Thursday, January 21, 2010

TMI Thursday: My First Look At Real Boobs.

Folks, it's TMI Thursday time with the one and only Lilu over at LivitLuvit. She's a peach of a gal that really does her best to get everyone on the internet to do something embarrassing or nasty on Thursdays, and so far, she's done a good job. This is my contribution this week. If you want more of this, please for the love of all that is holy and pure, click the picture of those old people having more fun than you did last night. 
TMI Thursday

I think I was 14. It's hard to remember, and I've tried to mostly block it from my mind.

It was also on a band bus.

It's here that I'd like to take the opportunity to say a few words to the parents whose kids want to play the trumpet, the saxophone, the clarinet, or if they're chunky, the tuba.

It's cool and all, until a band trip.

For some reason, little Johnny or Kate, most notably Kate, will be an incredible child and a great role model until they get on a band bus. Then the magic happens.

Innocent young teens go abso-fucking-lutely apeshit. It's the hormones.

I made out with a black chick on a band bus. And I just want to take an aside from the aside and say that when you get made out with by a black chick, you STAY made out with. That shit is EPIC.

Anyway, parents, I suggest you think twice about letting little Johnny and Kate go to Six Flags with the band on a "band trip."

You remember the first American Pie where that weird wicked hot chick from How I Met Your Mother talks about shovin a flute up her axe wound?

Yeah... That shit happens for realsies.

Anyboob, we're on a band trip, and we're playing truth or dare.

It get's to Kate* and she takes dare. Well, my buddy looked at me and said, "Have you ever seen tits before?"

"No..."

"Well then, Kate, I dare you to flash Travis."

Let me tell you about Kate. They called Kate "Loppy." I didn't know why. I was a young, innocent child, with very little in the way of sexual knowledge, unless you count getting girls to touch my penis by telling them it was a spider.

I soon found out why they called her Loppy.

I was expecting a bra flash, something I'd seen before, and wasn't real impressed with.

No.

I got the real deal. I got the full monty. I got...Tha Bidness.

She flipped the bra up, and out fell two of the weirdest looking boobies I've seen TO THIS DAY. Folks, it was insane. I've taken the liberty of using MS Paint to illustrate what I saw:


It. Was. Awful.

Was I aroused?

You got dang right.

Why?

CAUSE I WAS LOOKIN AT MY FIRST PAIR OF REAL FEET!

Surely one of you will get that reference.

Bonus points to the one who does.

My buddies all laughed, because I was apparently the last to know about ol' Loppy. I guess she flashed those things like they were the last pair on earth, and I'll never understand that. Why can't the hot chicks do that sort of thing?

Anyway, if this story had a moral, and most of mine do if you look hard enough, it'd be this.

When Johnny picks up the trumpet, you give him the sex talk, slap him on the ass and slip him some condoms.

When Kate picks up the flute, lock her in her room and only let her wear turtle necks and long pants until she's out of the house.

Oh.

And parents? If your daughter has hairy boobs, can you...ahem...SAY SOMETHING?

Thanks a million.

*Name was changed to protect identity. That's the last thing I need is that chick adding me on Facebook and seeing this. Geez. So yeah. Her name wasn't Kate.

(P.S. Don't give me shit about that double standard. It's always been there, I'm just bringing it up. (heh) For sure, you think my baby niece will be the most protected little girl ever? You better believe it.)