Monday, August 31, 2009

Memoir Monday: Flour On The Roof.



I am spinning a yarn today that is woven from the fine thread of revenge. Sit back, have a mug of coffee or cocoa, and read on, Edgar Allen style.

I was once a youth minister at Okay First Baptist Church. I lost that job because I was an idiot. I've changed a bit in the last few years, kind of wandered a bit, but just because I use a few bad words here and there doesn't make me any more of a sinner than the next guy.

One of my responsibilities was to take the teenagers to church camp every year. The camp we went to is called Falls Creek. You may have heard of it, you may not. It's a blast. If I had to pick the one thing that I miss the most of being a YM, the time with the kids there would be it.

Pranks are a big deal at church camp. If I had to pick a priority order, they'd come in just under God Himself.

Some pranks are funny, some are tolerable, and some are just downright stupid. As the YM, and having been in a prank when I was a kid in the camp that involved me running balls naked from the shower and tackling another kid, I had to set some ground rules about acceptable pranking.

Also water guns were allowed at the camp, and no water balloons because another church in Muskogee, I won't say whom, blasted the camp director in the face with a water balloon one year. Yeah... He wasn't a happy camper (chuckle).

Anyhow, no shower pranks, no nude pranks, no messing up others bedding, and no shaving cream pranks were allowed. This left options limited...unless you're a girl.

You see, girls have certain...ahem...items that they should always take to church camps, just in case. Being girls, these...items don't bother them because they use them in the natural order of life, womanhood, and all that jazz.

However, the items in question are often not used in the natural order of things, and are instead used to do other things, mainly torture boys with.

Talkin' bout tampons, y'all. 
One night the girls decided that they were going to play a prank on us. It consisted of them sitting outside our door with an air horn and blowing it until one of the kids got fed up enough to go outside and do something about it.

To be fair, I warned the kid not to. Being a veteran, I knew what was waiting. I knew there were about fifteen girls out there armed to the teeth, and that somehow tampons would be present in that armory.

I told him to calm down. I told him there'd be tampons. In the end, he just couldn't take the stress anymore. He made a decision.

He went out with his head held high, and he paid dearly for it. Yelling his head off, he walked straight into some saran wrap laced with shaving cream, then took 25 tampons to the face. It was humiliating. He came back in the bunk a changed man.

I couldn't let that go.

I was going to punish them because they used shaving cream, but The Missus would have none of it. She believed tampons were fair in love and war, and so I just decided to let it ride, and we plotted our revenge.

I'll give you the way it went down, from the girl's perspective.

Editor's note, April 2013: There is absolutely no way I'd allow this to be done again. Looking back and remembering, it was the dumbest thing I ever let the kids do, and one time I let them in hotel rooms with stocked mini bars, so that tells you something. If something had happened, woo. But the only thing that happened was pure awesomeness.

We had a new guy with us that year, Harlan Johnson, who happened to be the guy that took my place when I left the church. He was the "bait."

The girls were having a nice, quiet awards ceremony that The Missus had dreamed up for edifying purposes.

Harlan came running full-tilt from the dorm through the commons area and out the front door with a few of us guys in tow. I ran out chasing him in my socks, slipped, and slid across a polished floor into some tables.

That was not planned, but it wound up being effective in luring the girls outside. And bruising me.

We chased him outside where we caught him, and started tying him to a basketball pole. This also caused all the girls to come outside to see what was going on.

And then, from the middle of the fracas, the code word was yelled!

Suddenly, boys appeared from everywhere. It was like that scene from The Rock where the people doing the rescuing are down in the pit and the bad guys are on top and Ed Harris is all like "WE HAVE THE HIGH GROUND JUST SURRENDER!" and no one surrenders and then there's a massacre only we didn't give them a chance to surrender, no, not after the Great Tamponing of 2008.

"NOW YOU'RE BEING GIVEN YOUR LAST CHANCE BY A MAN WITH A GUN." 
Part of the young men were on water duty. They came out of a trailer we used to haul stuff in and covered the girls head to toe with water. Soaked them up real well...and then...

FLOUR ON THE ROOF.

We had agents stationed on the roof with tons of leftover flour from the kitchen. As it rained down on the soaked young ladies, I was reminded of snow...and of winter.

