppers?

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