Friday, January 29, 2010

Tik Tok And Why Music Sucks Now. Volume IV

By now I am sure you're all familiar with my "Why Music Sucks Now" line of posts.

I've done some others, and the one that made me blamous* was my review over Birthday Sex.

I still get hits on my blog from that. And if you google the definition of impry, my blog is the first search result! How cool is that?!?

Anyway, onto today's victim song.

This song is currently number 1 in the country according to Billboard.

It shouldn't be, and I have a quote from a fellow blogger on that later. Right now, I'm going to give you the lyrics, then I will break the song down for you.

 Tik Tok Lyrics


Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
(Hey, what up girl?)
Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city
(Lets go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back


I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don't stop, no


Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger


I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk


Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no


DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
You got me now
You got that sound
Yeah, you got me


DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me


With my hands up
Put your hands up
Put your hands up


Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no


Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'mma fight
'Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don't stop, no

Here are some of the things I find HORRIBLY RETARDED about this song.


1. "Wake up in the morning and I feel like P. Diddy." What? Drunk? Missing Beyonce? Did he date Beyonce? I think he did. And now the ugliest man in the world is dating Beyonce. But I digress. They only way I want to wake up feeling like P. Diddy is if it means I'm rich, or I'm black. I'd take either.

2. Why would anyone brush their teeth with Jack? What the hell does this mean? Actually, I may try this and vlog about it. Now that I think about it, I'm going to. It'll have to be when I can afford a bottle of Jack, though. And, also now that I'm thinking about it, I guess in a way, it'd be like using booze flavored Listerene. So yeah. Maybe she has a point here.

3. I'm going to go on a tangent here about repeating lyrics in songs, and how it's become a real problem. She says "toes toes, clothes clothes, phones phones." I'm tired of it. I'm tired of repetition in my songs other than the GD chorus. You know? You know? You know? How did you like that? Annoying, right? "If he types that one more time, I will LEAVE!" That's probably what you said. Why are we tolerating it in our music? Did Michael Jackson ever repeat anything aside from touching children? No. Why? Because he was a mutha fuckin lyrical fuckin genius. That's real.

4. Why in the HELL would you want your speakers blown up? Those things cost money, and I'm willing to bet that she doesn't have the cheap kind, either. Not the ones that you can get at Wal-Mart for 5 bucks that plug into your computer and you can never quite hear GOOD out of them. She probably has speakers that would permantly damage hearing if properly used, and she wants to blow them up? Send them to me, please. I'd  like a pair for my surround sound system. Thanks.

5. You're going to "fight until the sunlight?" Like, a fistfight? For sure, if it's a chick fight, I want to watch. They do that, ya know. They oil up and go at each other and they start rubbin each other down and slowly undress...wait. Wait. I've digressed. But yeah. Fighting until sunlight? Not this guy. You let someone start a fight with me in a club. I will RUN. I'm not a hero. If necessary, I can ask The Missus to handle it. But fighting in a club, especially until the sun rises is NOT classy. You hear that, Kie$ha? Not classy.

6. Which brings me to this. Kie$ha. What? Really? You can just put a dollar sign in your name? You're not black. And yes. You have to be black to do that. That's real. I'm pretty sure they have like a patent or something. And if they don't, they should, because really? Travi$ just doesn't look right, and neither does Kie$ha. Or $teve. Or Ju$tin. However, $ean P. Diddy looks LEGIT. Just leave it as an "S," babe. You'll do just fine.

7. "Ain't got a care in the world, but we've got plenty of beer." Okay. I need you to say this with me. "I'm an alcoholic." There. That's step one. 11 more, and you're gonna be all better.

8. Your lack of money is probably due to the fact that you buy speakers and beer.

9. If I hear one more white person use the word "swagger" I will punch a baby. That's real.

10. HAVE YOU SEEN MIK JAGGER?!?
 I rest my case.

11. If boys are trying to your "junk junk" you might consider dressing less like a whore and/or leaving the place you are at, in hopes of finding a club instead of a prison dance. I mean, come on guys. How many of you have just grabbed a woman's junk junk in a club? I haven't. Hell, I don't think I've ever been IN a club. All I know, right now, if I grabbed at my wife's, for sure, I'd get slapped, AND I'M MARRIED.

12. Now she talks about self defense. But only if he gets to "drunk drunk." Which is going to happen if they have "plenty of beer." Should this lady even be here? I am really beginning to think maybe she has some daddy issues.

13. The cops are coming, and I'm pretty sure she's organized the club into a active resistance. Which is smart. A bunch of drunk horny guys, and a bunch of drunk tired of being harassed chicks going at the "po po's" This will end well. 40 years from now, I'll be telling the story of the "Racist Cops of Club Crunk Junk" to my grandchildren and reminding them that even though they don't have enough money, if they have plenty of beer, they're okay. And letting my granddaughters know that if someone tries to grab their junk junk, make sure to smack them only if they're drunk drunk.

14. I am almost entirely certain that from here on out, the DJ is physically/verbally/sexually assaulting this young lady, and no one cares, no, not even her. He gets her heart pounding, then he breaks her down, then he lifts her up, he has her hands up, and then making her heart pound again. Oddly enough, this sounds like the relationship I had with my junior high gym teacher...wait. What?

15. "Now the party don't start till I walk in." What a conceited bitch. I've been to plenty of parties, and you haven't shown up to ONE of them, and for sure, they've all started (and ended) very nicely. Would they have been improved by your presence? Well, that depends. Would you have sang? Because no, it wouldn't have. Getting naked? Yes, it would have. Anything else? No, I don't think it would have improved anything at all. I have a feeling that just talking to you would lead me to choking you with a fury that normally I reserve for kittens and baby birds.

That's all I have for you, folks. Like I said, this song is NUMBER FUCKING ONE on the charts right now, and that brings me to a quote by a wise lass that I've just recently had the pleasure of talking to.

I'm talking of the one and only Ginger Mandy, who says this:

"That song being #1 represents 85 to 90 percent of everything that is wrong with this country. The other 10 to 15 percent is Wal-Mart."

That's real.

*blamous is a term coined by Kid Funk that just means "blog famous." He used it in a conversation describing me the other day, along with calling me a "bliar."

Y'all have a great weekend, and I'll stop around this weekend and do some commenting and check out your blogs. Also, just to let you know, I had almost ALL of the comments responded to, and the power went down on my laptop. There was no way in HELL I was going to start typing all that funniness out again! However, I thank you so much for all of your comments, and I'd like to hit 50 again sometime this month! 

I love you.