Thursday, February 4, 2010

TMI Thursday: And Then There Were Three...

Folks, it's TMI Thursday time with the one and only Lilu over at LivitLuvit. She's a peach of a gal that really does her best to get everyone on the internet to do something embarrassing or nasty on Thursdays, and so far, she's done a good job. This is my contribution this week. If you want more of this, please for the love of all that is holy and pure, click the picture of those old people having more fun than you did last night. 
TMI Thursday

If I could, I'd like to outline my sexual education for you. 

It didn't take place in a classroom, nor any other part of school, such as the gym teachers office, or in the janitor's closet, or out on the football field one night after the Spanish teacher got done telling you why he was unhappy in his marriage. 

It didn't take place in a church, and it wasn't personally taught to me by a priest, or any other clergyman that was forbidden to marry. 

It consisted of my mother almost, but not entirely chucking a book by Dr. James Dobson into my room when I was in the 6th grade, saying, "Here Travis, I picked this up at the library, you should read it!" And running out of my room back into her protected little housewife bubble. 

It also partly consisted of a prank some older girls pulled when I was in the 5th grade that involved them leaving little scraps of paper on the floor of the gym that said, "A woman get's pregnant by a man putting his penis into a woman's belly button..."

I still won't put a load anywhere near one of those things. 

The book had a chapter in it called "Sex" or something like that. 

I turned right to it. Hell, I thought it might have pictures. 

Instead what I read was a graphically detailed chapter of how a p goes into a v, and how babies are made. They didn't get right into the "parts" so to speak, but they gave me the basic idea of things, which I was sorely needing, because I was starting to be the kid that "didn't get" jokes at school. 

It also taught me how to masturbate. 

Now. Before I go further, I'd just like to say that I am sure that when Dr. Dobson wrote that book, he didn't envision a child starting a habit that, 15 years later, has developed into a hobby that he's mastered much like a young Asian boy masters karate and meditation. 

However, that's what happened. 

But I've wandered off the point a bit. 

The point is, I didn't know certain things about a woman's body. Hell, I'll be honest, I'm still in confusion about that g-spot thing. That's real. And don't give me any of that "Poor Missus" shit, I don't think she even knows where the damn thing is at. It's like finding a set of keys in a lake that you've been looking for for 8 years, then turning around in excitement to tell your wife about it, and knocking them back into lake you pulled them out of. 

Anyclimax, I was 16, and I was at my first girlfriends house. We had been dating while, long enough that we were using the "L" word, and I was getting handjobs pretty regular, and I still thought regular handjobs were a pretty cool thing. 

Somehow, the topic of her period came up. This sparked a question in my brain. A question that I thought I could trust her not to laugh at. 

"Hey. When you have to pee and you have a tampon in, do you have to take it out to pee?"

cricket
cricket
cricket
uncontrollable laughter and finger pointing
cricket

I was pretty ticked off. 

"Travis, we have a pee hole. It's right above the vagina... Did you not know this?"

"No. I didn't. Thanks for laughing at me."

So yeah... That's how I found out that a woman doesn't pee through her vagina.  

Maybe next time I'll tell you about Kid Funk diagramming where the clit is for me.

32 comments:

  1. uh.... yea. we've had this conversation.

    i still don't really know how everything works down there. on me or on the boys. maps are hard.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Clit?

    G-Spot?

    Travis, I think I echo the word of every man alive when I say:

    Seriously. Who cares?

    ReplyDelete
  3. lmbo Trav I have a friend who thought when his wife had her hysterectomy she would no longer be able to have sex. He thought they removed the v and all. Ummm yeah and he was an ADULT I can overlook a young guy thinking that better then I can a grown man thinking a hysterectomy resulted in the removal of the tunnel.. Hello taking out a tunnel means leaving a bigger tunnel or lots of sewing that I don't even want to think about..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Travy... And to think, all these years later, you've become such a ladies man. Equipped with a harem and all...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ummm....did you compare the Misus ladyparts to a lake?

    ...is she okay with that?

