Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Myspace/Facebook Fight Explodes Into All Out War.

by Travis Sloat
Senior Staff Writer, Blogger Gazette

It was a terrible scene in downtown Internet tonight as the Myspace/Facebook war came to a head in a brutal fashion. "It was awful," one eyewitness reports. "One of the apps actually flew right by my face, I think it was Farkle." 

Super Farkle, who survived because of it's superness, was quoted as saying, "I loved my little brother. He was great to kill time with, and now he's been killed by those bastards. I have to go tell Momma Farkle that her baby's been shot."

Super Awesomest Most Awesome Crazy Awesome Bubble Awesome Blaster also survived, but not without a serious injury to its awesomeness. "I feel like I've lost a part of myself," it blooped sadly.

There were heavy casualties on both sides, but it appears Facebook has emerged the winner, due to it's all around not being as lame-ness. "It really came down to the Mafia Wars app," said Facebook. "Ours just had more experience. We think a lot of that has to do with the fact that our Mafia Wars players, while still being retarded, are a lot older than the 10 year olds that use Mafia Wars on Myspace. This gave us a tactical edge, because we weren't getting grounded from it, and we were able to continue attacking after bedtime." 

Bystanders say that the Farmville app did absolutely nothing for Facebook, and it just seemed to "lie there." A lot of "creepers" from both sides were able to use the corn field as a place to hide while they commented on pictures. One person said, "There was always a sneaking suspicion that Farmville was the most useless app in Facebook, and tonight proved it. Multiple crops were destroyed, and the app is in ruins." Users of the app say that they'll be back up and annoying you with "black mystery eggs" in no time at all.

"The I-Heart app kept going around keeping everyone pumped up," said a lucky survivor. "I really owe my life to it. When it gave me that Stone Heart that meant I had been hurt before but I was going to get through this, it really encouraged me, so I hit the like button." 

The Bumper Sticker apps for both sites went straight for each other, sending out shots like, "I fell in love with our friendship," "Ninjas are better than pirates," and "FAIL." Several people said that this was a clash of the titans, with no clear winner. "It kind of hit a stonewall when they got to the last 5 pages," said a witness. "They just kept talking about how much they loved Twilight. It seems that Facebook is more Team Edward, I can say that." 

Being able to add music to your profile turned out to be a disaster for Myspace, as it was constantly bickering within itself for a soundtrack to fight to. Justin Beiber turned out to be on a lot of playlists, but there were votes for "Birthday Sex" and several Taylor Swift songs as well. In the end, every Linkin Park song was played, and since they all sound exactly alike, there wasn't much confusion, but it wasn't very inspirational.

Facebook took a hit when the Cafe World app served a lot of the Mafia War people some bad Italian food. 

Both side's Astrology apps were asked if this was predicted, and after glancing surreptitiously at the Texas Hold 'Em apps, they both said, "It just wasn't in the cards."

Twitter was called to comment on the war, and said this. "I really think that it was a terrible thing that happened. I know both of them pretty well, and I think that it could have reached a more po..." When asked to clarify, it said simply, "I have a 140 character limit. I really can't give details." 

In the end, Myspace limped off defeated, and Facebook held the high ground. It was certainly not a celebrated victory. Countless apps laid dead in the street. There were thousands of status updates being posted about needing a neon clown fish or needing crops watered. There were calendar apps marking the day of the war as well as your birthday. "I'm A Sexy HAWT Gurl69**" was right back to making mass friend requests in Myspace, and was successful in convincing several single guys that she actually wanted them. 

"It's a sad day for social networking," said our resident expert. "Right now, both are spending some time on their Island Paradise apps and doing a little reflecting with the Quote of the Day apps." 

In other news, tension is mounting in the Blogger/Wordpress camps. Both parties have remained peaceful up to this point, but a spokesperson for Blogger as told us that "Shit is getting real." We'll have more updates for you as that story develops. 


  1. Ha! I love this. Long live FB. MySpace really lost it's charm for me years ago. The bit about all the apps just cracks me up. And I don't care who you are, there is no way you can say Farkle without laughing. Or at least without a dumb ass grin. You just can't. It makes me think of sparkly farts. And farts are funny.

    This might be one of your best posts ever.

  2. I'm proud to say I've never had a MySpace account and never will. Nice post!

  3. See this is why we love you. You is funny. FUNNY ha ha, not FUNNY...weird. Though, there is that too.

    This is possibly your most creative post EVER. EPIC my friend. EPIC.

