Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I Had A Post Planned...

...And this little gem was dropped smooth in my lap. Thank you, late night TV.




Seriously?


I mean...I know I don't have to. But let's break this down. 


So, this chick went to high school. We've got that much, but after that, it gets kind of fuzzy. 


If I had to guess, she was probably that girl that wasn't terribly smart, but was wicked good at giving handjobs under blankets at the football games. 


She's working "for an hourly wage." Listen. You take that same song, that same chick, and that SAME uniform, give her a pole and a stage, and she's going to make a HELL of a lot more money than taking orders from the feisty senior citizen lunch crowd at the local diner. 


She's tired of the job she has, even though she is LEGIT with condiment bottles on a tray. Not one of them even moved!


I'm also pretty sure she has to pee. Does the whole thing not remind you of a pee dance?


Then she explains how a college degree makes you more money! I don't know about you, but this was groundbreaking news. I'm going to look into this and report my findings. 


Then she does a little breaking it down on teh internets. She took a test, and now all her problems are solved! YAY!


Then she gets in a chair with a laptop and spins around. That's dangerous. Those aren't cheap. While the backgrounds change faster than an LSD trip, she explains that with online classes, you can get your degree on "your own time." Because nothing spells success like logging onto the internet whenever you feel like it, and trying to pass a history final while sneaking peeks at Asian ass porn on your incognito browser. 


Then she sort of breaks it down a bit. Words on the screen and what not. Killer dance moves, which further illustrates my point that she should be on the pole. 


And then it ends, sadly, with a performance type piece. Her with a microphone, orange background, and the most obvious lip syncing of the whole thing. 


I had tears in my eyes when it was over. 


Where did they find this girl? How was it cast?


"Hey there! We've got this commercial, it's going to make you look completely retarded, but it might help you launch that singing career that failed when you got kicked out of the local karaoke bar's 'Pub Idol' competition." 


"SURE!"


"And if this fails, listen. You'd make a hell of a lot of money on the pole."


"What?"


"ACTION!"