Monday, January 18, 2010

Memoir Monday: The Missus And Our Headboard.

(Hey guys and gals. It's Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I keep getting more and more people to follow my lead! It's catching on! Will YOU be one on the bandwagon this week? Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y'all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the book!)



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Well, that title should probably alienate the rest of the readers I have left after getting rid of most of them by telling the entire internet that apparently, I have a small penis.

I'm gonna make that the last time I mention that.

I found out that a 14 year old girl and all of my brothers church friends read my blog, and I probably need to clean it up around here, with the exception of TMI Thursdays.

We all know that won't happen.

This is about the Memoir though. So let's get started.

I have done some crazy things in my sleep. Sleepwalking is one of the worst, but I think I'm over that now. The last time it happened, I was about 16, and my dad almost shot me as I walked out the door at 2 A.M. to go to a friends house.

The Missus says I talk a lot in my sleep. I fully believe that this is because I can't shut up even long enough to get 8 hours of sleep.

However, this is a story about her, and why I'm afraid to go to sleep first when we crawl into bed tonight.

One night, we were enjoying a peaceful nights sleep. Crickets chirping quietly outside, the howling of neighborhood dogs, and my Powerstroke diesel engine-like snoring.

I woke up for some reason. I don't remember why, but it probably had to do with dogs howling. Which is why I think dogs should be shot. Don't give me any shit over that, either.

Anyway, I wake up, and my lovely bride is staring right at me.

Right. At. Me.

My first thought is, "Hey, alright. Some midnight action!"

I was soon proven wrong.

She stares at me for about 2 minutes, and finally I ask, "Hey, are you okay?"

Her response?

She reared back and punched the ever lovin SHIT out of the headboard.

I'm not talkin a tap here, folks. This was a punch. Have you seen The Hangover? The scene where Mike Tyson punches Zach Galifinakasisassasissaisiaasis?

Yeah, it was every bit of that hard.

I don't mind telling you, I pissed myself a little.

As soon as the punch was completed, her eyes closed, and she hit the pillow. It was the weirdest most scary damn thing I've ever witnessed in my marriage.

I couldn't go to sleep for hours. I just kept imagining what it would be like to take that punch. Especially just being asleep, and not knowing it was coming.

When she woke the next morning, her knuckles weren't sore at all, and to this day, she doesn't believe a word of this story.

It happened though, and for sure, I don't go to sleep first anymore. I watch. I've also perfected my rolling out of bed technique, and if need be, I'm not afraid to sleep on the couch.

I also learned that if I ever have to fight The Missus, I need to develop a defense for a right hook that has the ability to put a dent in maple. I really think that subconsciously she wants to hurt me, and she wants to hurt me bad.

Can anyone give me karate lessons? I think that might be the only way I'll survive this thing.

 

Other Non-Sleep Punched Walks Down Memory Lane: GO READ THEM!












34 comments:

  1. You're cleaning it up around here?

    Way to bow to the establishment and give up your creative license.

    And by 'establishment' I mean '14 year old girl and brothers church friends.'

    Worst. Establishment. Ever.

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  2. My husband's family has a story about how his mom came down stairs one day with a black eye. Apparently in the middle of the night her husband was dreaming he was being attacked by snapping turtles.

    So it can happen!

    (You have to know his parents to know this is a true story because even after 50 years they are like school kids in love. And his dad is such a gentle and kind soul.)

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  3. Dude, that's FREAKY! Have you ever seen Paranormal Activity? Reminds me of that. So strange when people don't remember stuff like that. I can't believe her knuckles weren't even red or bruised!

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  4. wow! I can NOT imagine what that is like (being on the receiving side of a sleepwalker, that is).

    Thank goodness Hubby is a normal sleeper.

    Here is mine:
    http://iwaitforthatday.blogspot.com/2010/01/memoir-monday-camel-toe-yes-it-is-what.html

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  5. I am a sleep fighter and talker, with some history behind it lol. and my oldest son is a sleep walker and eater and apprently hubby has taken up the habit.. OK off to do my memoir.. And travis it is NOT small for crying out loud, you also have to take into consdieration that a womans ring and a mans ring size are about 2 sizes different so a womans 16 would be ab out 2 sizes smaller then a men's 16..

