Senior Staff Writer, Blogger Gazette
It was a terrible scene in downtown Internet tonight as the Myspace/Facebook war came to a head in a brutal fashion. "It was awful," one eyewitness reports. "One of the apps actually flew right by my face, I think it was Farkle."
Super Farkle, who survived because of it's superness, was quoted as saying, "I loved my little brother. He was great to kill time with, and now he's been killed by those bastards. I have to go tell Momma Farkle that her baby's been shot."
Super Awesomest Most Awesome Crazy Awesome Bubble Awesome Blaster also survived, but not without a serious injury to its awesomeness. "I feel like I've lost a part of myself," it blooped sadly.
There were heavy casualties on both sides, but it appears Facebook has emerged the winner, due to it's all around not being as lame-ness. "It really came down to the Mafia Wars app," said Facebook. "Ours just had more experience. We think a lot of that has to do with the fact that our Mafia Wars players, while still being retarded, are a lot older than the 10 year olds that use Mafia Wars on Myspace. This gave us a tactical edge, because we weren't getting grounded from it, and we were able to continue attacking after bedtime."
Bystanders say that the Farmville app did absolutely nothing for Facebook, and it just seemed to "lie there." A lot of "creepers" from both sides were able to use the corn field as a place to hide while they commented on pictures. One person said, "There was always a sneaking suspicion that Farmville was the most useless app in Facebook, and tonight proved it. Multiple crops were destroyed, and the app is in ruins." Users of the app say that they'll be back up and annoying you with "black mystery eggs" in no time at all.
"The I-Heart app kept going around keeping everyone pumped up," said a lucky survivor. "I really owe my life to it. When it gave me that Stone Heart that meant I had been hurt before but I was going to get through this, it really encouraged me, so I hit the like button."
The Bumper Sticker apps for both sites went straight for each other, sending out shots like, "I fell in love with our friendship," "Ninjas are better than pirates," and "FAIL." Several people said that this was a clash of the titans, with no clear winner. "It kind of hit a stonewall when they got to the last 5 pages," said a witness. "They just kept talking about how much they loved Twilight. It seems that Facebook is more Team Edward, I can say that."
Being able to add music to your profile turned out to be a disaster for Myspace, as it was constantly bickering within itself for a soundtrack to fight to. Justin Beiber turned out to be on a lot of playlists, but there were votes for "Birthday Sex" and several Taylor Swift songs as well. In the end, every Linkin Park song was played, and since they all sound exactly alike, there wasn't much confusion, but it wasn't very inspirational.
Facebook took a hit when the Cafe World app served a lot of the Mafia War people some bad Italian food.
Both side's Astrology apps were asked if this was predicted, and after glancing surreptitiously at the Texas Hold 'Em apps, they both said, "It just wasn't in the cards."
Twitter was called to comment on the war, and said this. "I really think that it was a terrible thing that happened. I know both of them pretty well, and I think that it could have reached a more po..." When asked to clarify, it said simply, "I have a 140 character limit. I really can't give details."
In the end, Myspace limped off defeated, and Facebook held the high ground. It was certainly not a celebrated victory. Countless apps laid dead in the street. There were thousands of status updates being posted about needing a neon clown fish or needing crops watered. There were calendar apps marking the day of the war as well as your birthday. "I'm A Sexy HAWT Gurl69**" was right back to making mass friend requests in Myspace, and was successful in convincing several single guys that she actually wanted them.
"It's a sad day for social networking," said our resident expert. "Right now, both are spending some time on their Island Paradise apps and doing a little reflecting with the Quote of the Day apps."
In other news, tension is mounting in the Blogger/Wordpress camps. Both parties have remained peaceful up to this point, but a spokesperson for Blogger as told us that "Shit is getting real." We'll have more updates for you as that story develops.