Obviously an update. Still appropriate.
The flour covered the girls, and unfortunately most of the awards they were given, turning everyone and everything into a sticky sort of glue. The girls, being ever brilliant, quickly decided to start hugging the guys, and since teenage boys LIVE for hugs from girls, their dichotomous natures betrayed them and they ended up floury as well. 

A group was outside their cabin having devotion when all of this happened. In retrospect, I feel really bad for that YM. You really can't bring your kids back to Jesus after they've just witnessed Falls Creek history.

They loved it though, and were really excited about it. One of them even claimed to have gotten the whole thing on video and agreed to send it to us. We never got it. I like to think though that somewhere out there is a church who has a Flour on the Roof Sunday, where they put the tape in and watch it, laughing hysterically.

We spent the rest of the evening and into the wee hours cleaning flour from our patio, the cabin next door, the van, and everywhere but our minds. The flour on our minds will live in infamy.

Immediately after, The Missus and I had an enormous fight about ruining her awards ceremony (which I still feel kind of bad about), and the fact that I violated almost every rule at the camp in one fell swoop.

1. No running in the cabins
2. No yelling in the cabins
3. No tying people to things
4. No water throwing unless in designated areas
5. No wasting of precious food commodities
6. NO KIDS ON THE ROOF

and the list really just goes on. 

The rest of the week, all that was talked about, aside from God, was Flour on the Roof, and its other name, The Battle at Finkery Hill. To my knowledge, it has never been topped, nay attempted, ever. I don't think it ever will be.

Unless some poor sap lets me take kids to Falls Creek again.

It was like Scarface sneezed on our cabin. 

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Unraveled Thread...

I just wanted to give you all a sample of some of my Facebook thread conversations. The picture underneath is what started it all, and I posted it so you can see how things unraveled at the end of the thread. (You HAVE to give me credit for that pun.) I was tagged as the funniest, because yeah, it's what I do. I'm the fat funny guy. Anyway, welcome to a little slice of my life.