    Oh....and fuckyouverymuch, I am not retarded and I play Mafia Wars, ya asshat!

  4. Geez Trav, that was like a University Thesis. You deserve a frickin Valedictorian speech after that epic.

    (Laughing on the inside cos I know Think Tank plays Mafia Wars because she doesn't sleep EVER!)

    Back on the net after catching my husbands man flu...geez, that shit is REAL!

  5. roflmbo.. I love this. I technically have a mYspace but I am NEVER on it, I mean NEVER.. Do those things just kind of float into some subwebspace station somewhere/? I love my FB LOVE it do ya hear me??

  6. I love it! I never ever ever check Myspace. I used it this past weekend to send someone a message because they don't have fb or I don't have them on fb but it just sits there. I don't even know the password it's stored

  7. You lost me on both, because I am not really a user of either. Now, bring on the blogger/word press war!

  8. People keep sending me goats and chickens and shit on Facebook.

    If this keeps up, pretty soon we may be actual neighbors.

  9. Nicely done. :) A friend of mine had sent me your link saying how much it reminded her tonally of a couple of my posts. I've been tweaking folks about Mafia Wars and other Facebook App obsessions for a while.

    I can't say I've spent time on Myspace, but that is probably due to the distinct lack of Super Awesomeness you'd mentioned. :)

  10. I seriously cannot STAND all the apps. I have about a gazillion chickens, pink cows, beating hearts, mafia requests, virtual hugs, virtual drinks, and virtually every other kind of useless crap EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I log into Facebook. It's why I make liberal use of the "ignore" button.

  11. Meh

    I don't FB and I never MySpaced...and who needs virtual Mafia Wars when you live it IRL? Got a woodchipper? Justsayin

    Super funny man! This outta pick you up some notice. I mean, SOMEONE is bound to read this and want to sign you on for some journalism work. First TYRA next JOURNALIST/BLOGGER of the Month!

    I'm definitely looking forward to the blogger/wordpress battle.

  12. Dude - You missed the boob shot yesterday... and I posted another one today!

  13. OMG. Like, who has a MySpace anymore? *pshh* Whatev.

    I still don't know what a Justin Beiber is.

  14. Wanted to post something creative, but damn man, I think you used up all the creativity in this once post.

  15. Awesome shit, dude.

    And yeah, Facebook all the way.

    MySpace is gay.

    Although, I hardly use Facebook anymore, except to play PathWords.

    That shits addictive.

  16. I play Farmville, I'm lame

    I like Facebook better too

    But again I play Farmville...

    soooo yeaaa

  17. Lauren: Farkle was the first thing that popped into my head for that very same reason.

    Kelly: I had one. It's a long story. SIGH. And thank you!

    AG: Yeah... I'll just say thanks and not address anything else. ;)

    Alex: Holy shit! You're back!

    Amber: My mission is to now hack your myspace.

    Angel: I hear you. I heart my FB as well.

    Lee: Blogger will win while Wordpress just sits around trying to load.

    Moog: You move next door to me with a goat and I'll kill it. That's real.

    Jenn: So glad to have you! Stay a while! And yeah, it does lack the awesome.

    Rita: I'm just waiting for the "block" button. There probably is an app for that.

    Daff: One can only hope. Thank you.

    June: I am so sorry. I feel like such a tool.

    Kate: God bless you.

    TOS: I hope not. I need to continue to wow people.

    Ed: Get a Twitter, bitch.

    K: You just dropped a notch on the cool meter. Luckily, you're up there pretty high.

  18. Brilliant.
    Absolutely brilliant.

  19. Brilliant.
    Absolutely brilliant.

  20. Ugh, I don't even want to get started on my hate for Myspace. I love Farmville though. ;)

  21. Farkle is just an awesome word. My sister even named her cat Farkle.

    Loved this post!

    BTW- I finally heard that stupid Ke$ha song. And saw the video. Its just AWFUL. It's like a train wreck, you dont want to watch but its so terrible you cant look away.

  22. Awesome. Incredible. My favorite post I've read all week. All month even. Maybe ever. So true and also hilarious.

  23. I really am Switzerland. I don't use either facebook or myspace. However, don't talk nasty about my Blogger or I'll throw down.

  24. I can't stand the Farmville and Mafia shit on FB. I abandoned MySpace eons ago.

    And Blogger is all I know. Wordpress intimidates me.

  25. you're so weird. i hope this gets published wherever you submitted it.

  26. Did myspace for a week. Like facebook. Love to blog!!


The price for my stories is your conversation.