Friday, January 1, 2010

A Warning...

It's 2010, and I plan on starting the new year and the new decade by keepin it real.

I'll be honest. I've visited one blog in the last two days. I'm sorry about that.

For those of you that got pictures or texts or BlackBerry chat from me last night, I'm wicked sorry about that, too.

My diet starts today, and I think I'm the sorriest about that.

But anyway, I'm digressing.

I called your attention today to discuss an urgent matter.

I was watchin M*A*S*H this morning and being too drunk to sleep, when my wife's friend shows up and drops her kid off. Turns out the whole thing was scheduled, but what wasn't scheduled was The Missus being in the lavatory when this happend. The lady was late for work I guess, so she went ahead and left, which cause the boy to start bawling uncontrollably and leaning against my glass screen door.

What did I do?

I yelled for The Missus, and settled back down into watching M*A*S*H.

I'm nothing if not a a gracious host.

Anyway, The Missus came back in, took the remote from me, and switched it to Sesame Street.

What the hell?

This is MY house! I was watching M*A*S*H!

Any4077, I start watchin Sesame Street because I was too drunk and lazy to move.

Out of the blue, this douchecanoe shows up.



The guy in the middle. With the number 4 on his chest.

This bastard shows up, and he starts pretty much shuttin The Street down because they don't have things in the quantity of four!

I was so pissed.

He threatened to shut down the laundrymat where that poor Mexican lady in the picture was trying to do laundry because the laundrymat didn't have four washers and four dryers. How lame is that? That lady wanted to smell fresh. That's all. She couldn't help that it was a slightly ghetto laundrymat. They can't all be winners on The Street, right?

Then he made that poor son of bitch Grover or whoever the red hairy guy that isn't Elmo is eat like 6 sammiches because they had 10 sammiches, and that wasn't 4. The dude had to eat them QUICK too, otherwise the douche was going to shut down the sammich shop! Poor shop owner didn't even understand, either. Wound up running out of peanut butter, and I'm pretty sure the red hairy guy would up having a wicked case of the indegestion on account of eating 6 PB&J sammiches in 13 seconds. That's a blood sugar spike AND PB cloggin up your works.

Then, he pushed me too far. He tried to shut down the letter R because they didn't have enough things that started with R. WTF? Where does this sumbitch get off? Shuttin down a letter? Bastard kept stampin everything with big number 4's, like he was all high and mighty and shit. Who even likes the number 4? The only time the number 4 is cool is when a lady says, "I'm about to give you four blow j's." That's it.

The following is a conversation that took place with Jeff over at This Is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long during the actual duration of the skit or sketch or whatever the hell they called this thing.

Me: They got a number 4 inspector on this show. He's a son of a bitch. Just shuttin people down. Guy had 10 sammiches, and since it wasn't 4, he's shuttin down the place. He made Elmo eat like 6 sammiches. Just to get it down to 4.
Jeff: What a dick.
Me: Now he's inspecting the letter R! How the fuck can he even do that legally?!
Jeff: He's out of his jurisdiction there.
Me: He's shuttin down the letter R. Right now, Jeff. Right now. Wait. They just tried to bribe him. I think it's gonna work. Dude, I'm blogging about this shit.
Jeff: Do it now.
Me: They just threw a rock at him! Holy shit, man. They're givin him R word objects. They totally outsmarted him, and then he got promoted to inspector number 5.

So yeah, that's been my New Years morning.

Someone go get me a Slim Fast and a thing of yogurt.

I love you guys, and thanks for sticking with me even when I'm not givin you the comment love you so richly deserve.

I miss you guys.

I miss your smell.

I miss your musk...

When this is all over, I think we should get an apartment together.

I'm gonna sit the next couple of plays out.

26 comments:

  1. You were smiling mighty big last night TravyG.
    Happy New Year and cheers to 2010!

    Would you care for a bloody mary?

