Friday, January 29, 2010

Tik Tok And Why Music Sucks Now. Volume IV

By now I am sure you're all familiar with my "Why Music Sucks Now" line of posts.

I've done some others, and the one that made me blamous* was my review over Birthday Sex.

I still get hits on my blog from that. And if you google the definition of impry, my blog is the first search result! How cool is that?!?

Anyway, onto today's victim song.

This song is currently number 1 in the country according to Billboard.

It shouldn't be, and I have a quote from a fellow blogger on that later. Right now, I'm going to give you the lyrics, then I will break the song down for you.

 Tik Tok Lyrics


Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
(Hey, what up girl?)
Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city
(Lets go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back


I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don't stop, no


Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger


I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk


Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no


DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
You got me now
You got that sound
Yeah, you got me


DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me


With my hands up
Put your hands up
Put your hands up


Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no

Here are some of the things I find HORRIBLY RETARDED about this song.


1. "Wake up in the morning and I feel like P. Diddy." What? Drunk? Missing Beyonce? Did he date Beyonce? I think he did. And now the ugliest man in the world is dating Beyonce. But I digress. They only way I want to wake up feeling like P. Diddy is if it means I'm rich, or I'm black. I'd take either.

2. Why would anyone brush their teeth with Jack? What the hell does this mean? Actually, I may try this and vlog about it. Now that I think about it, I'm going to. It'll have to be when I can afford a bottle of Jack, though. And, also now that I'm thinking about it, I guess in a way, it'd be like using booze flavored Listerene. So yeah. Maybe she has a point here.

3. I'm going to go on a tangent here about repeating lyrics in songs, and how it's become a real problem. She says "toes toes, clothes clothes, phones phones." I'm tired of it. I'm tired of repetition in my songs other than the GD chorus. You know? You know? You know? How did you like that? Annoying, right? "If he types that one more time, I will LEAVE!" That's probably what you said. Why are we tolerating it in our music? Did Michael Jackson ever repeat anything aside from touching children? No. Why? Because he was a mutha fuckin lyrical fuckin genius. That's real.

4. Why in the HELL would you want your speakers blown up? Those things cost money, and I'm willing to bet that she doesn't have the cheap kind, either. Not the ones that you can get at Wal-Mart for 5 bucks that plug into your computer and you can never quite hear GOOD out of them. She probably has speakers that would permantly damage hearing if properly used, and she wants to blow them up? Send them to me, please. I'd  like a pair for my surround sound system. Thanks.

5. You're going to "fight until the sunlight?" Like, a fistfight? For sure, if it's a chick fight, I want to watch. They do that, ya know. They oil up and go at each other and they start rubbin each other down and slowly undress...wait. Wait. I've digressed. But yeah. Fighting until sunlight? Not this guy. You let someone start a fight with me in a club. I will RUN. I'm not a hero. If necessary, I can ask The Missus to handle it. But fighting in a club, especially until the sun rises is NOT classy. You hear that, Kie$ha? Not classy.

6. Which brings me to this. Kie$ha. What? Really? You can just put a dollar sign in your name? You're not black. And yes. You have to be black to do that. That's real. I'm pretty sure they have like a patent or something. And if they don't, they should, because really? Travi$ just doesn't look right, and neither does Kie$ha. Or $teve. Or Ju$tin. However, $ean P. Diddy looks LEGIT. Just leave it as an "S," babe. You'll do just fine.

7. "Ain't got a care in the world, but we've got plenty of beer." Okay. I need you to say this with me. "I'm an alcoholic." There. That's step one. 11 more, and you're gonna be all better.

8. Your lack of money is probably due to the fact that you buy speakers and beer.

9. If I hear one more white person use the word "swagger" I will punch a baby. That's real.

10. HAVE YOU SEEN MIK JAGGER?!?
 I rest my case.

11. If boys are trying to your "junk junk" you might consider dressing less like a whore and/or leaving the place you are at, in hopes of finding a club instead of a prison dance. I mean, come on guys. How many of you have just grabbed a woman's junk junk in a club? I haven't. Hell, I don't think I've ever been IN a club. All I know, right now, if I grabbed at my wife's, for sure, I'd get slapped, AND I'M MARRIED.

12. Now she talks about self defense. But only if he gets to "drunk drunk." Which is going to happen if they have "plenty of beer." Should this lady even be here? I am really beginning to think maybe she has some daddy issues.

