Thursday, January 21, 2010

TMI Thursday: My First Look At Real Boobs.

Folks, it's TMI Thursday time with the one and only Lilu over at LivitLuvit. She's a peach of a gal that really does her best to get everyone on the internet to do something embarrassing or nasty on Thursdays, and so far, she's done a good job. This is my contribution this week. If you want more of this, please for the love of all that is holy and pure, click the picture of those old people having more fun than you did last night. 
TMI Thursday

I think I was 14. It's hard to remember, and I've tried to mostly block it from my mind.

It was also on a band bus.

It's here that I'd like to take the opportunity to say a few words to the parents whose kids want to play the trumpet, the saxophone, the clarinet, or if they're chunky, the tuba.

It's cool and all, until a band trip.

For some reason, little Johnny or Kate, most notably Kate, will be an incredible child and a great role model until they get on a band bus. Then the magic happens.

Innocent young teens go abso-fucking-lutely apeshit. It's the hormones.

I made out with a black chick on a band bus. And I just want to take an aside from the aside and say that when you get made out with by a black chick, you STAY made out with. That shit is EPIC.

Anyway, parents, I suggest you think twice about letting little Johnny and Kate go to Six Flags with the band on a "band trip."

You remember the first American Pie where that weird wicked hot chick from How I Met Your Mother talks about shovin a flute up her axe wound?

Yeah... That shit happens for realsies.

Anyboob, we're on a band trip, and we're playing truth or dare.

It get's to Kate* and she takes dare. Well, my buddy looked at me and said, "Have you ever seen tits before?"

"No..."

"Well then, Kate, I dare you to flash Travis."

Let me tell you about Kate. They called Kate "Loppy." I didn't know why. I was a young, innocent child, with very little in the way of sexual knowledge, unless you count getting girls to touch my penis by telling them it was a spider.

I soon found out why they called her Loppy.

I was expecting a bra flash, something I'd seen before, and wasn't real impressed with.

No.

I got the real deal. I got the full monty. I got...Tha Bidness.

She flipped the bra up, and out fell two of the weirdest looking boobies I've seen TO THIS DAY. Folks, it was insane. I've taken the liberty of using MS Paint to illustrate what I saw:


It. Was. Awful.

Was I aroused?

You got dang right.

Why?

CAUSE I WAS LOOKIN AT MY FIRST PAIR OF REAL FEET!

Surely one of you will get that reference.

Bonus points to the one who does.

My buddies all laughed, because I was apparently the last to know about ol' Loppy. I guess she flashed those things like they were the last pair on earth, and I'll never understand that. Why can't the hot chicks do that sort of thing?

Anyway, if this story had a moral, and most of mine do if you look hard enough, it'd be this.

When Johnny picks up the trumpet, you give him the sex talk, slap him on the ass and slip him some condoms.

When Kate picks up the flute, lock her in her room and only let her wear turtle necks and long pants until she's out of the house.

Oh.

And parents? If your daughter has hairy boobs, can you...ahem...SAY SOMETHING?

Thanks a million.

*Name was changed to protect identity. That's the last thing I need is that chick adding me on Facebook and seeing this. Geez. So yeah. Her name wasn't Kate.

(P.S. Don't give me shit about that double standard. It's always been there, I'm just bringing it up. (heh) For sure, you think my baby niece will be the most protected little girl ever? You better believe it.)


52 comments:

  1. But I love how you guys rekindled the magic and got married many years later.

    Lovely.

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  2. Pinkus was on a week long bus tour with the high school band last summer and about 10 other bus trips... Now I am seriously concerned! He was always smiling when he was around his band brothers/sisters.

    Think I will have a good talk with the boy before he takes off again this summer...

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  3. Moog: I'm gonna need you to come down and sign this real nice looking piece of paper. It's real fancy. You're signing under "Reason for Divorce."

    Appreciate that.

    June: Now you know why he's smiling. You'd be better off sending him to a strip club for the summer.

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  4. I've seen a similar pair (sans hair) in my lifetime. I can confirm that this does actually happen, you get perky on the right (her right your left) and droopy on the left (her left your right).

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  5. I am cracking up over the picture. You should be an artist.

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  6. van gogh and picasso never drew anything as hauntingly terrifying

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  7. roflmbo sooo what you are saying is if she ever decided to breast feed she could do so with one from teh top bunk of a bunk bed and for the other the child would require flossing after??? is that what you are saying??

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  8. This is an image that will haunt my dreams forever. Loppy. Shit.

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  9. I have a similar story. I would post it, but people would probably think I copied you.

    Although, I was never a band geek.

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  10. Griffin: It's like a got dang Greek tragedy.

    Lee: Naw. That's Ed. Ed does the best MS Paint stuff EVAH.

    Jeff: It keeps me up nights.

    Angel: The picture you just put in my head is so much worse than this post...

    Josh: I'd apologize... But I have to live with it, why shouldn't you?

    Ed: Who the hell cares about infringement? And yeah... I was a confused child.

