Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Movie Review Tuesday. (CONTAINS SPOILERS) Oh, And Funny.

I'm pretty sure I'm not welcome back at Post It Note Tuesday, so I'm branching off.

Why? Cause I'm a bad ass rebel who does what he wants, that's why.

Well, except for Jessica Alba. She hasn't returned any of my calls. She sent me a letter though. I know it was her because it had her signature at the bottom. The top said, "Restraining Order," but she's not fooling me.

AnyEbert, on with the reviews.

As an employee of a classy establishment like the one I work for, I get to rent movies for free, but I also get to see new releases a week before the rest of you suckers, because they want me to be able to recommend shit.

I'm going to start out with a possible 5 star rating, but I'm going to get more creative with that if I do this again.

I've been through 5 new releases this week, and I'm going to call this review:

The Week of Gratuitous Nudity and Violence. 

We'll do them in the order I watched. First up.

Gamer stars Gerard Butler as the exact same bad ass guy that runs around and kills people in all of his movies. Hell, I'm pretty sure he killed a bunch of people in The Ugly Truth. It also has that guy from Dexter, Michael Hall. I haven't seen Dexter, and if this performance was in any way indicative of his performance on that show, I won't. If you want to see boobs and blood, this is the flick for you. If you want a plot line that moves slower than me in a 5k, this movie is for you. Basically, Butler has been sentenced to prison for a crime he was forced to commit because ol' Dexter douche was acting like a god. Then he gets to be a real life video game character, and if he survives 30 matches, he gets set free. He's survived 27, and shit gets (kind of in a cheesy way) real. The only good part? About a 2 and a half minute dance scene with Michael Hall.

My rating: 2 stars

Up next:

This movie had more blood than the Red Cross. At various times I also saw: A brain, intestines, bone, and I'm pretty sure I saw a soul at one point. That's how bad people were gettin carved up. It was tragic, y'all. True to form, just about EVERYONE dies. If you saw the first one and liked it, you'll like this one. No real plot to speak of, just killin and killin, then for a change, more killin. Vinnie Jones is in it, and that means I like it. It is pretty much the exact same movie as Gamer, only with enough twists to leave you wondering where your hat is, and why you wear hats to begin with. Why do I recommend this over Gamer? Because this one never even TRIES to fool you with a plot. Just gives you the bidness from minute one. Go rent it.

My rating: 4 stars


Synopsis: Pretty girl has a boyfriend. Pretty girl fucks boyfriends best friend. Pretty girl gets caught up. Pretty girl gets shot. Best friend almost gets caught up. Boyfriend nabs wrong guy. Best friend struggles with conscience. WAIT! Boyfriend knew all along. Boyfriend sets up best friend for the murder. Revenge is served. Roll credits. There. I just saved you an hour and a half of your life you'll never get back. Oh yeah, it's got that dead chick in it. I mean, like, she died for real. Heart attack my ass, she just LOOKS unhealthy in this movie. I think it's the last one she ever made. Her death was too early, and this movie was a mistake. Don't rent.

My rating: 2 stars

Next, please:

Two words. Kate. Beckinsale. That's all I need to say, right? No, apparently that's not enough anymore. Did you ever see a movie, and right after the shower scene with Kate go into your kitchen and make some sausage balls? Cause that's what I did. Yeah, and right before the shower scene? You see like 6 penises. It was ridiculous. I missed 40 minutes of this one while I was making sausage balls, (I guess the inspiration came from the penii?) and I feel like I didn't miss anything. It was a typical whodunnit, and it was about as predictable as my next bowel movement. (soon) I could tell you whodunnit, but that would make you not rent it, and therefore you wouldn't get to see the HAWT shower scene. Lots of  "grisly images" in this one that make it hard to eat sausage balls. Rent at your own discretion.