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  2. LOL!
    You know, I learned English watching Sesame Street.

    Slim Fast are good. I drank those, but was always hungry afterwards, so I stopped.

    I started drinking the can milk shakes with a sandwich and that always helped curve the hunger.

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  3. Wow, Sesame Street and blow j's all in the same post! Dude, you crack me up.

    Slim Fast shakes are gross. Try the meal bars.

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  4. Wow, I didn't know Sesame Street was so hard core and it's totally promoting obesity. What a bastard show!

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  5. Well, well, well. I think this may be the first whole post of yours that I have ever read and you have officially swept me off my feet.

    The other red guy who isn't Elmo is Telly. Grover is the skinny blue guy.

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  6. Found you through Holly because your post cracked her up...and I am laughing over here as well. So, it is nice to meet you. happy new year.

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  7. I think you are still sauced

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  8. I'm with Chief. I think you are still sauced. Or you haven't grown up to be so emotionally invested in Sesame Street.

    But I love that about you getting all emotional about losing followers, hanging out with soap bars and getting upset with Inspector #4.

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  9. No. 4 came straight from the Obama administration. The laundry mat and the sandwich shop was making way too much profit with what they had. And he had to eat the sandwiches fast or be fined my the government. They teach Socialism young, don’t they?

    Now if you bipartisanship from the Dem’s and GOP, lets bar-b-q Barney.

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  10. I woke up on a deflated air mattress wrapped in my friend's baby blanket.

    2010 is going to be awesome.

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  11. Since you're on a mostly liquid diet....beer and alcohol are obviously on the approved list. Right?

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  12. I just want to say THANK YOU TravyG, you kept your clothes on last night when you were sending us photos via Crackberry!

    The progression from buzzed to Schnockered was completely fantastic!
    Happy New Year!

    And Sesame Street was way way cooler in the 70s. Yeah!

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  13. I miss you too! I don't think I've read 5 blogs since the week before Christmas.

    Eeeh, just have another slice of pie and blame it on the holidays.

    Oh...your diet starts today?

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  14. I think its so funny when you text and drink...I'm with Zgirl..thanks a million for keeping your clothes on.

    I've never been so drunk I couldn't sleep. That would suck some major ass!!!

    Hope you're doing better now.

    How was the SlimFast?

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  15. Ewww, slim fast after drinking?

    No way, you need bacon and eggs STAT! Start the diet tomorrow. Ugh, that reminds me, been suckered into a fitness challenge by Think Tank and Dual Mom.
    Kill. Me. Now.

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  16. Number 4 is my favorite number.

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  17. Slim Fast gives me the shits. Good luck!

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  18. Things should not roll like that on The Street. Hells. No.

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  19. who the hell is inspector 4? i grew up watching sesame street and i don't remember that asshat.

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  20. You have completely cracked me up!

    Start spiking the slim fast!

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  21. Everybody knows that 8 is the magic number, not 4.

    Were you still drunk when you wrote this, because dude? WTF?

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  22. Your treading thin ice here for me Travy...I LOVE LOVE LOVE Sesame Street. I have a shirt that says "I was raised on the street". I told my mom the other day, if I could do it over again, I decided the job for me would be to work on the street--SESAME that is. I think it's brilliant. I could get all historical on you about its design, but I know you don't really care. Oh, and the lady in the picture is Indian I believe. And Telly is the pinkish nervous monster guy. Umm...yeah, and four is one my fav's too. Actually haven't seen that episode, but glad you did. Everyone needs a little Sesame in their diet.

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  23. holy crap, i haven't seen Sesame Street in years and it sounds like I don't want to either. Way too funny, travis!

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  24. i feel drunk after reading this... and also feel like the street is being taken over by Commies. what the fuck?

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  25. I can't stand the ready made shakes. Add the powder to fat free ice cream with some skim milk and make a milkshake. (You can put a spoon full of peanut butter in if you want to get fancy.)

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