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  11. What a great picture!! I think that image is probably worse than the actual boobs. So all the cliches about the band busses are true. Nice.

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  12. Damnit! Now everyone knows about Lopp- oh, wait. You said you changed the name. Psh! Of course you did...I don't have weirdly lopsided/overly hairy boobs. Whatev.

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  13. Well by now I'm sure like any self-respecting sasquatch she's gotten all the tit-hair removed by laser and gotten implants to perk up Droopy. :)

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  14. OMG, how old was she with the loppy booby? Good for her for showing them loud and proud, I was way too shy and looking back shouldn't of been. Guess I should of been a band geek instead of a cheerleader, then I would of got some action!

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  15. That picture is the thing nightmares are made of.

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  16. LOL! The first time I saw a penis, I was also dissappointed.

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  17. Most of my friends in high school were band geeks, except me. I was just a geek.

    Ididn't get the reference. :(

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  18. LOL to LMJ's comment! Blahhhaaaa ha!

    Okay, as a mom of three teens...none of which are in the band...um..thank God after this post. lol...

    I hear my kids talking all the time about the 'band kids'....so uh, now I know they are actually serious!

    Thanks, lol.

    Great story btw, nice to hear it from a guys perspective

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  19. I was known to be the only girl willing to play the truth or dare. luckily for us it was only in the neighborhood. Was in band but never had a band trip. oh yeah and my boobs are hairless and somewhat even.

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  20. Carissa: I swear I drew the picture more flattering than the real thing. Swearz.

    Kate: I'd be glad to verify that. Just send a pic. :)

    Meeko: I really don't see that happening. But I think I might try to find her on Facebook.

    TOG: I think she was 14? Maybe 15. And yeah. HAWT band bus action.

    Lily: And I have to see it IN MY BRAIN.

    LMJ: I'm disappointed EVERY time I see a penis.

    Sheila: Glad I could help out. Just don't let them get interested in music!

    Mae Rae: As said above, I'll gladly confirm. You know my email addy. Send the pictures!

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  21. That pic was horrid. I can't imagine the damage that could have caused!
    As for the "talk" with the little girls? Ha! Got it covered! We've hired the best metalworks company in the US to create three chastity belts for us. They'll be pink, of course. ;)
    But, my FIL looks like the dad on OCC, and my BIL even tougher. No boy in this state will have the balls to try to date my girls. IF there's one that does, he might have enough nuts to take care of her. ;)

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  22. First of all, I want to thank you for that image. Now it's an image I have to poke out of my mind's eye.

    Second of all, I can't imagine why that experience didn't make you want to bat for your own team, if you get my drift. Unless, at that age, you already were spanking the monkey to Playboy centerfolds.

    Thirdly, what the hell could cause a girl's tits to do that - one be normal and the other spring down like a sad slinky? I mean, gee, the only time that happened to me was when my underwire bra broke under one boob and I was walking around with one up and one down. I even asked all my friends if they could tell the difference!

    Fourthly, I sure hope that young girl got help and she isn't walking around with ape tits. Jesus, Mary and Joseph let's all pray for her now!

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  23. Ha!!!!
    Were we in the same band?!? I distinctly remember a flute player with very lopsided boobs, although the boys called her something like "The lone boob!" Curious . . . what instrument did you play?

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  24. Axe wound? AXE WOUND?

    Couldja please find a kinder, gentler euphemism for your favorite part of a woman's anatomy? One that doesn't evoke images of axe murderers and slasher movies?

    Pretty please? Puh-leeezz?

    Thanks for the PSA re: band trips. Duly noted. I was in orchestra. We were clearly not as, ahem, advanced or adventurous as the band geeks. Too hard to shove a string bass up anyone's hoo-hah without causing major damage ... same with the bow. Not going there, my friend. No way. No how.

    Btw, Big T: Gave you a lil' ol' shoutout on the blog yesterday ... FYI. And I plan to write one helluva TMI Thursday tonight when I get home (currently on my lunch break ... *sigh*)

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  25. I am so not getting the bonus points. But that was just hilarious! Love the drawing.

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  26. I'm totally calling bs on the hairy boob! You stole that from me and the bb chat harem yesterday. Errm....that didn't sound real good...- don't have hairy boobs I was joking about them...sigh...keep your damn story! I'm steppy away from the comment box. Gotta find some Nair

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  27. Um, if my daughter has hairy or loppy boobs, I'd never know about it. It's not like I make a habit out of inspecting them. She's 16, dude. MOST girls don't go around flashing their own mothers. She gets pissed enough if I tell her she's got a zit on her chin.

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  28. H&H: I want one of those chastity thingies for my new niece. That's real.

    Annie: I was a trumpet man. I was good, too. First chair and what not.

    Pat: 1: You're welcome. 2: Yes, I was. 3: Gravity and bad genes. 4: We can start a group on FB!

    DN: Gotcha. And geez, how did I miss you yesterday! I'm so sorry!