Travis Sloat
Travis Sloat
Again with the funniest. Sigh. It's what I do. I guess I could do this.
10 hours ago · Delete
Blake Russell
Blake Russell
Aww! =D i really like mine!
about an hour ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
Travis, you could have also been tagged as my new friend, but I think your hilarious. And Blake, you better like yours =) You were the first person to pop in my head.
about an hour ago
Blake Russell
Blake Russell
Aww! =D well i do like it! lol! we need to go play tennis!!!
about an hour ago
Terri Glass Metzger
Terri Glass Metzger
Miesha...were you desperate?? The smartest person you know? I am honored...I know it's because I can actually spell your name!! :)
55 minutes ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
Haha, you're momma! Of course you are the smartest person I know! (my momma too though!)
51 minutes ago
Weylin Miller
Weylin Miller
theres a reason i don't repost this, to name someone i once had a crush on i'd have to tag like 30 people!
50 minutes ago
Blake Russell
Blake Russell
Weylin, you're gay!
49 minutes ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
Blake, you would be one of the 500 he would tag!
47 minutes ago
Weylin Miller
Weylin Miller
why's that?
47 minutes ago
Weylin Miller
47 minutes ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
Oh, correction to Blake's comment.. You're bi! =p
45 minutes ago
Blake Russell
Blake Russell
Oh shut it Miesha!!!! Shh....
37 minutes ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
=) Sorry, didn't mean to blow ya'lls secret. =)
36 minutes ago
Weylin Miller
Weylin Miller
its no secret, the whole world knows, all of Okay, the people at AE, and the people at IHOP in okc
35 minutes ago
Terri Glass Metzger
Terri Glass Metzger
Weylin...only the people at IHOP in OKC? LOL
31 minutes ago
Weylin Miller
Weylin Miller
well we were there every weekend for like 3 weeks, and i'm sure all the restuarants in muskogee think it too
29 minutes ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
Ugh! Flashbacks! Wow! And the people in AE? Hmm... Haha. I'm sure they they think me and Katie's gay... Just a hunch though!
28 minutes ago
Terri Glass Metzger
Terri Glass Metzger
Yeah, but just at IHOP? Or the whole city? LOL
28 minutes ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
Haha. I'm with Mom! =p
27 minutes ago
Weylin Miller
Weylin Miller
ok so all of OKC prolly thinks we're gay, you happy now? lol
26 minutes ago
Travis Sloat
Travis Sloat
Cheese and rice. This is getting crazy!
26 minutes ago · Delete
Miesha Gordon
25 minutes ago
Terri Glass Metzger
25 minutes ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
And crazy, always!
24 minutes ago
Weylin Miller
Weylin Miller
and blake aint even standing upp for himself lol
23 minutes ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
Haha. Well, I guess the roles changed since you left! He's the girl now.
20 minutes ago
Weylin Miller
Weylin Miller
he dois miss me alot lol but i'm gettin off here, too many ppl are messaging me on IM now lol
19 minutes ago
Travis Sloat
Travis Sloat
Can I take a moment to address all of the homosexuality accusations? I don't think Blake and Weylin could do that sort of thing. If they did, being as skinny as they are, they'd start a fire, instantly giving them proper damnation for their gay sin. Was that too much?
19 minutes ago · Delete
Weylin Miller
Weylin Miller
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA thats why your my other lover ;)
18 minutes ago
Travis Sloat
Travis Sloat
Keep it holy now. Don't let them know. That stuff could get hairy. And yes, that's what she said.
17 minutes ago · Delete
Katie Metzger
Katie Metzger
omg...this stupid picture put like 30 notifications on my facebook...=)
16 minutes ago
Terri Glass Metzger
Terri Glass Metzger
LOVE IT!!!! So I think you just earned your spot on Mieshas thing (what ever its called)
16 minutes ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
Lmao! Wow. Thats great!
16 minutes ago
Travis Sloat
Travis Sloat
Speaking of people that Blake is prolly startin a fire with.... There's Katie!!! (Sorry, Terri.)
16 minutes ago · Delete
Terri Glass Metzger
Terri Glass Metzger
Thanks guys...i really needed a good laugh
15 minutes ago
Terri Glass Metzger
Terri Glass Metzger
Perfectly ok Travis...
14 minutes ago
Terri Glass Metzger
Terri Glass Metzger
Was wondering when she was going to chime in!!
14 minutes ago
Travis Sloat
Travis Sloat
I wasn't sure how over the line that would be. I am a perpetual line crosser. It's what I do. You could get me back by making me make 1 sided 2 sided copies in the morning...
13 minutes ago · Delete
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
Haha. At least we went from gay to strait comments! =p Travis, Terri is prolly gonna kill either you, Katie, Blake, or all three for that comment! (and just sayin, weylin could also be thrown in Katie's fire!) HAHAHA! And this is the upside of Katie being hours away, SHE CAN'T SLAP ME!
13 minutes ago
Terri Glass Metzger
Terri Glass Metzger
Hmmm...lots of silence huh Travis?
13 minutes ago
Travis Sloat
Travis Sloat
My BlackBerry is PISSED. It just keeps going off.
12 minutes ago · Delete
Terri Glass Metzger
Terri Glass Metzger
Travis only you could get away with that...Miesha...guess we could throw you in the "fire" along with everyone else.
9 minutes ago
Katie Metzger
Katie Metzger
how did i get brought into this!?!
8 minutes ago
Travis Sloat
Travis Sloat
Didn't Miesh have a fire for ol pretty boy Weylin there for the longest time? I think she did. She can just get in line, really. That boy gets more girls than $15 co-pay gyneocologist.
7 minutes ago · Delete
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
I hope yo are talking about a real fire! Like the one that came out of the funnel! AWESOMENESS! =D
7 minutes ago
Miesha Gordon
Miesha Gordon
And as far as the "fire" for Weylin, NOT COOL! I was the best one of 500 of Weylin's girls anyway. =) At least people liked me.
3 minutes ago
Terri Glass Metzger
Terri Glass Metzger
Katie you commented. Yes Travis Miesha did...and she made a comment about her and Katie in AE. Hmmm....
2 minutes ago
Travis Sloat
Travis Sloat
I feel sorry for anyone who just reads these comments. I may or may not post them all into a blog.
58 seconds ago · Delete
Terri Glass Metzger
10 seconds ago