Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Movie Review Tuesday: The Sequel.

I got a pretty good reception out of Movie Review Tuesday last week, so I'm going to do it again. The following may contain spoilers, just to let you know.

I do this for y'all, because I get to rent movies a week earlier than everyone else. The only way it really helps you I guess is if you didn't watch them in the theater. If you did, you should still totally comment, and just tell me how good my ass looks today.

On with the movies.

The first one I saw was:

Fireball. Have you ever watched a basketball game and said to yourself, "Dude, this is great, but you know what would really make this pop? More karate. And specifically, more Muy Thai kickboxing." You have? Well, then this movie is for you. When I picked the case up and saw two men ninja-ing it up over a basketball, I thought I'd died or was dreaming. This movie is TERRIBLE. But it is the greatest bad movie, EVER. The movie is done in sub-titles, and still, the audio syncing is awful. The fight scenes are legit, and the stunt work is good. There is a parkour scene with a basketball that made my year, and it's only January. If you happen to find this movie on the shelf, do yourself a favor and rent it. You won't be sorry. Just don't expect it to be good. Or you will be sorry. Also, the phrase "You son of a whore!" was used, making this an instant classic.

I give it 4 of 5 stars.

Up next:

Surrogates, starring none other than Bruce Willis, who has had a long and illustrious film career. This movie should not have been included in it. I hate to start reviews on a bad note, but I really think that's his fault. The special effects were INCREDIBLY done, and I really liked the premise. However, horrible acting plagued this film like a hot cheerleader with herpes plagues a football team. Willis plays a cop in a world that is run by surrogates that stand in for humans on a daily basis. This allows humans to stay inside all the time, rendering crime non-existent. It also allows people to lie about who they are. There is a movement against the surrogates that is made up of real people, and shit kind of gets real at the end. It just wasn't much good. However, it is my number two pick this week, so that tells you about the week in general.

I give it 3 of 5 stars.

Next up!

Folks, this is a GREAT movie. I laughed nearly the whole way through it, and it was a good kind of laugh. Whip It stars Ellen Page (Juno) as a typical high school girl with all her typical high school girl woes. Matter of fact, it's almost the same girl she played in Juno, only you know, not pregnant, because roller derby isn't really suited for pregnant ladies. She hooks up with a roller derby team that is (loosely) headed up by Drew Barrymore, who is also in her first directorial role. The supporting cast was amazing, and it had Kristin Wiig in it, who I think is SMOKIN hot. The characters are real and genuine, and the movie was shot very well. Easily the best movie I saw this week, and I can promise you that the whole family will enjoy it.

I give it 4 1/2 out of 5 stars.

Next movie, come on down!

Wushu is a Jackie Chan movie, that doesn't have Jackie Chan in it, which was a relief to me, because I'm a Jet Li fan. I didn't go into this movie with high expectations, and I was pleasantly surprised. This movie was also in sub-titles, but the choreography was AMAZING. It's basically a story of 5 kids that enter a training camp together, and graduate ten years later, just in time to foil a kidnapping ring that is operated by bad guys that make Oscar the Grouch look like a hard core thug. They were laughably bad, and their ring is split up like a wishbone in a dogfight. However, if you can make it through that, you'll see some amazing martial arts. I recommend this movie just for that, and I'd definitely rank it above Fireball, but I'd rent Fireball first just for the experience.

I give it 3 out of 5 stars.

The last new movie of the week...

I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell is the WORST movie I watched this week. It was a pathetic excuse for a teen comedy that tried really hard to be in the same vein as American Pie. I laughed maybe once, and the whole movie was just one giant ball and poop joke. Don't get me wrong, I love a good ball and poop joke, but not this. There was about a 20 minute stretch where they are in a strip club, and I forgot about how bad the movie was during that time, but then it comes roaring back at you when they walk out of the club. I don't have any idea who stars in it, but I understand it's not the same person who wrote the book. Do yourself a favor, and if you rent this, just skip to the strip club scene, rub one out, and call it a day.

I give it 1 out of 5 stars.

And finally:

The classic movie I picked this week was Equilibrium. Kid Funk said I needed to see this, and he wouldn't shut up about it till I did. Aside from being a shot for shot remake of the Matrix, it was a very good movie with lots of good special effects and non-stop twists and turns. It stars Christian Bale, mostly just running around killing people with very little gore or blood. It also has Taye Diggs, who could possibly be the worst actor in the history of time. The basic premise is that we live in a world where feeling is no longer allowed, and "sensing" is a crime. Bale plays an agent who seeks out the people who harbor things that evoke feeling, and who is starting to wonder if maybe he's on the wrong track. The Funk wasn't lying when he said, "I bet you want to go out and buy two handguns when it's over." If you haven't seen this yet, rent it and check it out. You won't have to think much, and it's not terrible.

