Monday, December 28, 2009

Memoir Monday: Left Behind: False Alarm.

(Hey guys and gals. It's Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I keep getting more and more people to follow my lead! It's catching on! Will YOU be one on the bandwagon this week? Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y'all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the book!)


Kid Funk (Justin Kinman) and I have had some adventures.

One of them in particular is dying to be typed today, so here it goes.

A very long time ago, I was "girl crazy." I would like to say at this point that I am still crazy, but only for my wife, who is not a girl, (thank you baby Jesus) but a woman. So. I am officially woman crazy I guess.

Either way, the point is, I was girl crazy. Loved the ladies. They revved my engine.

Our pastor at the time was from a little town in Oklahoma called Barnsdall. It's north of Tulsa a bit, and it's a typical Oklahoma small town, only it has a stoplight. If you don't know why I brought that up, you have never lived in a small town. Small towns are judged by their stop lights or stop signs. If all you've got is a bunch of stop signs, you're pretty lame. If you've a got at least one stoplight, well then my friend, you are UPTOWN.

Anyway, there was a girl in this particular town that had caught my eye. I was 17 or so at the time, and she was 14 or 15. I didn't care. I wanted to take her as my lover date her a bit, and maybe hold hands, and then leave town and break up with her, because let's keep it real here, she lived like 2 hours away. Who here can remain faithful to a high school girlfriend whilst being two hours away? Not this guy. Besides, I wanted to hold hands with every chick in Green Country.

So Kid Funk and I decide to take a drive up to Barnsdall to see this chick. I decided not to tell her we were coming, because, well, that would have given her the chance to tell me no. I also decided we'd go up on a Wednesday night, on the premise of visiting their church, which my church had gone to on a mission trip of sorts a few months earlier. There was also a wicked good pizza place up there called Bighearts Pizza (props to them if they are still in business) and I figured if all else failed, we'd at least have some good pie. (TWHS)

We got there with little incident, and stopped for some pizza, wherein the greatest single prank in the history of man might have been pulled. You see, the waitress at the pizza place was kind of cute. I for sure would have held her hand. Twice. Not to be one that doesn't mess with a cute waitress, I decided to talk to her. I walked up to the counter, and looked at her and said, "Darlin, what's your number?" She stumbled for a moment, and then started saying a number. I immediately said, "No. Not yours personally. The pizza place's." Woo. Talk about an embarrassed lady.

We get done with our pizza and head out to the church. When we finally found the place, no one was there. No one. There were a bang ton of empty cars, the doors to the church were unlocked, and no one was home. NO ONE.

Now you'll have to understand, I am a Christian. I have no bones telling anyone that, and if you don't like it, you can leave. I firmly believe that one day Jesus will come back to collect his own, and so on and so forth. However, I won't shove this down your throats, because I respect you as human beings who mainly just want to laugh at me, and not talk about God.

So. When we see that there is no one at this church, and there were cars and such outside, we start to do a little trembling of the maybe we're not so righteous sort. We drove to a second church.



You can understand our panic.

I mean, let's be honest, Hell is gonna be turrible.

So anyway, we were a bit freaked out. We decided to stop at the next place we saw some fellow left behindinians, and politely, if not a bit panicky, ask them what they did with all their church folk.

Turns out, once a month, all the area churches bus their people to one of the churches for an all denomination get together.

Woo. False alarm. I don't think the people in that little store understood our relief, or our request for a bathroom.

When Kid Funk and I walked into that church, we started jubilatin. "Almost left behind but not really praise the Lord Almighty put your hands together and clap for Him and do it all again and put 5 dollars instead of 1 in the offering plate and raise your hands to heaven and testify and confess that one time you took a good kid out to strip club for his bachelor party and then got him drunk but you're forgiven now and you just wanted to tell the church and dance a little in the aisle and maybe speak in a tongue or two" jubilatin.

We had good reason to.

I didn't even remember why we came until the end of the service, and then I saw the chick. For some reason, I wasn't as worried about it anymore.

We wound up going out to her house, where Kid Funk had his shirt chewed on by a goat, we met an honest to goodness retarded rabbit, and her mom and dad both drank milk straight from the cows teat.

Small towns in Oklahoma.

You never really appreciate the people in them until you think you've been left behind.

Other Non-Raptured Trips Down Memory Lane: (GO READ THEM!)


  1. Her mom drank milk straight from the cow?? Now that's some breast feeding issues.

  2. Love your "jubilatin" description! I am back on the Memoir wagon this week, check me out at:

  3. Hey hun Ihave heard about ya and heard about ya from Supah and Lee and I finally meandered my way here. I am rollin round laughing atyou right now, in sympathy and empathy having been in that did they take em all fear myself.. I might just have to jump on this memoir bandwagon...oh yeah and I am now stalking oops I mean following you lol

  4. They drank straight from the cow? Seriously??????

    And...Did you get to hold her hand????

