Thursday, January 7, 2010

TMI Thursday: Yes, I HAVE Done That.

You might have noticed a new design here.

That's right, Jenna over at Bloggy Bog Designz did it up big. I can tell you two things about them.

1.) They do GREAT work, and they will hold your hand the whole way through.

2.) They take a LONG Christmas break.

The second thing is totally forgivable though, on account of the first thing.

Anyway, I think it's time for the main attraction. I know why you're all here. You're here for the TMI.

If you're new here, I just want to apologize up front for this. LiLu over at LivitLuvit does this little gig where you tell a really embarrassing story about yourself, and then link it up over on her site, where you will find a plethora of "wholly unclassy" stuff. If what I have to say doesn't make you twitch quite enough, I suggest you click the picture of the two old people down there who are having a lot more fun than you did last night.

TMI Thursday

The other day, I had some home-ec student made chili.

I honestly didn't think it would end like it did.

However, it did, and this is what happened.

I got the rumbles on the way home from work, and I chalked it up to stress on account of my brakes going out, and me trying to make it to the tag office before they closed so I could renew a 32 year old tag.

I made it home without any further incident, and I thought everything was okay. Little did I know, that chili had liqufied everything in my intestinal tract.

I think really it speaks wonders for the tightness of my ass.

Anyway, I sat down in my recliner, and didn't have anymore issues.

A couple hours later, I had to go tinkle.

As a guy, one of the great things about peeing is that it gives you an opportunity to fart. Some of my greatest squawks of the butt trumpet have come while I was shaking hands with the president. It's the best time to do it. You don't have to worry about the wife giving you beef, you don't have to restrain yourself, you can just let loose and let it fly.

As it turns out, those rules only apply when you haven't had home-ec chili.

You see where this is headed?

Yep.

Let me set the stage for you.

I'm in my bathroom. I have one hand firmly on the wall, one hand on Big T. The urge to pass a little gas hits me.

I turn it loose...

...and...

...I effin crapped myself.

That's right, ladies and gents, Travy G, the captain of cool, the sultan of sarcasm, the ambassador of alliteration, shit himself.

I'd like to tell you that it was just a little bit, and truth be told, it probably was. However, it didn't FEEL like a little bit. It felt like, well, it felt like someone had just dumped a bowl of chili down the back of my pants.

I almost cried.

Humiliation does not even BEGIN to describe the feeling I felt. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't incapacitated in anyway. I was of sound mind and able body, and I shit myself, WHILE STANDING AT THE TOILET.

The Missus knew immediately something was up for two reasons.

A.) I took a mid-afternoon shower.

B.) I started a load of laundry.

Have any of you had to tell your spouse that you just shit yourself?

She laughed at me. She tried not to, I'll give her that, but she did. Asked if I was alright, all while holding back the biggest smile I've seen out of her all year.

Home-ec chili.

It will make you shit yourself.

Also, how do you tell the young ladies at school that made if for you that it made you shit yourself? Hallmark doesn't make a card for that, and I can tell you how that conversation would go down.

"Hey Mr. Sloat, how did you like that chili we made you?"
"Well ladies, it made me shit myself somethin awful."
*crickets*
"I mean, it was delicious!"
"Oh Mr. Sloat, you're so funny!"

Yeah...

"I'm sorry bout the attitude I need to give when I'm with you, but no one else will take this shit from me." - Matchbox 20

That's right.

Two days in a row.

And this one went with the post, so suck it.

I'm totally kidding. I love you all.

56 comments:

  1. I think the phrase "Squawks of the Butt Trumpet" would be an excellent band name.
    I would also like to say that I feel sad for you.
    And I am sorry that you had such a moment of humiliation, however I am LAUGHING MY ASS OFF right now. Thanks for that. :)
    And this is exactly the reason I never took home ec. I like to keep my intestines inside my body.

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  2. I now have an entire new definition of shits and giggles... thanks for that.

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  3. Nice new duds.

    Can't say I've ever done this sober, but I have sharted a little.

    I know someone who has pooped themselves, though. In fact, more than once.

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  4. I can't believe The Missus held it together. I would have been rolling on the floor laughing at hubs. Matter of fact, I have rolled on the floor laughing at hubs, and my youngest. Not the middle one though, when it happened to him, totally unfunny and traumatic.

    The new duds is SNAZZY!

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  5. That's the best slogan for Chili Ever!

    "Home-Ec Chili...So good, you will shit yourself"

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  6. So is this why there is so much washing in my laundry? Boys who can't hold their poop in?

