Monday, March 8, 2010

Memoir Monday: The One Where I Channel Jet Li. Oh, And Get Sent Away.

(Hey guys and gals. It's Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I need you to join this week! Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y'all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the brand new button!! I'd also like to add here that this would be the ORIGINAL Memoir Monday, not any of this other supah bullshit copy meme stuff. So yeah. Imitation and flattery and all that jazz, right?)




Most of you know how I was brought up. Very religious, very strict, but I have to say, I had it better than most folks. My dad never punched me or put out cigarettes on my arms, although he did shake me once. 

In all fairness, I was about 15, and I deserved it. I also learned a valuable lesson. When you choose to finally bo up to your father, make sure you're not standing IN a shed, with him at the door. When he got a hold on me, he said, "Son, the day you choose to fight your father will be the day that you are wrong. It will also be the day you get your butt KICKED." 

I believed him.

My mom has never stolen money from me for drugs, and has never had a "How Many Dudes Can I Bang Tonight/Tupperware" party at her house. 

My parents were strict, but they loved me, and I'm incredibly grateful for the way I was raised.  

But anyway, my dad was on the school board. It was a hard fought campaign, and he won by a pretty good margin. He served as the vice president until his death. 

I was kind of a calm kid, but I liked attention. I was never "cool" or "popular." I was of the mid level ilk, and I was just fine with that. I fit in with everybody. I was the Ellen Degeneres of my high school. Only, you know, not gay. 

I was in the band. 

[insert band nerd joke here]

Say what you will, but I was a MEAN trumpet player. First chair, baby! To this day, I can still play "Wipe Out" with no sheet music whatsoever. I was LEGIT. 

Our band teacher was someone who liked to cry a lot. She was pretty cool as band teachers go, but for sure, if you so much as blew a wrong note, she'd cry like she'd just sat on a thumbtack...which happened one time. (I was not at fault)

Band geeks are pretty much just that. Retarded. You've all heard of my experience with seeing boobs for the first time on a band bus. If you haven't, click that sentence. I even illustrated it for you, although I must say, it's probably not something you want your boss seeing. 

One day, I was walking to the band room, and I was running a bit late. Some smart ass idiot freshman thought it would be funny to lock me out of the room and make me tardy. Since I didn't want to be tardy, and since I was a pretty big guy, I decided to use some intimidation tactics. 

"IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN THERE, I WILL KICK THE DOOR DOWN!"

Instead of making the kid open the door, it had the opposite effect. 

"Oh my god, kick it down, Travis! Kick it down!" 
"Yeah! Kick it down!" 
"That would be so cool! Kick it down!"
"You won't do it, Travis. You won't!"

Now listen. This was right around the time that I discovered Jet Li. I was HOOKED, y'all. I mean, I watched that man kick so much ass in Lethal Weapon 4, and Romeo Must Die was about to come out, and I was a FAN. Plus, I'd pretty much been triple dog dared into doing it. And you don't back down from that. 

This was the opportunity I had been waiting for. 

So I backed up a bit, then I flew at that door foot first and I gave it THA BIDNESS. 

I don't really know what I was expecting. Actually, I do. I was expecting to be bounced back by a sturdily placed door. But that isn't what happend. 

The door FLEW off the frame like it had been hit by a tornado. Kids were screaming, the teacher was screaming, wood chips were flying, I'm pretty sure the door hit a trombone player with the deadbolt. 

SHIT. WAS. EPIC. 

The band teacher started crying and making the sign of the cross, and I'm just standing there in the doorway, basking in it all, watching as little nerd band girls said, "Take me now you big strong brute" and licking their flutes suggestively, while the trombone player is noticing that he's going to need a key to operate his instrument now, and it was...GLORIOUS. But at the same time, I knew...I was IN TROUBLE. 

I figured since dad was on the school board, it wouldn't be too bad, and I couldn't have been further from the truth. I got sent to alternative school for a week AND had to pay for the door, all because my dad wanted to make an example out of me for the other students. 

I never did get to see Romeo Must Die until after my dad died. I think that's what hurt the most. 

But I tell you what, watching those little nerdy band girls stare at me in awe while I stood 10 feet tall in that doorway was one of the best moments of my life. 

Worth it. 

Other Non-Broken Doorways To Memory Lane This Week:  (GO READ THEM!)

Quixotic's Memoir Monday: So You Think You Can Dance?

Alex's Memoir Monday: So This Is What Actually Happened.

Ally's Memoir Monday.

Erin's Memoir Monday: Shrinking To Fit; Or Finally Growing A Nice Pair Of Testicles.

BigSis' Memoir Monday: The Two Weekend Wedding.

Josh's Memoir Monday: But I Hate Coffee.

Cassie's Memoir Monday: The Mouse And The Stove. **ROOKIE**

Cajun's Memoir Monday: What Would You Do? Lessons Learned. **ROOKIE**

Kate's Memoir Monday: The Bunker.

LB's Memoir Monday: My Mom Was No June Cleaver, And I Wasn't The Beav.

Sal's Memoir Monday: The Fish Story. 

Angel's Memoir Monday: I Just Had To Tell This One.

Barb's Memoir Monday. **ROOKIE**

Lluvia's Memoir Monday: The Time I Got Fired From A Job

Kate's Memoir Monday: My Favorite Smell. **ROOKIE**

Taylorville's Memoir Monday: Gullible Is So In The Dictionary. **ROOKIE**

Aimee's Memoir Monday: Snips, Snails, And Puppy Dog Tails...And Dead Chicken Fetuses.

38 comments:

  1. Nw THAT'S what Memoir Mondays are made of. Seriously, I am so lucky to even know you. It's okay that you didn't join us for Snarkler. Most likely we wouldn't have been worthy of your bad ass door bustin' presence....