13. The cops are coming, and I'm pretty sure she's organized the club into a active resistance. Which is smart. A bunch of drunk horny guys, and a bunch of drunk tired of being harassed chicks going at the "po po's" This will end well. 40 years from now, I'll be telling the story of the "Racist Cops of Club Crunk Junk" to my grandchildren and reminding them that even though they don't have enough money, if they have plenty of beer, they're okay. And letting my granddaughters know that if someone tries to grab their junk junk, make sure to smack them only if they're drunk drunk.

14. I am almost entirely certain that from here on out, the DJ is physically/verbally/sexually assaulting this young lady, and no one cares, no, not even her. He gets her heart pounding, then he breaks her down, then he lifts her up, he has her hands up, and then making her heart pound again. Oddly enough, this sounds like the relationship I had with my junior high gym teacher...wait. What?

15. "Now the party don't start till I walk in." What a conceited bitch. I've been to plenty of parties, and you haven't shown up to ONE of them, and for sure, they've all started (and ended) very nicely. Would they have been improved by your presence? Well, that depends. Would you have sang? Because no, it wouldn't have. Getting naked? Yes, it would have. Anything else? No, I don't think it would have improved anything at all. I have a feeling that just talking to you would lead me to choking you with a fury that normally I reserve for kittens and baby birds.

That's all I have for you, folks. Like I said, this song is NUMBER FUCKING ONE on the charts right now, and that brings me to a quote by a wise lass that I've just recently had the pleasure of talking to.

I'm talking of the one and only Ginger Mandy, who says this:

"That song being #1 represents 85 to 90 percent of everything that is wrong with this country. The other 10 to 15 percent is Wal-Mart."

That's real.

*blamous is a term coined by Kid Funk that just means "blog famous." He used it in a conversation describing me the other day, along with calling me a "bliar."

Y'all have a great weekend, and I'll stop around this weekend and do some commenting and check out your blogs. Also, just to let you know, I had almost ALL of the comments responded to, and the power went down on my laptop. There was no way in HELL I was going to start typing all that funniness out again! However, I thank you so much for all of your comments, and I'd like to hit 50 again sometime this month! 

I love you. 

30 comments:

  1. The last person I heard who liked to brush her teeth with Jack was Jill.

    I'll give you a minute.

    ReplyDelete
  2. And this is considered good, huh?
    #1?

    WTF is this world coming to?

    Mick is one ugly mofo... just sayin'

    ReplyDelete
  3. Travis- I just love you! The michael jackson commentary was classic! It had me rolling. Thanks! :)

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  4. You know, deaf people may really have the better end of the deal.

    We better see a post like this again because its damn funny stuff.

    Heh...I say that like my opinion is SO important.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Great post Travi$!

    I HATE the effin $ong!

    I have touched a girls junk in a club once. I was in the Navy, and drunk, and a bunch of guys dared me, and I was drunk.

    I'm not proud.

    That bitch almost kicked my ass.

    Her boyfriend thought it was hilarious.

    Yeah, I said boyfriend. That's partly why there was a dare. They wanted to see a fight started between me and him. He was too smart to do anything though, cause of all the other Navy guys with me. However, I was not planning on fighting her, which I almost had to.

    Oh, I said junk, but it was really her ass.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ok, I have been dieting. I have been trying to lose my fat ass...guess what? You just helped tremendously in my efforts because I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF at this post! YOu're really too much! I love it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I loved the whole post, but I think my favorites were "blamous" and "bliar"...You and Kid Funk are tight, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  8. The Girl asked me to download this song for her. I said, "Not a chance, chance."

    ReplyDelete
  9. I KNEW there was a reason that I had stopped listening to 99.9% of the stations on the radio! Thanks for the reminder.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I knew this song was annoying for a reason and now I know I have a list.

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  11. you already know what i think, think about this song, song...

    this is why i hate people younger than me. also why i don't listen to the radio.

    ugh. ya know travis... i bet you could write a sick rap song. you should try it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Itunes was offering the video to this song for free last month. That is why it is number one. Most people will take anything that's free!

    I am proud to say my cheapness lost out to my sanity on that one.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I haven't even heard this song!

    Oh wait: I don't listen to radio stations.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sheesh, I must live under a rock. I have never even heard this song! And I dont think I want to anyways.

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  15. I heart you. I can't stand this fucking song either. The whole $ sign in the middle of her name pisses me off too. I'm sorry, but if it's that much trouble to type you're name, I refuse. Take care Travi$! ;)

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  16. That song makes me want to stab myself in the face. How the hell this crap becomes popular is beyond me.

