Monday, February 1, 2010

Memoir Monday: Yesterday.

(Hey guys and gals. It's Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I need you to join this week! Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y'all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the book!)


Before we get started, I just want to say that next week we'll be debuting a NEW BUTTON! I'm so excited! Tamara over at Cheapskate Mom made me one up real nice! 

Also, I really want to do a PICTURE MEMOIR MONDAY next week. It can be one picture, or two, or whatever. I just want it to tell a story. Matter of fact, you can tell a story WITH the picture, telling us what it's about, or you can just post a picture. I have to prove to some people that I was skinny in the 7th grade, and I intend on doing that. 

So there you have it. NEXT WEEK IS PICTURE MEMOIR MONDAY! Let's get 50 people involved in it!

Ladies and gents, I'll be honest. Every once in a while, I have a great deal of trouble pulling a memory out of this fat head of mine, dusting it off, and picking up the remains to type in some sort of legible form for y'alls enjoyment. 

This week, however, proved to be an exception. 

Yesterday was the beginning of the week. 

I already want it to be over. 

You see, my mom got me out of bed at 8 to help her move. She's moving from a house that is pretty sizable, into a house that, while very nice, is about a third as big as the one she was in. 

We received the information, "I'm packed and ready to go."

I've gotten you some pictures:

This is packed picture number 1:

Number 2:

Here is what fell out of the couch as we were carrying through the doorway:

That's a pencil, a butter knife, 3 cough drops and a plastic wrapper. McGuyver could turn that shit into a moving truck. That's real. 

And, for your viewing pleasure, this is The Youngest. 

He is hard at work here, looking sexy for you ladies. Appreciate that. 

I guess this would be Part 2. 

You see, after I did all that moving business, I had to go to work. 

5-10 shift, easy and slow.

Just like your mom.  OH SNAP!

Or so I thought. 

You see, my MANAGER was supposed to open the store at noon. I guess he decided that he didn't want to do that, being the manager and all. He thought that I was supposed to open, and he was wrong. So the store didn't get open till 3, and even then, he MADE ANOTHER EMPLOYEE OPEN instead of coming up there and doing it himself. 

Yeah. He's a douchefuck. 

So he calls me, and wants me to go in earlier than 5, since he has forced someone to go up there that wasn't supposed to. I say sure. 

I showed up at 5. 

Fuck my manager. That's real. 

When I get there, there is a line beginning to form at the poor sumbitch he's got in there's register. I had to go to the back to count the drawers, so I grab a key and get to it. 

When I come back up front, the line is a bit longer, and the guy runnin the register is having some troubles. The customer he was helping was very patient and understanding, but such was not true for the rest of the customers, who were duly upset because the place of business that they usually frequent WASN'T FUCKING OPEN ON TIME. I had to step over and help the guy with the transaction, and shit started getting real. 

The friction. It was palpable. 

Anytension, finally someone broke. This guy, who from henceforth be known as The Bastard, spoke up and said, "Y'all need to hurry the hell up." 

I said, "Sir, we're working as fast as we can."
TB: "Yeah? Well, you need to check me the hell out."
Me: "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you not to cuss in front of the customers."
TB: "Whatever. Just hurry the hell up."
Me: "Okay sir, please leave the store."
TB: "Yeah? You fatass. You're so damn slow, you fatass."
Me: "How clever, sir. You made fun of the first thing you noticed about me."

It was quiet for a second, and the line ERUPTED into laughter. The Bastard was quite literally LAUGHED out of the store. On his way out, and I shit you not, he THREW his movies at me. THREW. THE. MOVIES. 

I ninja dodged that shit, and almost said, "Who's slow now, bitch?"

I didn't, because I think that would have crossed the line he did, and that's not classy. 

Was it over?


Here's Part 3. 

At almost closing time, a middle aged Asian man walked up to the counter and asked me my thoughts on the movie Paranormal Activity. I haven't seen it, because I don't like scary movies, because I like to sleep at night. However, I told him I'd heard a lot of mixed reviews. He then said this:

"Well, my wife wanted it. I'll give her shizzle about it if it's bad."

I'm going to give you a second to let that sink in...and while you're waiting, here's a picture of what the guy looked like. 

It is at this point that I would just like to say:

Congratulations, Snoop. You win. You got the Asians. You had some competition with those Hello Kitty backpacks, but you win. 

Yo bizzles. Fo rizzles, I'm out fo shizzle. Y'all keep it rizzle.  

Other Non-Moving Truck Drives Down Memory Lane: (GO READ THEM!)


  1. Uh, that was me what deleted the comment. I asked how to link up, then I read the instructions which said to tell you and you would link me. If you link me, I mean, we wouldn't have to wear chains or something would we.