I give it 3 1/2 out of 5 stars.

That does it for today's Movie Review Tuesday. Get out there and watch some movies!

I'm pretty sure I'll be guest blogging tomorrow, so if anyone wants a no strings attached shot at my blog, email me if you can get a post up by tomorrow. (TWSS)


  1. Aww, I was hoping "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" would at least be watchable. Does your review mean I should remove it from my NetFlix Queue?

    Tucker's blog was a staple when I was in college. That story about testing the breathalizer was priceless.

  2. I watched 'Public Enemies' which I would love to rate except it took me three tries to finish it because I kept falling asleep.

    I guess I rated it right then kinda, didn't I?

  3. I want to see Whip It. Drew Barymore came to Austin to train/observe with the Austin Roller Girls for that movie...

    I love movie reviews. I used to be a GM at Suncoast so I would watch a shit-ton of movies, but now, life with a husband and a baby, there's only room for shit.

  4. I was a little confused as to how they were going to make "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" into a movie without making it a full-blown porn.

    Oh, and Taye Diggs doesn't have to be a good actor because he's ridiculously good looking. Duh.

  5. The last movie I saw was Avatar which was awesome!

  6. I've been dying to see Whip It. Ellen Page is hilarious and awesome.

  7. I reallllly want to see Whip it... I'm sad to hear that the "I hope they server beer in hell" sucked!! I actually liked the book and was looking forward to it!!

  8. Whip It was great.

    I'll probably still check out Surrogates.

    "Shot for shot remake of The Matrix" is pretty damn close.

    Unfortunately for the others, I can't watch martial arts movies unless they have Bruce Lee in them.

  9. I still think that you should use fish instead of stars, to stay with the theme of your blog.

    And to highlight your Jesus love, you could throw in some loaves if it was a really good flick.


    "I give this movie 2 fishes and 3 loaves"

    or something.

    But definitely switch to the fishes thing.

    Stars are so yesterday. Kind of like Thumbs.

  10. I've been dying to see Whip It! Now I can rent it with complete and utter confidence that I'll enjoy it. :)

  11. I have had a girl crush on Ellen Page ever since Juno (which I own). I just added Whip It to my Netflix queue! I can't wait!

  12. Who has time to watch movies?? Oh wait - I guess you do. Hmmm I envy you. I have a Netflix account (gasp! I know you rental places hate Netflix) and I never get to watch my movies. Nope. Everyone else gets to but I can not find the time to sit through one. Oh well...someday. I'll just live vicariously through your movie reviews for now...

  13. I love your reviews...especially the hot cheerleader with Herpes reference...

    Keep up the good work. Somebody has to watch all the movies we don't have time to.

  14. Why couldn't pregnant women do rollerblading? I would pay to see a bunch of inflamed, hormonal pregnant women knocking it out on skates trying to get to a bowl of Haagan Dazs. It would be bloodier than hockey match. Where’s the ticket booth????

  15. Thanks again for the movie reviews. I might check out one of them. I should have #1 son read your reviews, he's always watching movies.

  16. Dude, have I told you how great your ass looks in those pants?

  17. Hey I'd totally guest blog for you- just not by tomorrow. Id have to get y shiz together bc you're awesome and id like to have the oppotunity to match that.

    lets figure something out

  18. Funny and helpful. What a public service!

  19. So I went to look up Fireball and Whip It on Redbox. Guess who's lame and doesn't have it yet? That means I have to wait to get them until later. BOO REDBOX. JUST, BOO.

  20. Thanks again T for doing the movie reviews. I really hate wasting time on a shitty movie.

    Whip it going into my Netflix que!

  21. That's awesome. I've been meaning to watch Whip It but I forgot to add it to my Netflix queue so now I'm doing that right this second. Um also, I fucking hate Tucker Max and wouldn't touch his book for fear of residual AIDS and douchebaggery, so I'm glad to hear that the movie sucked ass.

  22. I watched Inglorious Basterds this weekend. I know it isn't on the list. If you are a Quentin T fan, it is classic Q! LOVED IT!

  23. Thank you ;-) look at that emo boy one on this blog:

  24. I was glad to see you review a chick flick (kinda) with Whip It, and not all dick flicks. I mean, c'mon, you do have both sexes as followers. Throw us girls a bone (not a BONER).

    Speaking of boner, too funny about rubbing one out during the strip scene. And you did this with your wife and kids home? Or in a dark room watching the movie on your computer?

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