    ReplyDelete
  6. So I took a drink of water right before I read, "That's how I found out that a woman doesn't pee through her vagina." I aaaalmost lost that mouthful of water. But I didn't. I kept it in. Lucky for you, cause this work computer is not cheap.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've slept with millions of women in my life(by millions I mean like 4)and have been married for almost 14 years with 4 kids(three of which are still living)and I'm pretty sure you taught me stuff just now.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I just heard on tv the other day that the g spot does not actually exist..... *tears*

    ReplyDelete
  9. WHAT? You mean I DON'T pee through my va-gee-gee? Oh-oh. I better get that checked!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Not gonna lie...I was one of those girls that FREAKED OUT when I got my first period and didn't want to tell anyone or ask any questions, so I ended up studying the "insert guide" in a box of my mom's tampons forever to figure out where in the hell those things were supposed to go. I was concerned about the pee thing, too. Granted, I was, like, 12...but whatev.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You know, when I was young I had the same confusion. Hell I have a vag and it still confuses me some days. Sooo many holes. Now you know why being a woman is so much harder than being a man.

    ReplyDelete
  12. This reminds me of the time I was going to give this guy I was with a blow job, and he said NO, because he PEES out of that thing, why would I want it in my mouth??? Hmmm, well I thought that was very considerate of him, but uhhhh? We were 16. It was weird. After that I was sort of put off bj's for years, and only gave hj's. Unless it would get me an A in French class.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well, at least the woman didn't give birth to a baby out of her belly button hole nine months after you got off by sticking your penis in it.

    (So cruel, but I couldn't fucking resist)

    ReplyDelete
  14. That's okay...I just learned the difference between a scrotum and a testicle this year. I'm 35.

    ReplyDelete
  15. wait they don't get pregnant from putting it in their belly buttons?

    damn women and their fancy sex parts!

    ReplyDelete
  16. You crack me up! Thought your blog was funny...now I'm following you. Thanks for making me smile!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Dang! I thought that's why some gals have innies.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm with Carissa. So many holes! I was probably 11 when I thought my vagina was broken because I wasn't peeing through it.

    ReplyDelete
  19. So what are you saying Tracie?

    Are the outies a sure sign someone is a lesbian?

    This post is great. I can't stop laughing. Lol.

    Maybe that's the problem I'm having finding my g thingy.

    Maybe I need to explore my belly button cavity more.

    And clean it out more too. Holy shit!

    The lint fairy just left me a deposit!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh Holy Crow!

    I declare I am a christian woman.
    I should not read such blogs as yours and others. But I can't help it. You all are so freakin' funny I keep coming back for more.

    I'm going to hell, I just know it.

    ~Dawn

    ReplyDelete
  21. Frighteningly it is not uncommon for guys to not know this.

    The TMI badge at the top of the post scares me. I wish I knew what was going on there.

    ReplyDelete
  22. See, my parents were pretty open with me so I was the asshole on the bus who at age 5 told everyone "Sex is when a man puts his penis in a vagina." Seriously, I was like the kid from "Kindergarten Cop".

    And I still call it like I see it today.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You guys are lucky...you just let it all hang out and there it is. We women know what to do with it, and if we don't, well for sure most of us have felt your hands on the back of our heads pushing us and guiding us into "proper" position for what to do. Right ladies? Travis, this is cute...and probably nothing to be embarrassed about because most men, in the beginning, had to have fumbled with all our little lady parts that don't always jump out at you as quickly as your manly parts do. Love the post!

    I have something for you at my blog - come and get it!

    http://2010-year-of-miracles.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. *points and laughs*

    Go check out my blog, I don't know if you're into them, but I gave you an award. :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. I bet there are million out there that thought just like you!!
    So funny!1

    ReplyDelete
  26. I can't get past that you had a book that taught you how to masturbate...

    ReplyDelete
  27. bwaaahhhhaaahah!!! note to self: do not give sons book on sexual education...buy them vaginas for dummies. i can't wait to see the diagram!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I was in 5th or 6th grade when I started learning about things. I thought it was so disgusting. My 17 year old thought so too when we told him around 4th grade. Now if teenagers and college students could continue to think way until marriage....

    ReplyDelete
  29. funny.

    I just found out that over 50,000 women in the US have TWO VAGINAS. Thanks to the Tyra show (didn't watch it, saw it mocked on Talk Soup). Googled it. Found out that it's not that rare. Then I found a picture of it. WOW. That's an image I didn't need to see. My wife and I had fun thinking off all the possibilities two could offer.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

    ReplyDelete

The price for my stories is your conversation.