    ReplyDelete
  17. That ain't music...it's just noise!

    Don't get me wrong....if I could make that kinda cake for producing ridiculous drivel, I would so do it.

    Craziness...and you TravyG are one funny mofo!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am seriously sick of bubblegum bullshit songs like this clogging up the airwaves. They come in every genre, but especially in rap and so-called R&B. And I second what GingerMandy said. 'Tis sad, very sad.

    ReplyDelete
  19. She probably feels like P Diddy when she wakes up because she moisturizes the sexy.

    And by "moisturizes the sexy," I mean she got a facial from some stranger that bought her drinks all night (because she has no money and brushes her teefs with Jack) and then had his way with her when she passed out drunk.

    There. I said it.

    Tramp.

    ReplyDelete
  20. wtf do most of those lyrics mean? I've never heard it, but that's one of the advantages of being a hermit. I don't have to pay attention to secular culture. And Mick Jagger? Really? Ewwww. I'd rather do my dad. OK strike that, that was a "blie" and sick even for me.
    It was obviously the only thing she could thing of that rhymed with "swagger".

    How much does a bottle of Jack cost? We can take up a collection.

    ReplyDelete
  21. 1. P. Diddy went out with/tapped that with JLo, not Beyonce.

    2. Beyonce isn't dating the ugliest man in the world anymore, she actually married him. They goin' to be some ugly ass babies comin', fo' sho'.

    3. So glad I stopped listening to current radio years ago - I like being stuck in the Hotel California of classic rock. Yup. Nothin' after about 1990 ...

    Did you ever figure out what was up with your reader not showing my latest posts? It's not the same around here without your pithy, cryptic and yet hilarious comments.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I can't stand most of todays music!!!

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  23. Good God.
    Even reading it was irritating.
    I think I'm pretty secure in believing that modern music doesn't irritate me simply because I'm getting older; it really is complete shit.
    I wan't to lock teenagers in a room and make them listen to Public Enemy's entire catalog to remind them exactly how shitty it's gotten.

    Or maybe just lock them in a room and have done.

    ReplyDelete
  24. It doesn't mean we're old because we're all bitching about how horrible this song is, right?? RIGHT?

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  25. It doesn't mean we're old because we're all bitching about how horrible this song is, right?? RIGHT?

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  26. LMAO Travie! This song is not cool. I can't beleive it is number 1. The chick's voice is so annoying. I'm sure this is a one hit wonder. I didn't even know who this chick was, I thought it was Tila Tiquila or some dumb ho.

    So ummmm there are two songs that are annoying the piss outta me since moving here:

    Adam Lambert's What Do you Want From Me and some country song about being drunk after 1AM and drubk dialing or some crap...hang on I'll bing it - it's called Need You Now by Lady Antelbellum I am being told.

    I bet you like that country song you big oakie you!

    ReplyDelete
  27. LMAO Travie! This song is not cool. I can't beleive it is number 1. The chick's voice is so annoying. I'm sure this is a one hit wonder. I didn't even know who this chick was, I thought it was Tila Tiquila or some dumb ho.

    So ummmm there are two songs that are annoying the piss outta me since moving here:

    Adam Lambert's What Do you Want From Me and some country song about being drunk after 1AM and drubk dialing or some crap...hang on I'll bing it - it's called Need You Now by Lady Antelbellum I am being told.

    I bet you like that country song you big oakie you!

    ReplyDelete
  28. and crap I look like I am drunk blogging with all those typos - please forgive me...I know how you are about hos that can't spell.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Seriously, I feel like such an old fart sometimes. Like when I read this stuff. But I'd like to add that I also really hate that Miley Cyrus song ---that Party in the USA shiggedy or whatever it is. That is right up there with this one. Makes me crazy IRRITATED!

    ReplyDelete
  30. "I'm no hero." LMFAO!!

    I've had my junk grabbed in a club before. We were at a country western bar...you know, the kind with a REAL bull riding ring on the lower level. My husbands best friend's brother was sitting on a stool staring at me. Next thing I know, he stands up, walks over, and grabs my.....junk. Then he just goes back and sits down. After the shock wore off, I told my husband and his best friend. Did they go kick his ass and defend me? No. But probably because the dude was a coked out seriously crazy mo fo. He's also a mortician. I told the prince that if anything ever happened to me while we were in Texas, he better NOT call Roy to come pick up my body!! *gagging* I went home and cleaned my....junk...with a brillo pad. I think I'm in the clear now and no longer in danger of losing it....

    ReplyDelete

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