Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Final Proof That Michael Phelps Cheated In The Olympics...

I sat down to watch the Olympics last night, and Michael Phelps was doing an interview about how truly awesome his awesomeness truly is.

Sometime during the interview, I started asking myself some questions. Just wondering if he was really who he says he is...

Then a Subway commercial came on, and that sealed it. In the commercial, he swam through a corn field, some pavement, and concrete. That's when I knew.

Michael Phelps has been cheating in the Olympics.

No, it's not drugs. It's not doping. It's not some super human adrenaline based ball shrinking steroid. It's not even the fact that he listens to puppies being murdered on his iPod before every race.

It's this photo I dug up after the interview.

Michael Phelps is Aquaman. 

Oh, believe me. I gasped in astonishment too. 

How come we didn't see this sooner? 

Because the cheating bastard grows a beard the second he gets out of the water. It's like Clark Kent's glasses. Who knew? 

Some of you may be having trouble believing this, so I'm going to quote some facts. 

1.) Aquaman's name is Arthur Curry. If you make an anagram out of that, you wind up with arc hurry rut. You know what, I honestly forgot where I was going with this. 

2.) Look at the body types. Nuff said. 

3.) I'm pretty sure I saw people misting him down during the interview. Matter of fact, the boy always looks wet. This ties in with Aquaman's inability to be out of water for more than an hour. I say someone needs to trap him in a building somewhere. If he starts getting twitchy at 45 minutes, we'll know the truth. Just don't actually KEEP him from getting water. Have you ever seen a pissed off blue whale? It wouldn't be worth it. 

4.) Look at the picture. He's clearly talking to a fish. Aquaman talks to fish. 

5.) Aquaman fought the Nazis. Michael Phelps is Jewish. 

6.) Phelps swam through CONCRETE. Have you ever tried that? Try it. Right now. I'll wait. Back? Yeah, I bet you're pretty skinned up, too. Aquaman could swim through concrete with a swimming start. Thank you Subway for the clincher.

So there you have it, folks. Final, stone cold proof that Michael Phelps is Aquaman.*

As a superhero, I really don't think he should be allowed in the Olympics, and here's why: First off, if you let one join, everyone is going to want to join. The next thing you know, we're having to send men up into space to verify that Superman DID in fact land on Pluto in the long jump, and that shit takes time. I mean, you're looking at the 2012 Olympics lasting about 65 years. And that's no good. Second, you'd have a mass uproar about why these douchebags haven't actually been helping anyone out, finding Osama Bin Laden, stopping terrorism, etc. And lastly, I'm pretty sure Usain Bolt is the Flash. Proof there? Ummm...his last name is BOLT. Also, he won the hundred yard dash with his arms out like wind sails, turning around and telling everyone at the starting line to not even take off. So yeah. It makes other athletes feel bad. And we don't want anyone feeling bad at the Olympics. Hell, that's why we have curling...

...The Canadians have to have SOMETHING to win...

*All information used in the above post may or may not be completely false, except that he listens to puppies being murdered, therefore I base this claim on absolutely nothing.  


  1. Your commentary is WAY better than the commercial. Very funny!

  2. "Aquaman fought the Nazis. Michael Phelps is Jewish"

    Well of course! That's was sealed it for me....

    that and the puppies!

    WTF is curling? Really? Even my mother (dear sweet June Cleaver) thinks that curling is retarded. I believe she used that word along with 'gag a maggot'..... or maybe she said it with an F. But then agian, probably not. I've never heard my mother say faggot before.

  3. I'll agree that Phelps is Aquaman, but you best be leaving my curling alone bitches. It's like it said in an article last week:

    "Without patriotic fervor and feel-good stories, the Winter Olympics are just a series of options for going down a mountain."

    And that's why I watch curling.

  4. I'd like to think Wolverine would bring a whole new meaning to "shredding the half pipe".

    Go ahead and groan but that won't stop you from loving me.