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  2. I worship you even more after learning that. You are so cool!

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  3. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say that the girls were licking their trombones?

    You said 'flute' dude. This is YOUR story. Embellish a little.

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  4. I don't know, Moog, he did say he was standing 10 feet tall and that's exactly what the girls were thinking, too.

    I jumped in again today, Travis. It's a long one.

    TWSS.

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  5. Wow...You are the only person I know who was a band geek AND capable of kicking a door off its hinges. I'm impressed.

    *I just said I "know" you. Isn't this blogging community an interesting place?*

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  6. Lmao...my son quickly realized that the day he decided to bo up to me. He was at that age where he was this huge emotional, pissed off stage and he decided to get up in my face and tell me how he felt.

    I've always told him that his balls will never be as big as mine. He learned that I was telling the truth that day! Lmao..

    I'm gonna go type mine up right now!

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  7. Now I can say I know someone who can break down a door. My life just got a little better.

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  8. Ok...I just got mine put up! Check it out if you'd like!

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  9. EPIC. I used that in a post title last week. In love with that word. Which totally applies in this case.

    That being said, I'm kinda relieved you didn't make an appearance at Snarkler. I'd have been scurred.

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  10. I'm pretty sure that you are all that is man. Even though you were in the band. Nerd ;)

    I posted one: http://kate-growthspurt.blogspot.com/2010/03/memoir-monday-bunker.html

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  11. You bad ass mofo. I so would've dated you in high school.

    My daughter is a band "geek", and dude, I know I'm her mom, but she's smokin hot. The boys won't leave her alone. She probably licks her flute at them.

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  12. Visiting from I believe Blogs. There's nothing wrong with being in the band. I never was and I wish that I was. My son plays the guitar. lol

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  13. I wasn't a band chick, but I'm pretty sure I would have stalked you after hearing about that.

    I'm in this week. Check it out.

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  14. That is like a whole new level of impressive. For reals!

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  15. You can always have stories...this one time at band camp...

    I think the flute went up the teacher's ass that is why the screams rang out.

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  16. roflmbo OK see I woul dhave been the crazy chick in the back laughing my butt off going oooh Travis you are so screwed now... I would have PAID I say PAID to be a fly on the wall

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  17. Breaking in a door for absolutely no reason makes you win AT LIFE!

    Or you have anger issues. But I prefer to think you win at life.

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  18. OK here is my link to mine... and don't get any ideas or nasty sisterly love scenes in your mind travis seriously...
    http://singedwingangel.blogspot.com/2010/03/monday-memoirs-with-travis-i-just-had.html

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  19. That is so bad-ass I can hardly stand it.

    And thank you for bringing "Romeo Must Die" back from the mental graveyard.

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  20. LMAO!! THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST MEMOIRS EVER!!!

    I'd to see a vlog of you playing wipeout--love that song!

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  21. This is a GREAT story. What a badass!

    Ok, this is my first go of a Memoir Monday. Go easy on me:

    http://www.bustedplumbing.com/2010/03/memoir-mondays-my-favorite-smell.html

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  22. What a stud! Of course, you forgot to mention the part where you silently "whewed" after then door didn't bite back and knock you on your ass!!!

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  23. Impressive! I was just 'licking my flute suggestively' and I wasn't even there.

    Check out my contribution:
    http://girlybitz.blogspot.com/2010/03/gullible-is-so-in-dictionary.html

    It's my first. Be gentle.

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  24. So now we've both written about our first F-word experience AND we're both kick-ass first chair trumpet players. SAAAAAWEEET. I was da bomb diggety yo, and the best part was I am only 4'6'' and got to stand in front of the whole HS marching band during half time to play my trumpet solo. Everyone's like "where's that shit coming from??"

    I'm totally missing out on Memoir Monday right now thanks to the blue screen of death!!

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  25. Woot! Finished.

    http://www.pleasantlydemented.com/2010/03/memoir-monday-toddlers-sleeping-mommy.html

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  26. Shit always gets broke when you're around.

    At least you weren't playing your own instrument THIS time.

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  27. Travis...you are a Ninja master, born and bred.

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  28. OMG Travis! That is priceless! You and my son have a lot in common! Teehee!

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  29. seriously Trav, will you pretty please write a book? You are the shiz!

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  30. WOAH. That would have made me weak in the knees. All the band guys did at my school was set off stink bombs in the hallway.

    Hot.

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  31. Wow! You are getting quite a list of other memoirs!

    I remember the first (and last) time my brother chest butted my dad. My brother was taller than my dad and thought he was a big guy. My dad calmly and in one swift move had my brother on the floor wandering what day it was.

    My father was 2nd in the nation for his weight class and college size for Judo. Somehow we missed that memo.

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  32. Oh my gosh, this is hysterical! Love your description of the band kids. And you busting in like the Incredible Hulk. Priceless!

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  33. dude....all these people callin you the shiz....you kicked a door down in okay oklahoma! that is SOP for most rednecks because any music other than what comes out of your truck stereo is truly cultured expression fresh from NYC! the only divergent part is that you were probably not wearing camo fatigues or steel-toed boots. if you were really stepping out, you would have knocked on the door and kindly asked said student or band director to open up the door.

    ............hubby of supermom

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  34. btw....i spent 8 years in band from 5th grade thru senior year and i am CERTAIN that most of your blogging homies here were the same ilk of kids that i had to protect while they got drunk off their asses at keggers and "tried to fit in" LOL!!!!

    these chicks saying how hot you are for doing that....OMG! spare me

    ..........hubby of supermom

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  35. I worship you even more after learning that. You are so cool!
    Work From Home

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The price for my stories is your conversation.