Monday, March 22, 2010

Memoir Monday: My Try Out For The Biggest Loser.

(Hey y'all. This little thing is called Memoir Monday, and I'd be thrilled if you gave it a shot. Just jot down a story about yourself, grab my code down there, and I'll link you up to be read by all my wonderful blog buddies. The only rule? It has to be true. I am personally doing what I can to help cure your case of the Mondays. Thanks for playing along!)

For those of you who aren't graced enough to be following my 140 character assaults on basketball teams I don't like, lentil tacos, and basketball teams I don't like that I call my Twitter page, I will update you on some things now. 

Last week sometime I decided to go try out for The Biggest Loser. They were holding auditions in Oklahoma City on Saturday, and I thought, "Eh, what the hell. I'm pretty fat, and I have previous TV experience." So I decided to make the 2+ hour drive over and see what I could do. 

Then, on Friday night, THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING, the Blizzard of 10 hit Oklahoma. For those of you who aren't familiar, a blizzard in Oklahoma is anything from light sleet, all the way up to 1 inch of snow. Anymore than that, and we start making plans for Jesus coming back. 

Either way, it hit. I had my alarm set for 4:15 AM, and when it went off, I damn near threw the clock against the wall. I hit the snooze, set the alarm for 6:15, and went back to sleep. (The original plan was to be at the casting call by 7 AM so that I could be first in line when they opened the doors at 10.)

What wound up happening was that I set my clock to 6:15, not the alarm. So when I woke up at 10:15 AM (8:15) I was pretty wound up. I soon figured out the correct time, and we picked up Kid Funk and made our way to the city. 

The trip up was pretty uneventful, although Kid Funk and The Missus will both tell you I was in a bad mood until I had breakfast. (Blood sugar much?)

When we rolled into the Coca Cola event center, The line didn't seem very long. I got there about noon, and the casting call was supposed to shut down around 6. We hopped in line, and I filled out my application. 

The next 6 hours of my life were filled with 3 things. 

1. Making fun of fat people while they listened.
2. Watching fat people make the McDonalds next door very profitable.
3. Watching college hoops on the big screens. 

I've taken some pictures, and I'm sorry for the amount, but they are all really pretty funny. The long and short of it was, I waited for 6 hours, finally made it back to the room, got sat down at a table with ten other fatties, they interviewed us in a group, and they told us they would do call backs that night. 

I never got a call back. Truth be told, I don't think I was fat enough, if you can believe that. There were some HUGE people there, folks. And really, all I could think about when I left was, NOT ONE SINGLE FART WAFTED UP MY NOSTRILS. The entire time, thousands of fat people, and not one time did I sniff a fart. I was amazed. We're a classy demographic. 

On the way home, my car hit an icy spot on a bridge, and tried to go into a spin. Kid Funk shit himself, and The Missus almost threw up, but for sure, I pulled out of it like a champ. That was the end of trying to drive the speed limit, and we made great time on the way home, with a 2+ hour drive taking almost 4 hours. 

Would I do it again?

You're damn right I would. 

So here are the pictures, along with some captions to make your Monday more enjoyable. 

Fact: Fat people WILL tear up the place trying to get AC. 

The trash cans had so much leftover trans fat, one of them had a stroke. 

This woman was making a happy plate out of a happy meal... Licked it clean. 

"I'll have the salad. No vegetables, just croĆ»tons, bacon bits, and ranch."

This fucking idiot DRUG a chair around the ENTIRE FIVE HOURS!

Again. I don't think she knew they actually make you exercise on the show...

This is Deputy Dan. Deputy Dan almost tazed me, and then yelled at us to "STOP MOVING CHAIRS AROUND OR I WILL RUIN YOUR CHANCES TO BE ON THE SHOW!"

More McDonalds... AND CAMO! Does anyone see a pattern here? (You gotta give me that pun.)

You'll notice I kept getting photo bombed by a guy in a yellow shirt. Turns out, he was a hell of a nice guy, and I'm not just saying that because he asked for my blog address. Big guy, if you're reading this, I hope you and your lady got on. 

Making out with each other in line though? 


Save that shit for the reinforced bed in the hotel. 

That's real. 

Other Non-Fatty Filled Lines To Memory Lane: GO READ THEM!



  2. They should have made you exercise while you wait. That would have culled out the herd. Two hours in and three-fourths the room would have given up and gone home.

  3. You make something like this sound like fun, when I would expect it to be anything but. I wish I got to hang out with you in real life. I could use more positivity around me!

  4. Oh, I see you saw that I jumped in again after last week's hiatus. I hope my write-up at the beginning was sufficient for you. I was going to post a comment first, but I couldn't get the comments to load on my phone and had to restart. Then I see it listed here already. Thanks.

  5. Also, if you don't already, you should get in touch with Carissa ( She has a Biggest Loser story she posted about, too. Sounds like she made some changes because of it and lost a lot of weight. FYI.

  6. I have a whole new level of respect for you now Travis. I mean seriously I told my kids if I went on the biggest loser I would so be in a fist fight with Jillian. That woman is EVIL and on purpose and I am just saved enough to douse her in anointing oil and cast some demons out lol..

  7. Did Jillian Michaels burst out of the wordwork and slap the Big Mac's out of everyone's hands? That lady is a crazy, mean bitch (I've been doing her 30-Day Shred and it makes me hate her with an irrational passion).