  5. Well, I knew that all my questions in life could be answered just by reading your blog. Now I am convinced.

  6. You suffered severe head trauma as a small child didn't you? That would explain how your brains got all jumbled up. Not that there is anything wrong with your thought process per se, it's just that it's possible some of that jello matter might have jiggled a little too much and you have some residual shaken baby syndrome left over.

    Wait...do you smoke weed? That would explain shit too!

  7. OK...so Aquaman and Flash have been named. There's that weird French dude who climbs buildings like Spiderrman.

    But who is Wonder Woman?

  8. I'm with B. Maybe lead paint chips.

    Very good argument for your case though, dear.

  9. Was there really ANY DOUBT that Phelps was Aquaman? Doesn't he have like winged toes or something, too? And a wingspan of like, I don't know, something unhuman. I think if you look close enough, you'd find that he has gills!

    To answer Cara Smith's question, "Who is Wonder Woman?" Why I AM, darling. I walk around with a metal pointy bra on, metal cuffs, dodging bullets all day. I am woman, hear me ROAR!

  10. Oh, my God! I could never understand why Bolt was able to run the end of his race with his arms out and without even breathing hard and still kick the shit out of, like, everone on the planet! It makes perfect sense...

  11. Another great post Travis!

    and seriously, what's with that curling...it's like ice shuffleboard with brooms....and frantic girl arms...

    never seen anything like it!


  12. Travis,

    You make me smile everytime you post...LOL. Although, I must say, I've thought Michael Phelps was a superhero anyway...hopefully he doesn't end up like other celebrities...yikes!

    Just think, someday, he might be at the end of your hook...

  13. Dude, what have you been smokin' this morning???

  14. For the record, I have had no drugs this morning, nor have I ever done drugs!


    Acid isn't a drug, right?

  15. great detective work there buddy....if you disappear we will all know you have become a Man in Black

  16. Michael Phelps is Jewish? Explains the small balls...just sayin

  17. I just about effing died at the fact that he listens to puppies being murdered on his iPod! :)

  18. LMAO!!

    Oh my goodness at the puppies on his iPod!!

  19. Your post is hilarious. You might want to check Phelps' religious affiliation. I don't think he's Jewish.

  20. OMG!!! I like to eat fish...recon I'm Aquaman and didn't know it?

  21. Just like Aquaman, Phelps gets lots of the pink salmon.

  22. I have to disagree with you on the body type.

    Look at Aquaman.

    Look at Phelps.

    What's he weigh, like, 12 pounds?

    I'm pretty sure that Phelps has to move around in the shower to get wet.

  23. I totally love the fact that I have heard your voice. You don't know what that does to this commentary as I read it in my head. That much funnier, dude.

    I think if Superheroes were in the Olympics, I'd be more likely to actually give a crap and watch it.

  24. Travie - did you get some of the good shit in New York? It sounds like you are on the good stuff, man!

  25. BAHAHAHA!!! It all makes sense now...

  26. Ummm....I'm looking for Speaking of Witch's guest post...is it not today? Is today Wednesday?

    Are you okay?

    You out practicing your curling skills?

  27. I'm with Brandee---are you smokin' the weed? The doobage or whatever? And will you share?

  28. okay, I'm very confused. Or possibly an idiot.

    Where is Big Sis's guest post?

    I sure feel like a moron.

  29. I know I'm gonna catch a lot of hell for it, but I'm not a Michael Phelps fan. I am, however, a total fan of curling. That was the most awesome game I've ever been too. And for the record, the Canadians kicked ASS the game I saw! :D

  30. Oh, I definitely needed some humor to help me through these Olympics. Hilarious. I'll never look at Phelps the same again.

  31. I love the idea of Superman leaping to Pluto and having to verify this...funny.

  32. The fact that many millions of Americans have used pot has not translated into real political pressure on the people who can change the laws. One of the problems inhibiting legalization is that people who smoke a glass pipe are not considered serious or mature. It is this stigma that scares many pot users to hide that they utilize the drug. It is up to us to be public about our choices and to make sure our voices are heard by the ones that ultimately decide what the rules are.


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