  5. Awesome.

    Seeing the world with your Almost-Left-Behind Goggles on.

    Amen, brother!

  6. Whew....had me one of those crazy left behind moments a few weeks back. It was creepy. Not egar for another any time soon...been prayin lots...and rethinkin' how much I curse on my blog...

    I think maybe I'm the retarted rabbit.

    I've been to that town.

    Did you pet me? (TWSS)

  7. My aunt used to have cows and she would offer me milk straight from the bucket. I was all like, woman are you crazy? I only drink milk that comes from the sto', not from no dang cows.

    Her town also has a stop light. And a McDonalds. That joint is ALWAYS jumpin.

  8. Bahaha. I went to a high school in a town with no stoplights. And we went "uptown" for lunch. Never drank milk straight from the teat (gah what an awful word) but my parents did force to go to the local dairy and buy it fresh. Fresh milk is NOT good.

    Oh, that wasn't really the point of your story, was it?

    Hallelujah for busing the Christians. What a boy will do for a chance to hold hands with a girl.

  9. Thanks for the good cry...from laughter that I got this morning. And thanks to ANGEL for making me come to your page. If I do as Angel says, then *I* don't get hurt.

    I gotta say, you are one hilarious dude! And I too am now following your blog. With the life I lead in my house, I need all the side-splitting laughter I can get. (=

  10. Hey, nothing wrong with milk straight from the teat (TWHS...maybe...if you're talking about a baby?). My aunt and uncle up in The Great State of Wisconsin own a dairy farm and this is how they get their milk, cream, and butter. Go them. I'll stick with store bought, thank you very much.

    I jumped on board again today, Travis.


  11. Our town used to be that way, then ten years ago we got a stoplight and a Burger King. Now we have three stoplights and a Starbucks.

    I plan to participate in this meme more often. Here is my link for today.

  12. Straight from the cow? Did they have any street lights in that town? Heck we had one full fledged and one blinky in our town.

  13. Oh, the things a teenage boy will do for a girl. Fond memories.

  14. Hey travis...your stories are hysterical. I've decided to throw my hat in the ring. Here is my first attempt at memoir monday...

    have a good day
    Shannon at ShanysPoint

  15. Dude, I follow some great and funny writers and you are one of them. I have chuckled at you expense many times, but when you said you started trembling, I lost it. The family wanted to know what and I couldn’t tell them. My sides hurt, the tears flowed and I know what you meant because I have been there. The Baptist can scare the shit out of you and I knew what you speak of.

    Thanks, Travis, it really felt good to laugh that hard.

  16. 1. you are gifted. very much so.

    2. the waitress prank? not nice. at all.

    3. from the cow?!

  17. Ha ha ha, damn it I'm putting small towns in Oklahoma on my next vacation Hawaii fo sho.

  18. entering the gas stations
    "Son, you just need to calm down, what seems to be the problem?" -Possible left behind Law inforcement officer from Barnsdall
    "Didn't you here me, officer? We are all going to Hell!! All the believers are gone. I feel like Kirk Cameron!"

  19. Nothing beats dancing in the aisle and speaking in tongue after a good confession!

  20. I know what you mean about the whole stoplight count. We have 5 stoplights in our town, so we are hot stuff!

  21. Hahah! That was awesome!

    I was going to tell you I came over from Think Tank, but since I originally saw your link there, I have also seen it in about 15 other places. Popular guy aren't ya?

    Glad I came over...loved the rapture!

  22. We have 4 stoplights! We ARE BIGTIME! Woot!

    TWO HOURS? That's some long distance lovin'! In highschool? Might as well have been across the world!

  23. wooohooo! i'm a two stoplight gal! this town ROCKS!

  24. My hometown has 2, count them, 2 stoplights. What up. Also, milk from the bulk tank is my favorite, but I haven't had the pleasure in about 14 years.

    I've decided there is no hell, that way I can't go there! Works for me.

  25. And that is the reason that I never just mark everything in my reader as read and move on. That is high-larious!!!

  26. Okay, this is some seriously FUNNY stuff.
    I laughed out loud (scared my cat silly) at "DID WE JUST SAY SHIT AND RAPTURE IN THE SAME SENTENCE?" chuckled at "some fellow left behindinians," and just about fell out of my chair at "...met an honest to goodness retarded rabbit, and her mom and dad both drank milk straight from the cows teat."
    I don't think my memoirs could touch anything like this, but I might give it a try. In the meantime, though, I think I'll just follow you and find about more about your hilariously sinful past!

  27. Forgot to add that my little town moved outta the "lame" category about three years ago, when the powers that be (mayor/newspaper editor, two aldermen, and our one part time police officer) decided to install ONE traffic light. Oh yeah, we're uptown now!


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