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  6. Yeah, same here. I'm thinking about cleaning things up at my place too.

    I would definitely start working on your submission skills and sleep while wearing protective headgear like sparring partners wear.

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  7. My husband talks in his sleep, but has never become physically violent. Yet. But if he does, I'm not worried; I believe I can take him.

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  8. http://singedwingangel.blogspot.com/2010/01/why-children-should-wear-cowbells-to.html

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  9. I am CRACKING up!! She must have been sending you some kind of message.

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  10. When I hooked my blogs to Facebook, I got a message from cousin on Facebook. She's older than I and is not familiar with blogs, but since she mentioned it I wondered how many others on FB noticed. Instead of changing my way of blogging, I disconnected from Facebook. I don't think I want my sister or extended family reading some of the things I put here.

    Sleep wise, I'm the culprit. As well as snoring horribly, I kick, and I know I do. Sometimes I wake myself up. My wife and I don't even sleep in the same room anymore.

    Thanks,
    GregoryJ

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  11. I just hope your wife's middle name isn't Lorana. Keep all the knives and scissors under lock and key.

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  12. The Hubby claims I've called out other guys names while sleeping... I've never believed him either.

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  13. So glad my subject could tickle ya so much. Sighs such is my life.. the one that always make others look at their lives and go wow mine isn't so bad after all whew I could have he life lol

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  14. just start wearing protective headgear in the bedroom. you'll find it also opens up more avenues of lovemaking

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  15. I had a roommate in college that talked in her sleep about wanting to wear harnesses. WOW.

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  16. Holy crap. That's kind of freaky.

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  17. That is some kind of creepy shit there TravyG! Seriously! I would sleep with one eye open. That's real!

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  18. Hey Travis,
    I can teach you karate from my wheelchair. It would be difficult to teach over the web. I would have to focus on keeping my sense of humor under control because your such a funny guy.

    The only thing I can think to say about your sleep problem is...... we all have to sleep sometime. LOL!!!

    You blog is great. My favorite part is TMI Thursday.

    Take care my friend. Sleep well....if you can???? lmao!!!
    Steve

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  19. Damn, I forgot about the drinking a beer part....

    Have you seen Paranormal Activity yet? You should watch it with your wife. I didn't think it was as great as it was hyped up to be, but there are some definite scenes that may make you crap your pants (again).

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  20. See, all women are crazy and occasionally it comes out in unexpected moments. Be afraid, be very afraid.

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  21. You sleep walk, and she sleep fights. Just make sure during an argument that you don't stand too close. Give yourself some reaction distance.

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  22. piracy affects porn but it's still winner during the crunch


    ----------------
    kelly divine

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  23. That's awesome!

    I love the way you tell a story...

    I snorted....its your fault there is currently a pistachio lodged in my nasal cavity

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  24. I'm with Daffy, I snorted too. Though luckily my nasal cavities are still free of debris. My cat thinks I'm crazy though, cause I scared the poop outta her with my laughing.

    I'm a big sleep talker too. I've actually answered the phone and had conversations I don't remember in the morning. Freaks me out! And you can't lie while you're really asleep, so be careful with that!

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  25. Your wife sounds like me. I'm fun to sleep with - in more ways than one - but I digress. For many years I walked and talked in my sleep. Or just wake up screaming and my husband would try to calm me and duck his head while I'd take a swing at him. Yeah. fun times.

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  26. Thanks! You just gave all us women an excuse to give our husbands a little what for and then claim we don't remember! Ha!
    ***Ally

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  27. Woah. I would have taken to sleeping on the couch permanently. Or two single beds. Yikes!

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  28. That is scary...but the subconscious can be a scary place (-:

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  29. This is exactly why I believe in sleeping in separate beds, that and I toss and turn all night, and have been known to kick the shit out of people in bed with me...

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  30. LOL yeah, id sleep on the couch and come into the room for nookie... but then again would i wna have sex with some1 who leaves dents in maple??? She might do the same to my bones... and I like my bones.

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  31. OMG! THis gave me the best freakin' laugh ever! I called my BFF and read it to her and she was cracking up too!

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  32. Maybe you need a bodyguard to watch over you at night.

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  33. Yoo Hoo!
    Link me up!!!!!

    Love this meme!

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