My rating: 2 stars

Last new movie:

My first thought upon seeing this in the box of new releases was: "Ricky Gervais is a hell of a funny guy, and Ghost Town was legit." Go rent Ghost Town. Trust me, even if you've already seen it, go rent it instead of this. This movie was okay at best, and downright horrible at worst. He tried really hard to make it work, but honestly, there was too much honesty. That's real. Most of the movie was just people running around spouting off whatever they thought, because they live in a society that doesn't yet know how to lie. You might think that's funny, because you're here on this blog, and that's pretty much what I do, but it's not as funny as me. Is that braggy? I hope that's not braggy. Anyway, it's the typical boy chases girl romantic comedy. A few giggles here and there, a few HA!'s, but no belly laughs, and a bit of blasphemy towards the end. I was very disappointed. It is a cute movie though, and would probably be the ONLY movie this week that I saw that I'd recommend for a family movie night. If you're gonna get something this week, and it has to be kid-friendly, get this.

My rating: 3 1/2 stars

And lastly, I catch up to an older one:

Dear. Sweet. Mother. That's the summary. I mean, I don't do scary movies. I was told this one was expertly done, and wasn't really THAT scary. Ahem. I will say one thing, it was VERY well done. For those of you who haven't scene (heh) this movie, I would say go rent it, bring it home, and then stare at the case real hard for a while. Then, get down on your knees, and pray to the Good Lord, and ask Him for forgiveness for what you are about to watch, and then just go take a sleeping pill. For sure, that's going to be the only way you get to sleep that night. This movie starts out kind of corny, but then, shit gets real. Then, before you know it, shit gets even more real. A little while longer, shit gets real AND nasty, and even a little sad. Then, shit gets even MORE real, then SHIT GETS THE MOST REAL EVER. I was disappointed when I thought the movie was over, but for sure, it's not over. I live tweeted this movie last night, and some of you might have caught that. This was an excellent movie, but not for the faint of heart. I will say this, even though it might be a spoiler. There is a 7 minute long rape scene about halfway into the movie. It is a very GRAPHIC rape scene, and should not be seen by ANYONE under the age of 17. Hell, for that matter, ANYONE at all. However, at the end, when shit is gettin realer than the realest ever, it pays off big time. Go rent this movie if you think you can handle it. It will be worth it.

My rating: 4 stars

I hope you all enjoyed Movie Review Tuesday, and it might be something I do again iffen it gets some comment love! Feel free to share your own feelings about these movies! We have to educate people!


  1. So basically you saw one good movie. got it.

  2. The last movie was the one that caught my attention. I won't dare watch it alone, though. Gotta get me a movie buddy.

    I'd probably fast forward on the rape scene (don't like stuff like that)

  3. The last house On the Left pretty much scarred me for life.

    I'm really sad to hear that The Invention of lying was shit.. yet not surprising given the plot line.

    Hmmm.. what I really want to talk about is the Gamer. I don't know about this movie but Michael C. Hall really does a wonderful job in Dexter. And if you are looking to see Gerard Butler in a different form - check out PS I love you or The Ugly Truth.

    Or actually dont because they suck balls.

  4. Hmm...next time could we start with the definition of a movie? I don't think I know what a movie is....

    And yeah....you're ahead of me by three peeps....way to go!

  5. OK- so what is it about Kate B.? Hmmm??? Hubs loves her. She is on his top 5 list a la Friends ( you know . . . if he ever runs into one of his top 5 and she actually wants to sleep with him . . . he has my permission). Anyways, is it the accent? The pale skin?? Boobs? What?!?!

  6. I like this new theme. The scary movie...no way. I do not do scary. Of all the ones you reviewed...I think I'll go with the one you didn't - Ghost Town. Sounds way better than boobs and blood and a sausage-ball-inducing shower scene.

  7. I love it T!
    Reading the summary of a movie can be so misleading. Thanks for reviews.

    We don't do scary but might have to check out that one!!

  8. This was a very enjoyable and entertaining post even you reviewed a bunch of movies I would never ever see anyway. When is the chick flick movie review?

  9. I heard about the 7 minute rape scene, and was told that it was "intense"...and sad....and all sorts of effed up. I might rent it, if you did, i might as well! ;)

    I'm disappointed you didn't like so much "the invention of lying"....i heard it was fabulous from one of my other blogging pals, now i'm torn, do i rent it or not?!

    I watched Adventureland last night, have you seen it?


  10. I think it is great that you review movies. I'm always looking for a movie to rent.

  11. Do you get any free pron? You could rate them up to 5 hard-ons.

  12. Is it just me or does the gamer sound like a current version of The Running Man (with Schwarzenegger)?

    last house on the left: saw that in late 70s or early 80s... wont be watching the remake. EVER. Got it?