    I've got one for you today:

  8. i'm playing too, but cannot for the life of me figure out how to copy that daggone code...

    thanks :)

    nice job on surviving the drive!

  9. very funny. I'm glad you made it out of there alive! I'm not playing along today. Just don't have any memoir mojo! But hope to be back next week. (of course, that's my kids' spring break. I may be in the looney bin by the end!)

  10. No wafting farts? Really? I'm shocked.

    Btw, I played along this week:

  11. Got anymore of Deputy Dan? He has nice guns.....

    I dont' think I ever want to eat McDonalds again....not that I really eat there very often anyway....just sayin....

    Glad you made it back alive and thanks for not blowin my phone up with that KU shit.

  12. Wish you made it on would have been cool to see you take on Jullian.

  13. Dude, if it makes you feel better, you're the Biggest Loser I know.

  14. Hmmm, I'm thinking Deputy Dan is kinda cute.
    And REALLY? I would hope, being a mini-fatty, that if I were to try out for that, I would at least have a smit bit of humility to bring along a salad with me instead of heading over to McFatty's. Seriously? You know they are just watching everyone with a little hidden camera, deciding who will be the easiest to humiliate. Maybe that is why you didn't get a callback. You should have come back with one of those 50 nugget packs and eaten them all by yourself.

  15. buahahahaaa! this is great! hubby and i wsanted to audition, but weren't fat enough!

  16. Yeah, Big T, I reckon it's a good news/bad news kinda sitch-ee-ay-shun y'got chere ... the good news is, you're not so fat they want you on the show, the bad news is, you're not so fat they want you on the show ...

    For what it's worth, tho', they totally missed out - and I'd've paid good money to watch you tell that scrawny psychotic bitch Jillian Michaels off ... oh, if only!

    Guess you betta start supah sizin' it for next year!

    Oh, and the pic of the gal LICKING her McDonald's burger box ... absofuckinglutely PRICELESS.

  17. LOL! I love it! I always think, at the start of every season, hey! I'd like to be on there. And then I watch them try to kill the fat people, and I think, whew! Thank GOD I'm not on that show!

  18. LMAO! And I don't know how Deputy Dan knew people were draggin chairs around...I mean...could you see those chairs under them? YIKES! And Travis, you are way too skinny for the show. You might try Celeb Fit Club after your debut on Tyra.

  19. I think that box was by far the healthiest thing to eat. I would have actually watched The Biggest Loser if you were on it. Now, I'll have to settle for "Kendra" instead.

    Here's my posting.

  20. I have only seen a few eps of that show, the first season it was on, but damn, I would have totally watched it if you were on. I mean, how funny would you have made the whole thing? People would have lost weight from laughing all the time.

    And man, I wish I had gone there to try out. I'm used to being the fattest person in the room all the time. This would have been a refreshing change.


  22. I don't watch the show, but if you get on it, I will. Jillian scares me.


    love the pics!

  23. OK- You had me rolling at the fart descriptions, but then I started reading your captions for your photos, and the tears started coming. Thanks for the laughs. So sorry you were not fat enough to be a LOSER. There is always next year, right? BTW, I linked up to you today on my blog post. :)

  24. THOSE PICS WERE CLASSIC! Thanks for a great laugh on a Monday morning! :)

  25. Oh, Travis, I know that Duke is also in the Sweet 16. If things go according to my bracket, K-State and Duke will cross paths at the end of the tourney (a little wishful thinking? Perhaps) - we may have to have a few angry words. In my defense, though, I did pick Duke to win it all :)

  26. Well at least they don't think your fat enough to qualify! That's good..I think! Really they should have made everyone exercise and that would have dwindled down the list don'tcha think! I am now your newest you get the drift!

  27. I'm sure someone's already beaten me to this, but Travis, love, I'd have thought you'd have learned to use a clock by now.

  28. Sorry there's so much weight discrimination on that show.

  29. Did you take those pics with your phone? How did you do it without them noticing??? I need to know your trick because I'm always too chicken to capture those Kodak moments for fear that I'll get beat to death! That show just doesn't know what it's missing!!!

    Add me to your list, please!

  30. Your participant list is getting longer and longer. Why don't you sign up for Mr. McLinky? It's free.

    I'm sorry you didn't get on the show. It would've been fun to watch someone I "knew."

  31. I absolutely would have picked up another hopelessly ignorant reality show to add to my list just to laugh...errr...I mean cheer you on.

    Sorry you're not fat enough.

  32. Here's mine!

    Losing my memoir virginity, so please be gentle with me...

  33. We should start our own Blogger Biggest Loser - except maybe by the fact that we are all blogger we are already all winners. (Or all losers, depending on how you look at it,)

  34. I know this one dude that got a call from producers to apply for BL. That makes me think the whole application process is all a scam. Just a way to get an arena full of fatties to scream in unison about wanting to be the next American Idol or whatever it is they have to scream (for ice cream.)

  35. I dont watch that show cause I cant stand all the whining and crying. But I would have totally watched if you were going to be on!! You would have made that show funny!

  36. Everything about this post makes you my hero.

    All of it. You win in life.

  37. oh lord she really licked it.
    eeewwweeee--- and in front of people too.

  38. Let me guess...everyone showed up in Geo Trackers?

  39. DUDE! I wanna be on biggest loser! I don't think I'm fat enough either.

    You are a funny guy! Glad I found ya!

  40. OMG! I was literally weeping at the hilarity of this post! And next Monday I'll be joining the Memoir blogging!


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