    PS...I used to sniff the clothes on the floor to see if they needed a wash...NOT ANYMORE

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  7. I don't think I've ever laughed at someone who had crapped himself before! This post was priceless! It reminds me of the time I took Home-Ec in Jr. High. The teacher forced us to cook Spam with onions. Then she wouldn't dismiss us for lunch because we had to actually eat our creations. I was ill for a week! Oh, and just so you know...I'm now following you. I felt it was about time since we seem to be running in the same circles.

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  8. Tears are ROLLING down my face I am laughing so hard. I always did love toilet humor!! LMAO

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  9. Oh, and I like the new look. Kudos to you and them.

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  10. I just might piss myself I'm trying not to laugh out loud.

    Sorry.

    Ahem...been there, done that. But I was at work when it happened.

    -Joshua

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  11. The kids want to know why I am laughing so hard and why I have tears running down my cheeks.

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  12. OH MY GOD! about a month ago my brother forced me to get a steak at texas roadhouse and as soon as we got home i ran to the bathroom and... my ass thought i was about 3 feet closer to the toilet than i actually was. i shit my pants for the first time in my adult life. also, while sitting on the toilet, i texted @frickineh to tell her. i couldn't wait. not because i was proud... but because i was too embarassed to tell my mom.

    i'm glad i am not the only grown up who has recently gone through this. i knew you could never let me down, travis.

    love the new layout btw.

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  13. I like the new look too. I might go over and visit the creative people and blogger dazzle and beg.

    Been there, done that on the shitting part!

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  14. My hubs shits himself so much that it just isn't funny anymore.

    However, we've been having a month long arguement that I have never shit myself outside of having the shits during the flu. He doesn't believe me.

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  15. Another shitty post.
    At least you did your own laundry!

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  16. Yea I gotta agree with Tank, I woulda been laughin so hard I woulda crapped myself, true story, then I woulda laughed even more cause well poopin yourself is just funny...

    The boyfriend farts when he pees and I make it a point to tell him I heard him, even if I didnt, cause it's fun

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  17. Tee-hee...tee-hee. Mmmmmmm Chili!

    Love the new look!

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  18. LMFAO Not TMI at all. but its so funny! My mom has a similar story but it happened while she slept. When she told my dad the next morning he didnt believe her. I think he still doesnt.

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  19. "She tried not to, I'll give her that..."

    She is kinder than I. There would have been outright guffawing, were it B...

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  20. I will not laugh at you travis *snort choke coff* ahem sorry minor head cold* coff coff ahh hell roflmbopimp... ok that was funny right there... OH man but at least ya did your own laundry I have to give you a cookie for that... oh wait not a cookie your losing wieght umma multigrain club cracker??

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  21. Thank goodness you were at home though! I mean ... this could have been an infinitely more grim (not to mention more humiliating) scenario.

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  22. Well - this was the right post for TMI. If you were brave enough to share it, well, we're happy enough to laugh our asses off at your expense. That was too funny!

    I would not have been so kind as your wife, I tell ya. First of all, I would have been rolling on the floor hysterical. Then I would have been calling my sisters on the phone and telling them what just happened. Yeah. I'm THAT nice.

    That was a GREAT post.

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  23. I bow to the master.

    You.Are.The.Man

    Butt Trumpet? Shaking hands with the president?

    Man oh man...your blog is what I live for! No wonder you were envious of my butt boulders!

    You didn't have a rockslide...yours was 100% genuine MUD SLIDE!

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  24. I like your new blog design. Nice! It suits you, of course--being a fisherman and all!

    Sorry you crapped yourself. At least it was at home and not at school. That would have been real embarassing.

    Thanks for the laugh! You are soo funnny!

    How's your NEW Year turning out thus far? :)

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  25. i love the new design! Great work. Home-Ec chili. Now in the book of what not to eat.

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  26. I literally choked on my coffee when I read the phrase "squawks of the butt trumpet". I think that the woman next to me thinks that I'm crazy...or drunk.

    While a very, VERY big part of me hopes that my husband never shits himself...the other part of me thinks that it might be the funniest damn thing ever to happen in the history of the world. That's a tough call...

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  27. Oh. My. I am laughing so hard that I am crying!

    How your wife held it together is beyong my comprehension. I would have been laughing my ass off and calling my friends to tell them about it. I love that is was the laundry and the shower that tipped her off...