    I already did next week's. There is a picture in it, so that might just have to do, unless I decide to show how skinny I was for many years. If that's going to be the theme, I mean. I can probably out skinny you. I was still somewhat skinny until I quit drinking and I was older than you are now so it's really no contest. Maybe I'll just stick with what I have and let you take the glory for being a skinny kid.
    No hard feelings, right.

  2. It's a long one. That's what she said.

    That Asian guy is funny. Fo reals.

  3. Soooo, it was a day made in hell. Well, you earned some points in heaven for helping your mom move, even though she wasn't REALLY ready! Those photos were hysterical!

    So you dodged the movies like Bush and the shoes? Whew! Thank Bush!

    I was called a fat ass once at work by a disgruntled (bitch) customer. Only I didn't make a joke out of it. She scared the shit out of me. I was afraid that she'd be waiting for me in the parking lot to beat the shit out of me. I am a wimp!

    You are one funny guy!

  4. I am cracking up at the shizzles...sounds like a stomach flu.

  5. Dude, what's up with all the shiz that fell out of yo mamma's couch? There ain't no little kids at home to blame it on. Just sayin'.

    The Bastard? Douchecanoe. Not classy.

    The shizzle? That's some funny stuff right there.

  6. LOL! I'll come back and comment on this. Doctor's appt.

    my url

  7. Does The Bastard not realize that being a rude fuck is not the way to get people moving? What a loser. You should have let it hit you and called the po-po on him for assault.

  8. It must be Asian day on the blogsphere. Wish I'd gotten the memo. But then again, I don't have any stories to tell anyway.

    I agree with Peterson Family. Should have let the movies hit you and called the cops.

    But you are way too classy for that.

  9. LMAO re: the shizzle that fell out of your ma's couch. I can only guess what may be living in ours. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    I just might do a memoir of my own in a bit....will keep you posted!

  10. Add me to the list! I've got one today:

    If you want to feel better about crappy jobs, read the post I did last week about working for an airline. IT. WAS. HORRIBLE.

  11. This is a great post T.
    You are a very classy guy and always so witty.

    That wrap was sounding good... where is that rap video big guy?

  12. That is exactly why Video Store Clerk is on my list of dream jobs.

    You lucky bastard.

  13. I must have a bad temper.... cause I would have jumped the counter and crammed those movies up his ass! *smile*

  14. That's all that fell out of the couch???

    When we bought a new one in Nov and moved the other out we had shirts, monster trucks (I have a 4 yr old boy), candy, pens, important papers, rice, dog treats, and a few other things come out of it.

  15. A douchefuck, huh? That sounds rather painful.

  16. Butter knife my ass....looks more like a shank...really...what kinda peeps yo momma keep up in her crib?!

    I give you all the props in the world for being such a classy guy in dealing with that fucktard. Oops..can I say that here?

    LOVE the idea of a pictoral Memoir Monday. Gonna have to think real hard on this one.....

  17. It will have to be a recent picture for me because I'm too cheap for a scanner...

    I love that everybody laughed him out of the store.

    When you told me the story about the Asian guy, I kept thinking of the Asian guy from "The Hangover."

    Link me up, young man.

  18. LOL!!! I can only imagine what's in our couch! I'm too afraid to look. I worked in retail for two years. *shudder* I have so many memories from that! Thaks for the reminder! I got lots of material on that stuff.

  19. LoL! That bastard got laughed out of the store. Good. He's such an ass. Hope you're having a good day. Working on my Memoir Monday in a few. :)

  20. and a ninja ?!
    god was too kind to you

  21. Is douchefuck the new douchecanoe? Damn. I missed that memo.

  22. OH man! I love the moving pictures! Looks like my son's stuff! LOL I have something for you over at my site. Come and get it!

  23. Of all the blogs I read in a day, you, sir, are my absolute favorite. My 5 year old just asked me what I was laughing about! I love your stuff and may just even conjure up my own Memoir for Monday. Doubt I can top yours, though... You rock!

  24. I just posted my Memoir. Better late than never? (TWSS)

  25. Okay, my memoir is up! It's my first time so please be gentle.

  26. Travis - you have filled the void in my week

  27. OMG>...I am rolling on the floor at YOU (of all people) asking the dude to not cuss!!! Being the classy blogger you are and all....

    Your stories NEVER disappoint! Fo shizzle. (Cuz Snoop has all the southern belles wrapped up too.)

  28. gosh I don't got shizzle to add to the comments; just LOL. Way to think on your feet with your comeback.

  29. Oh man, don't you just LOVE dealing with idiotic customers? I have had some people call me names too, when they didn't get what they wanted. My typical response was always to say something like "God bless you too, honey" and make them feel bad about being a jerkoff. The next job I get better not involve PEOPLE, for their sake, not mine, cuz I'm old and grumpy now.


The price for my stories is your conversation.