Monday, January 25, 2010

Memoir Monday: The FIRST Time I Got Stitches.

(Hey guys and gals. It's Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I keep getting more and more people to follow my lead! It's catching on! Will YOU be one on the bandwagon this week? Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y'all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the book!)



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The year was 1995, and I had just turned 13. And, in other news, the Oklahoma City bombing had happened which had completely wrecked a field trip I was supposed to go on earlier that year.

That was then the entire country suddenly got suspicious of white guys buying manure, not Arabian fellas with shoes.

Anyway, I had just started the 7th grade a couple of months before, and things were not going well for me. I had been slapped by a chick who had mistakenly been informed that I'd called her a whore, and I had bawled like a baby, because that's what I did then.

We had a large black girl named Nicky* in our class.

She was big, y'all. She developed earlier than anyone else, and this was BEFORE they started puttin steroids in the chicken and making 6th girls D cups.

Not that I look, you know.

Nicky was a great gal who would talk to you and be your friend when no one was watching. I knew this from experience.

However, when you were in a group of people, Nicky had a problem.

She'd grab your penis.

Normally, this wouldn't be a bad thing. I wish a big black chick WOULD grab my penis right now. Hell, even in public.

But in the 7th grade, I wasn't...ahem...as big as I am now, and I, like every other teenager in the nation, got a hard on at the drop of a hat. I didn't need any girl grabbing a hold on my cash and prizes, and causing me all these problems.

We were in class, and for those of you who go to school at Okay, it is Coach Botts' room now. The teacher at the time was Mrs. Wallace.

Mrs. Wallace had left the room for a moment, and Nicky looked around the room for a target. I was a skinny, wimpy kid at the time, and her eyes locked onto mine.

No.

Not here.

Yes.

She got up, and came towards me. I assumed a defensive posture. (Jumping out of my desk and hiding behind another.)

She came after me.

I got up, and ran to the teachers desk. I turned around to face her, and she was RIGHT THERE. Hand out, groping, grasping for the prize before her, so she could announce to everyone, "It's little, y'all!" which was her standard phrase after grabbing a young man.

As she closed in for the kill, I gave a fake.

I was not yet the ninja I am today, but it was still a good one.

She went for it.

SHE WENT FOR IT!

I was so relieved that I didn't even stop to think. I just went for the opening.

Then I realized.

SHE HAD FAKED MY FAKE.

I went for the gap, which suddenly wasn't there anymore, and so I did what any brave man would do in this situation. I threw myself backwards, where the back of my head caught the corner of teachers desk, and spilled the pop setting on it all down the back of my clothes and neck, which were suddenly sopping wet.

I stood up, and the class ERUPTED.

Much like the back of my head, which, and I'm quoting someone in the class here, "Shot blood up just like the movies! It was SO COOOOOOL, Travis!"

I didn't spill that pop.

I probably got blood in it though.

You see, the corner of that desk and the back of my head had a terrible disagreement. The desk won, mostly because it lacked a vascular system. I put my hand on the back of my neck to wipe away what I thought was a Diet Dr. Pepper, and I pulled away a hand covered in blood. It was then I yelled the phrase that was repeated to me even on graduation day.

"I'M LOSING BLOOD FAST, GUYS!"

And I ran out of the class.

On the way to the office, I was stopped by the superintendent. He was both shocked and amazed at this skinny 7th grader running down the stairs with blood coming out of the back of his head like a horror movie. He handled it well though, and my mother was called, and I went to the doctor. 7 stitches and a shaved spot on my head later, I was just fine.

Did I want to go home?

Naw.

I went back to school. I wanted to show off my battle wound.

What I got to watch was the 85 year old high school lady janitor cleaning my blood off of ever surface between the gym and the office.

That's the first time I got stitches.

*Name was NOT changed.

I just realized that I got stitches trying to KEEP a girl from touching my penis. And now I'd gladly take 7 stitches to GET a girl to touch it. Geez. 

Other Non-Bloody Runs To The Office Today: GO READ THEM!!!










32 comments:

  1. Hence the origin of the saying:

    "It just ain't good sex unless it results in a gaping head wound."

    Maybe that's just me.

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  2. Heh...I thought Mooog was gonna say, "If it screams and runs like a bitch, it probably is..."

    On another note, you can totally come work with me Travis. We got plenty of chicks fitting the bill above that would gladly give ya a pull

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  3. Now that is a great story. All your stories are awesome, because I hear them in my head in your accent!! LOL!

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  4. You are such a contradiction Travis...one day you'd like a tug...the next your running from it...Ha Ha Ha!

    Here's my Memoir Monday contribution.
    www.shanyspoint.com

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  5. This is lame on so many levels. But hey, you were in seventh grade. That's pretty much a good excuse for almost anything.

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  6. I agree with Shany, you are such a contradiction. Who is the real you?