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  28. What a story stealer.. Blog world, this happened to me 7 hours before it happend to Travis. I had no stomach issue with home-ec made chili, I just sneezed while i was peeing. Not only did a cluster bomb of urine spray all over my toilet, i sharted. Story stealer. I tell travis about it, 7 hours later, he has shit himself.

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  29. Oh Travis! *shakes head*...NEVER EAT HOME-EC Chili! no,no,no,no,no,no,no! Haven't you seen the other things those little bastards make! pancakes hard as rocks...cakes that fall apart....frosting that could double as kindergarten paste?!

    You poor thing!

    I say though, kudos to you though, for taking a shower...AND doing the laundry yourself, my ex husband loved me so much that one time he did something very similar and left it for ME! yes, yes, nothing says love like dirty underwear!

    *shudders at the thought*

    You're a good man charlie brown! shitty...but good.

    xoxo
    ~hl~
    {www.hoscorners.blogspot.com}

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  30. Since when do guys need an "opportunity" to fart?

    You definitely get the award for best analogies.

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  31. "Home-Ec Chili - It'll Make You Shit Yourself"

    I'm totally embroidering that on a pillow for you!

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  32. With everything you've blogged about eating...a little Home Ec Chili? I don't know why I think it is sad that Home Ec Chili brought the great Travis down....cough..snort...gawfah...

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  33. "How'd you like the chili we made you?"

    "It caused me to shit myself something silly, girls."

    I think that's the best--and only--means of responding.

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  34. It had to happen to you sooner or later....

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  35. HAHAHA I was really hoping you would tell the home-ec chili story.

    but more importantly-

    YOU CRAPPED YOUR PANTS!!!! I don't know why, but my universe feels more complete after reading this story!

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  36. I'm with LiLu about the kindness my wife would have probably had to be revived she laughed at me so much.

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  37. I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
    And you et an account on Twitter?

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  38. oh wow. I couldn't copy and paste this fast enough into an email to my husband.

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  39. ROTFLMAO!!! I can't stop laughing!!!! I shit myself three times after I gave birth because the pushing for 5 hours made me unable to control my neighbor on the back; I was weak. to make matters worse, they gave me stool softeners. =( Try trying to run to the bathroom with painful stiches all up your hoo ha, as your shitting on yourself. By the time I made it there, loose watery shit was running down my legs!! It was gross! I told hubby after the third time it happened. His reaction: "Sleep in the guest bedroom for this week please."

    This is one of the few times I hit him in the balls intentionally.

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  40. oh that cracks me up. love ya work and the new layout.

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  41. All I can say is next time your tummy feels funny you better SIT!!
    It's ok ...my manly husband does it all the time!!

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  42. Nice new design. Although, shouldn't the fisher be holding a cheeseburger, since you eat one every 30 minutes?

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  43. bhahaha - and ewwww...

    I would have laughed too...

    Also - it's now called "Family and Consumer Sciences" not "Home Ec"...

    and the new layout looks awesome...

    btw - I think FCS is bullshit so I call it Home Ec too...

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  44. And this is precisely why I generally avoid chilli... :)

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  45. Aw, don't feel bad. I've shit my pants before after a strong cup of coffee, just because I was too busy reading to get up and go to the toilet and I thought I could hold it.

    Hi, I'm Becky. First time commenter. Love the place.

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  46. Oh, no. I could see the handwriting on the wall. But it might also be because I saw your Tweet yesterday.

    I'm sure you can suggest Hallmark makes a card to say this.

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  47. I was gonna call you Mr. Fancy Pants on account of the new digs. And the rest of this writes itself.....,

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  48. wooh...like, just wooh...prolly the second hardest i have laughed all day...(not that this wasn't frip frappin funny, just an incident on the way home from the mall with a very tiny dark headed friend of mine) (an no, its not d-bag...) =]

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  49. Wow, love the new look. I just stole your button!

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  50. It's pathetic the motherly thoughts that cross my mind, everyone else cracks up and I think...
    1) what if those students actually put some "special" ingredients in the chili
    and
    2) his system is all messed up from that liquid diet he was trying, he really needs to take care of himself

    the teacher in me thought "what teacher in his right mind would eat something the students prepared"

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  51. looky here.. WHO'S POSTING ABOUT SHIT N@ after bitching on my bloggity about my shit puke stories.

    I THINK A 'TOUCHE' is in order.

    xoxoox
    supah

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  52. I don't know whether to laugh or feel bad for you...poor thing...

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  53. I vote for laughing!
    If this happened to me the hubs would make several long distance phone calls to announce it.

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