Monday, February 22, 2010

Memoir Monday: The First Time I Said The "F" Word.

(Hey guys and gals. It's Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I need you to join this week! Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y'all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the brand new button!!)




I've always been an incredible speller. 

Well, except for spelling "throw." And "tetanus."

This is the story of how that all got started. I was in the first grade, still pretty green around the edges and that jazz. I led a very sheltered home life, and profanity was not something I was familiar with at all. 

My first grade teacher was Mrs. Pirkle. She was meaner than a cobra in a briar patch and about 6 months older than Moses.

It was Christmas time. Being in first grade, I was still extremely impressionable. I had heard a song during this holiday of Jesus, one that went..."Jingle bells, Batman smells, granny had a gun..." Yeah. The one that goes on to say the "N" word. 

So I came home one night and performed this rousing parody for my parents at the dinner table. My father laughed, and my mother almost blew her top. This caused my father to stop laughing and to threaten me with my life the next time this situation arose. 

Enter the day of the Christmas party. My mother made a delicacy back in those days known as Pecan Tassies. These things were amazing. They were ambrosia. They were LEGIT, son. I was trying to get her to bring some of those magical morsels of pecan-y goodness in to the party. And she was telling me in no uncertain terms that there was no way that was going to happen. 

It was a rowdy day at school as the excitement for the party and presents built. There were lots of threats thrown out by Mrs. Pirkle to "cancel the whole thing if y'all don't SHUT UP!" At one point, she left the room to go to the office, and this is when my world came crashing down. 

In the front of the room, a young man named Justin stood up and spelled out a word. "F-U-C-K." After he was done, he sat back down. I was a smart kid. I was an ambitious kid. I knew how to spell and I knew how to sound out words. If you needed something sounded out, I was your guy. Hell, I still am. So I did it. I stood up very quietly, cleared my throat and said...

"That spells fuck!"

Some of the BIGGEST potty mouths I graduated with looked at me on that day and gasped as if I'd just committed murder. It was the biggest frame-up I've ever experienced. Even Justin turned on me. Some little shit RAN next door to tell the other first grade teacher on me. I was in SO much trouble. The other teacher came back, stories were told, and I'm pretty sure at one point I was accused of rape. 

I was sent out into the hallway while my mother was contacted. I waited. And waited. And eventually the teacher came back and said that they couldn't reach my mother at home, so I was just going to have to miss the party and the present exchange. I was RELIEVED. I damn near pissed myself in relief standing there on the wall. MY MOTHER DIDN'T KNOW!!! It was the best moment of my first grade life. I wasn't in trouble just yet! Hooray!

As I stood against the wall counting my blessings, I felt the draft created by the front doors of the school opening up. As I turned my head to look, I FELT the presence much before I actually saw her. My mother. My dear, sweet mother carrying an armful of pecan tassies and smiling the smile of a mother who has tricked her son and is about to surprise him and make him a hero. Then she saw me on the wall. 

The bladder loosening feeling returned, but this time it was in fear. Pure, unadulterated fear in it's rawest state. The second she saw me standing against the wall, I knew my life was over. I started trembling and crying and carrying on so bad that 3 different teachers came out to check on me, which I'm sure made my mom even MORE mad, because I was drawing attention. 

The story was shared by the teacher, and I was immediately escorted from the school, and beaten beyond belief by my dear, sweet, pecan tassie surprising mother. Which, by the way, I didn't get to taste a single one of. My father came home, and if I was expecting more laughter, I was WAY wrong. I was beat again, and sent off to bed. 

And that's how I learned that saying fuck in the first grade will get you in ALL KINDS of trouble.



Other Non-Profanity Laced Walks Down The Hall Of Memory Lane: (GO READ THEM)  

30 comments:

  1. LMAO!!!!

    Forget the party!! As long as Mom doesn't find out!!!

    XD

    Great Memoir!!

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  2. The first time I said it I was singing some song (don't remember what it was--but some line about "plucking a feather from his cap") and starting all the words in said song with the letter "f." Some dope at school had suggested I do it. I was clueless. Sang it for my parents, and inevitably the "fuck" came out (instead of "plucked"). I was yelled at, sent to my room w/o dinner, etc...and I didn't even understand what I'd done wrong!

    p.s. working on my Memoir Monday post, almost ready

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  3. You're not the only one with that kind of story, Travis. Sad to say, I'm in the club. Multiple times.

    I jumped in again: http://techparent42.blogspot.com/2010/02/piercings.html

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  4. Your mom came up to school to surprise you and you surprise her instead!

    It made me think of the scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie says the bad word and the next thing you see is him standing in the bathroom with a bar of soap in his mouth!