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  7. wow...!!! I can't believe she got away with grabbing guys' penises. I used to have a girl my 8th period class whom they called the Nutcracker because she loved to grab the guys' balls and squeeze them. She got in trouble many times and once even suspended. Weird mean bitch.

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  8. God, you're young. Or, God, I'm old.

    I suppose if you're gonna save the noggin or the penis, the penis gets the edge.

    I'm so happy to read your stories.

    I'll get back into this once I catch up on the nine gazallion blogs I've missed over the weekend.

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  9. It's amazing your teacher didn't get into BIG trouble for leaving y'all unattended ... since it clearly ended in bloodshed.

    I'm a little confused, tho', Big T - do you want big ol' black girls pulling on your saltwater taffy or just any girls, you ain't picky? 'Cuz you're soundin' a little desperate, like a man lost in a desert hoping to find an oasis. Surely the missus gives you an obligatory squeeze now and again ... ?

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  10. hahaa!! that's awesome! i mean how many times in life do you get the chance to say "i'm losing blood fast, guys!" ...

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  11. First, after reading this post, the Grammar Police shot themselves in the face.

    Secondly, I have trouble believing the part where you said you were skinny.

    Thirdly, I have trouble believing the part where you said she WANTED to grab it, and you WOULDN'T let her.

    Lastly, Go UNC!

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  12. The only stitches I've ever had were from wisdom teeth surgery. And you couldn't see them. I do have a nasty scar from where I slice my finger and was too far away from a hospital to get stitches. Hmm...sounds like my memoir post in two weeks. Next week's is part two of today's. Sorry I'm late to the party today. Duty calls.

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  13. Travis please post a picture of you as a skinny 7th grader! That would be awesome!

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  14. I memoir'd today, but only because Daffy and Tank did. ;)

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  15. If she grabbed me she would be trying to find some paper towels to wipe her hand. That's how is was in high school.

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  16. This seriously takes the cake, Travy G! Love this tale. It may be your best one yet!! Cracking up that you thought it was Dr. Pepper on you when it was really blood. OMG!

    ;-)

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  17. This tale had it all! Crotch-grabbing, violence, blood! I expect the screenplay to come out soon enough. :)

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  18. I just found your blog and, oh my, what a first post to read! :)

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  19. I once broke my arm because some kid was trying to grab my boob. So, I feel your pain brother! I also wrote a memoir today and I would love if you linked it up.:)

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  20. Any visble scarring? :D Awesome story! Something to tell your grandkids one day, when they're like, um, 30. :D

    Thanks for hosting 'Memoir Monday' and for correcting my mistaken identity between you and Gregory J. as it's host.

    Glad you liked my story.

    Peace and serenity,
    ~Jo
    'The End Of The Rainbow: Life After Bankruptcy'

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  21. Travis hun is it just me or do ya have this penis protection /envy thing going on. It's like Jekyll and Hyde Ok style lol.. Bless your heart or your head the one on your shoulders lol.. btw the head bleeds a lot more then other parts as a rule cause of the close proximity to the surface of the blood vessels.. I had 7 staples in my head from a car wreck.. bled like a stuck hog I did.. WAS wearing white key word there WAS!!

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  22. I don't know what seems to make it more memorable for you...the fact that it was the first time you ever got stitches, the fact that it happened in school, or the fact that you were trying to get away from a girl trying to go for the goodies! HA! Great story!

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  23. Ouch.
    So, the question lingers...
    did she ever go for your Johnson again?

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  24. Skinny? I need photographic evidence as proof this was true. And dude, you prolly got a concussion. Sweet!

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  25. hahahaha I can't believe she'd just crap dicks as a 7th grader. I barely knew what a dick was in 7th grade. Okay, that's a lie.

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  26. LMAO this is hilarious!!!

    Btw i participated too! ;-)
    http://angelistarr.blogspot.com/2010/01/memoir-monday-i-have-ton-of-embarassing.html#comments

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  27. Things I realized after reading this post:

    A#1) I thought you were from the south man... Going and getting stitches? I am from the big bad city and I manages to fix all my wounds with duct tape (or freezer tape at the butcher shop)

    B#2) My god. I think we are the same age.

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  28. Thank you :-) you should look at this emo boy one at this blog:
    http://emo--boys.blogspot.com

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  29. Dude....I seriously thought you were going to say, "So I 'beat' her to the punch, pulled it out and whipped her with it." Such a disappointing ending... TWSS ;)

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  30. So did you tell your mom why and how you hit your head? ;) Great story!!

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  31. Let me get this straight - you were running away because a girl wanted to grab your dick? I'm surprised you weren't wearing a cup if you knew she was known for doing that and you wanted no part of it! And the man goes down with a fight! It's a good thing it ended in blood and stitches 'cause I think you saved your name. Otherwise? It wouldn't have been pretty. Just a feeling I have.

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