    Nancy: I should have gotten pictures.

    TBZ: I appreciate very much. I'm gonna pay Ed to do all my pictures from here on out.

    AJ: I'm just sayin. You need to look. It's about solving a problem in the nation. It's for the NATION.

    Daffy: Just let me see em. And all my content is original, thank you very much.

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  29. While I do love me some good art like this, I gotta say lookin' at a guy's junk for the first time is a little scary, too. That shit isn't very attractive! That being said, hopefully by now Loopy has gotten herself to a plastic surgeon.

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  30. you are too funny. you make me laugh a lot.

    a friend of mine did a demonstration of shoving a flute up the lady bits once. it involved my flute and a bunch of tissues to represent sensitive and fragile lady bits. the buttons man - the buttons screw it all up. some say extra sensation, i say effing OW.

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  31. I wasn't a band geek either, but I was in the school chorus. I posted about being selected to All State Chorus at UGA. Found an old high school football teammate who was on the UGA freshman squad and got drunk with him and his pals. I also have a TMI story about my bus trip, too.

    But you are the master...I bow to you sir, with my back facing the other way.

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  32. Okay, that was way too much information. But I couldn't stop myself from reading all the way to the end...I hate that about your power over me.

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  33. One happy boob and one sad boob. I wonder what made droopy one sad..

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  34. Gosh, I am surprised you wanted to take another look, I mean you weren't scarred for life? You quickly figured they were just abnormal, right, you know the politically correct way to say DUDS!

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  35. ... and this one time, at band camp... I overcame my weird body hangs ups and scarred a guy for life!!!! Awesome!!

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  36. I just keep thinking she may have scarred some poor hormonal boy for life...maybe after one of her complimentary flashes the poor boy thought all boobs look like that!

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  37. Band camp was AWESOME.......or so I hear.

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  38. Locking your girl children up will not make them stay pure. I knew girls like that growing up and THEY were the ones who taught me what the really perverse stuff was.

    Let them live their lives, drink a few too many Slippery Nipples, tongue kiss a homeless man and they will grow up to work in an office and write about it.

    What? I thought the TMI Thursday extended to everyone.

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  39. OMG! I'm NOT sure what is worse...the hairy boob or the droopy boob. Did the droopy boob have hair too??

    Thankful to say mine are still perky even after two kids...that might have to do with the fact I was never in band...

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  40. I must have attended the wrong school in Oklahoma and joined the wrong band, because nothing like that ever happened. So all the jokes about "band camp" I just giggled and walked on. Because I went to "band camp" when I was younger and nothing. NOTHING! Not that I really want to see floppy boobs. Or want to know my floppy boobs. It's just the point. :)

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  41. For the record, I was in band for 7 years, and DID go to Six Flags on my senior band trip. I almost typed Sex Flags. Ha. But for real, band trips were some of the best times I had in high school. According to your accounts, however, I feel like I missed out on a lot. lol.

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  42. *fondles evenly-placed breasts lovingly*...ahem...I knew what was coming when you said "Loppy", but that pic was EPICally horrifying...the hair is what did it. Yep, it was the hair.

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  43. Erin: I've started searching FB. We're gonna find out.

    Coffey: Your story was better, just because you actually got laid.

    Dom: *shudder*

    Corrie: Now if I could just get some of that over my wife...

    Wynn: Life? Gravity? Bad support?

    Lucy: I will never NOT look at a pair of boobs. Even scary ones.

    Tori: You gotta get right back up on the horse. It's been my experience that no two real boobs are the same.

    Quixotic: It would have made a very bad movie...

    Surferwife: I laughed my ass off at that, and told The Missus, who laughed too.

    TOS: I'm going to pay for your therapy.

    Princess: I'm glad I never went to a camp...

    Dawn: It was the hair. Easy. I can deal with pepperoni nipples and sad breasts, but not hair.

    Barbara: Shit, you're in Oklahoma?!?

    Lauren: Maybe it was just my school...

    Zan: I stopped reading at fondle. That's real.

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  44. yeah got to play with my first pair of boobs (there was no hair) in the band room office when I was 15. It was magical until the one kid busted in yelling "David's puking his guts out!!"

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  45. I was a band geek and I can assure you that none of the dorks on the short, er, band bus were worthy of my boobage.

    The football bus is a whole nother Oprah.

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  46. Maybe one of her boobs escaped from National Geographic.

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  47. Girls don't really have hairy boobs. That's just crazy talk!

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  48. *AHEM* i too may or may not have been in the band. and in the event i may have been in the band, i was most certainly at one point on the band bus of shock and awe.

    why was it that things got nutsy on those trips? we went to nowhere near the same schools. and i can put money on the fact that the band trips were all the same.

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  49. I love how you write :) epic story!

    Still cannot really imagine how hairy tits might look like but I am thankful that you only posted the cartoon and no photos.

    Take home message: only play truth or dare with girls your guys have already checked out (for hair).

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