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  5. the first time I said "fuck" TO my mom...she threw a potting plant at my head...I ducked, it shattered with great force against the wall behind me. Needless to say, I know how you feel about your momma....momma's don't mess around...especially when they come to the rescue, only to be greeted by fuck! ;)

    you're a piece of work T. lol

    ~hl~

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  6. The N-word? I knew Oklahoma was rife with protestants, but I didn't think "nun" would get you in THAT much trouble.

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  7. I can't remember the first time I said fuck. I know it was early on. And one time I remember saying it, though it wasn't the first, I spit at my uncle and yelled a big "FUCK OFF" and ended up with my mouth suckled around a bar of soap. It was awful. He then told me the next time I visited that if I wanted to talk like filth that he'd sell me on the street corner. I was very very good after that. At his house anyway....

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  8. I didn't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for your scared little butt! Too funny.

    I joined in this week:
    http://twonormalmoms.blogspot.com/2010/02/memoir-monday.html

    ***Ally

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  9. One of the many ways in which we are different. My little baby sister used to cuss like a sailor after hearing her father do it.

    It made me cry. And when asked about it by my mother, I nearly got beaten for REFUSING to say the offensive word.

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  10. It made me think of A Christmas Story too. And, the next time my son tells me he got tricked into saying/doing something I'll consider believing him.

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  11. we stopped by and...

    btw we took stuff....http://sexnfries.blogspot.com

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  12. Awesome. I wrote about my F-word hi-jinks the other day, also.

    http://www.pleasantlydemented.com/2010/02/losing-my-f-word-virginity.html

    Can't wait to play Memoir Monday!

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  13. I'm working on mine! :) Great story!

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  14. Yes, sometimes we can learn too much in school and get into trouble for learning too well.

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  15. You poor guy! I have a similar story where I told my grandmother to FUCK OFF! when I was about 6. She was very upset but told me she wouldn't tell my parents I said such an awful thing. I felt so bad about it I went and told on MYSELF. Oh my god. What a douche I was!

    I think kids like saying that word! Funny story!

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  16. Your poor mother.

    My daughter wouldn't say fuck in front of me on a bet. And as long as she's not saying it ABOUT me, I don't really care. However, she has no problem saying blumpkin. What gives?

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  17. Finished! This is my first time doing one of these blog Meme thingies, so I hope I did it right. I'm trying to get more social in the "blog world!"

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  18. You get in trouble for Fuck I got in trouble for Jackass....we'd make a good literary team with our extensive vocabularies.

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  19. "My first grade teacher was Mrs. Pirkle. She was meaner than a cobra in a briar patch and about 6 months older than Moses."

    So, loved this! And I about died of laughter by the end.

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  20. I think that your first grade teacher was also my high school Latin teacher. I don't know how many other mean, ridiculously old ladies there can be out there...

    I've got a Memoir for you this week!

    http://kate-growthspurt.blogspot.com/2010/02/memoir-monday-why-is-it-that-worlds.html

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  21. Classic. Gotta love those stories I can't remember the first time I said.. it seems to common a word to me now.. shame

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  22. You poor baby! Man, your class was a bit more advanced than mine. I couldn't spell "fuck" until I was in about the 3rd grade. Did you go to private school? ;-)

    Okay, I'm in this week. Better late than never, I guess.

    http://sarcasm4free.blogspot.com/2010/02/memoir-monday-our-wedding.html

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  23. See I think it was wrong they did ya that way Travis. You only6 read what the other kid wrote and had no clue it was a bad word... lesson learned the hard way..

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  24. I don't think I'm ever been brave enough or stupid enough to get caught saying that by my mom. Even now that I'm 35.

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  25. That was GOLD!

    * confession * My two year old was in the back seat of the car and I had to swerve to miss some douche bag driver.

    "Oh for fucks sake!" could be heard from the back seat.

    So proud.

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  26. Oh I am stealing this idea for a blog post. I can remember it like it was yesterday...

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  27. Poor Travis. I can't believe you got in so much trouble and you didn't even know it was bad.

    Like I couldn't get mad when my kiddos said it. They HEARD it from my potty mouth.

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  28. LMF******AO! And you've been spelling it right ever since!

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  29. Walked into the bathroom with my kids brushing their teeth:

    Daughter: "CAM JUST SAID THE 'F' WORD!"

    * deer caught in headlights

    The she spells:

    F-r-e-a-k-i-n-g

    OH.

    Me: "Jesus, Cam. That's okay. I thought you said 'fuck.'"

    Parenting FAIL.

    Typical.

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  30. Poor little Travis. At least you didn't have to write, "I will not say FUCK again" on the blackboard 100 times!

    This was hysterical! You just played right into that little shit's hands!

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