  13. Lee: Somehow I don't think that was the point of this at all...

    LMJ: The only reason I'd recommend watching that scene is because it then just makes you hate the bad guys all the more. Totally justifies what happens.

    Carissa: Yeah...balls. Heh.

    Daff: For now. You'll catch me soon, because I'm slow.

    Annie: This list is a lie, and you know it. But yeah, she looks alright. I don't have the same kind of crush other guys do.

    Ethel: It's hands down the best movie mentioned in the review. That's real.

    June: If you can get past the scariness and the gore, it's got a great premise.

    Heather: I haven't. I want to. I may get that tonight.

    Cassie: I may have to have my readers suggest a few, then I'll watch them, and give you my reviews.

    Corrie: It's too bad there aren't any good ones this week.

    Coffey: I am so on this.

  14. This was an movie review! You should do this for a living, so much more entertain than those two guys sitting in a fake movie theater. I would love to hear you say the words "as predictable as my next bowel movement" on tv.

  15. The Last House on the Left sounds right up my alley---well, except for that, um, rape thing.

    The rest of them look exactly like my Hubs' favorite kinds of flicks. Will have to tell him about them.


  16. I had no idea that there was a "Smoking Aces 1"...perhaps I need to go to the movies more often.

  17. Good stuff Trav.

    I've seen numbers 1 & 4.

    Have no idea what #2 is, cause the movie picture didn't come up and you didn't name it.

    Otherwise, good stuff.

  18. I loved the first Smokin' Aces movie, so I'll be renting the second one when it finally comes out on DVD down here in NZ. We're a bit pathetic and don't get our movies til they've been out forever in the US and are about ready to show on tv. Yeah. Sad.

    Thanks for the reviews. I'll avoid that Ricky Gervais one.

  19. Wow, those are the best reviews of bad movies I've ever read. You really do have a gift. That last movie scared me just reading about it.

    Love the new look. Love that you quote Edgar Allen Poe.

  20. You should give Michael C. Hall another chance. Dexter is a badass show.

    So, what're your top 5 favorite movies? I gots to know!

  21. I TOLD you it was going to get more real!

    The friend that told me about that movie said she was so disturbed after watching it that she needed something to switch her gears so that she could try to go to sleep. So she caught up on my blog. I think she meant that as a compliment....but I was totally pissed that she wasn't already up to date with it!! How dare her go watch a movie if she still had blog reading to do. *insert grumpy face*

    Oh wait, scratch grumpy face....that one makes me look old.

    *insert one finger salute*

  22. Gerard Butler before he got fat after 300...insert Homer Simpson drool...as for the rest...big fat rape scene! No thanks!

  23. there was so much real shit in that last movie, i though i might, well...

  24. Keep doing this Travis, and before you know it, you'll have your own TV show as a movie critic.

  25. k so the reviews were cool and all, but more importantly, why WHY did you get kicked out of post it note tuesday, jess? pray tell

  26. Do this every week. Pretty please. Maybe you could review those terrible movies they always show on Sci-Fi network. That would also make me happy.

  27. Um...you should watch Dexter for real. It is the best show on TV. Seriously. Well, unless you like cult type cheesy musicals, then I totally recommend GLEE.

    I haven't seen any of these. But, I wouldn't dare watch the last one. I don't like scary movies.

  28. I'm straight but I think Kate Beckinsale is hawt!

  29. Wait. Do I get to see Gerard Butler NAKED in Gamer? I don't care if the movie sucks or not.

    I'm not interest in the other ones. Thanks for the reviews, though!

  30. Last House on the Left.


  31. I'm straight, too, but if I decided to go the opposite direction with it, I'd go Kate B's direction. Yowzah!

    Anywho, I need to see that last one if just for the final scene (I heard about it but won't spoil it for everyone). I could probably do without the rape scene. The thought gets me severely pissed off without even seeing it.

  32. I loved this!! I'm definately coming back for more Trav's Movie Reviews.

    As for Post-It Note Tuesdays, I'd love to participate myself. But the dumbass that I am, I can't seem to figure out how to do it. )=


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