Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Nerds Every Where Pissed About "Hurt Locker" Win.

Who has two thumbs, a drawer full of big ass gold contacts, a WOW account, and hates The Hurt Locker?

Every fucking nerd in the country.

Avatar got passed over at the Oscars a couple of nights ago, and indignant sci-fi film experts everywhere have sounded off on numerous websites claiming that the loss was "political," and in the case of this brilliant mind named Rachel, even gay.

"The fact that Avatar didn't win is so stupid. It made use of the CSI technology, it had a groundbreaking message, and the fact that it didn't win every Cable Ace it was nominated for is despicable. The Hurt Locker was about a football team or something. How gay is that?" 

Ahem. Someone get this chick a protractor and some algebra homework before she has a seizure.

My favorite response to this? It came from psycho7772: "Wtf, die in a fire...and know what something is about plz. kthnxbai." Classic.

Seriously though, folks. Yeah, it was the highest grossing movie of all time. Yeah, it had some cool special effects. Yeah, James Cameron makes good movies. Woo...it's in 3-D. So was Bolt, and that didn't take home one single Academy Award. And no, I haven't seen Avatar.

But guess what? I haven't seen The Hurt Locker either. But when my wife and I wrote down our picks for Best Picture, wanna take a crack at what we BOTH wrote down? Yep. The Hurt Locker.

The "Official Avatar Community on Typepad" had this to say: "How did you feel when Avatar didn't win best picture? I felt bad. But it doesn't make the movie bad. Avatar should have won all 9 Oscars by far. Stupid judges, they hate CG movies."

The only reply to this heartbreaking post? "May be this stupid judges are unable to see what is Avatar b.cz it's higher than their minds can see."

Right. Listen. Next year, someone get these bastards in the Academy. I know it's going to be hard for them, what with leaving their rooms for the first time in years, but I think we may be able to get them there if we tell them that Jessica Alba is waiting to give them a handjob, and they'll get +50 exp points for their Paladin.

Others have said that Avatar didn't win because it "showed the military as cowboys." Really? Was there a "YEEEEHAAAAA!" at the beginning of every fight scene? Were there six shooters? Did they have a token Indian riding along with a bow and arrow? Oh. They did? Well, that's my bad then.

This brings to mind another quote I read: "Avatar did win. 20 years ago when it was called Dances With Wolves." 

Let's line this out. Your opinion doesn't count for shit because YOU'RE NOT ON THE FUCKING ACADEMY. If they let people like you on there, Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Kahn would still be winning Oscars, and filmmakers without a 847 billion dollar budget wouldn't even have a shot.

I wanted Inglorious Basterds to win everything. You don't see me bitching about it. For my money, Brad Pitt played a hell of character, and I was glad to see that ol Kristoff guy win one. I think Meryl Streep and George Clooney are just as overrated as the next pair of actors, but for sure, I'm not on www.ihavenolifeandmasturbatetoavatar.com fillin up the message boards about how the Academy hates CG films and whether or not James Cameron is really an alien and that's how he makes crazy movies.

Also, didn't he make Titanic? Didn't he win a shit ton of Oscars for that pile of manure? I say he owes us one. He needed to sit his happy ass down and let his ex-wife get recognized for filming a bunch of bombs going off with a Flip Video camera and 13 inch Macbook Pro. Probably wasn't even an HD Flip. I say kudos. Hell, she probably would have gotten his Oscar in some sort of divorce agreement.

And for the record, The Hurt Locker is NOT about a football team. Although, I do think that the girl from Precious and the kid from The Blind Side look a LOT alike.

So calm down, all you Avatards. Things will go back to normal, and next year you can bitch about the latest Harry Potter movie and how the Academy hates British novelists. And before you get all hateful and snooty in the comments, I just want to let you know, I will come to your house AND KICK YOUR ASS.

That's right. I'm bigger than you. And cooler. And really, that's just sad for you.

Hell, I want to watch Star Trek II now.


  1. I think it would be kind of fun if you did a review of my life....or not.

    What's a movie again?

  2. Avatar and James Cameron hater here! :)

    I am so glad that Hurt Locker won and that the director was awarded as such, not because she was a woman, but she did an awesome job. The trailer alone for Avatar did not interest me - Hurt Locker was an awesome movie.

  3. I'm completely mystified re: why anyone would CARE who wins an Oscar. They saw the movie, they liked it, good! Why would it matter that a group of people you don't know and will never meet picked some other film so some other group of people can stand gobsmacked with a statue in their hand and blather their gratitude to more people you don't know until they are played off with a snippet of soundtrack? Is it even worth the energy it takes to work up discernable indignation? Was it worth sitting through X hours of self congratulatory ego masturbation and red carpet shots of Sarah Jessica Parker dressed like a plastic birthday party favor? No, no, no, and no.

  4. "Groundbreaking message" my ass! Hello, did anyone else see "Pocahontas"?!

    My favorite comment during the Oscars was when "Avatar" won for Visual Effects and during the acceptance speach, one of the guys was all "please remember that our world is just as beautiful as [whatever the Avatar blue-people planet is called]" - it was like he was trying to say (as diplomatically as possible) "hey, nerds...please stop killing yourself because you can't come to terms with the fact that the cartoon was too pretty".

    Part of me was really hoping that once she was announced the winner, "The Hurt Locker" chick would've turned around and yelled "SUCK IT, CAMERON!!" before going up to collect her Oscar. Would've been amazing.

  5. Question, did you see Avatar? I don't really care actually. I'm kind of a nerd and saw all the nominated movies EXCEPT Precious, not that that means anything either. I really enjoyed Avatar but I think pretty much everyone involved with the film site that I write for was rooting for Hurt Locker for the big win, mostly because that was what their money was on. The nerds should have been prepared. With the new voting system and the polarized opinions of Avatar (people either loved it or didn't think a CG film had a place in the Academy) there was really no way it was going to win. If I really had to choose, I would have given it to Up In the Air. Love that George Clooney.

  6. I saw 6 of the 10 nominated movies.

    Yes, I'm rich AND handsome.

    It's okay to hate.

  7. Avatards. Classic.

    What about Gran Torino and Clint? Oh, wrong year? See how with it I am...

  8. DIAF is the best insult evs, in my opinion.

    People will bitch, that's just the law of the interwebs.

    But, damn, it's funny as shit to read :)

  9. I was SO HAPPY that Hurt Locker won. I haven't seen either picture. I just can't stand James Cameron. In fact, when Kathryn Bigelow won, I yelled out, "TAKE THAT JAMES CAMERON!" He left his wife, Linda Hamilton, for that skinny bitch he was sitting next to at the Oscars. She has NOT aged well. She played in the Titanic as the grandmother's daughter. Anyway, James has been married 5 times! He's 55 years old! It has to be for his money!

  10. Hilarious!
    I'm with Kate. Kathryn telling James Cameron to suck it would've made my night.
    I do love her though for honoring servicemen and emergency personnel in her speech. That's class.

  11. Avatard! Love it! You should really copyright the phrase. :)

  12. I wonder how long until Avatards is not acceptable.
    Some lady is trying to out law the use of retarded. It's True. I saw it in the paper. Pretty soon the replacement word will have a bad connotation, too. Maybe it'll come back to retarded and crippled and short and stupid actually being the correct words to use.

  13. Excuse me a second while I hide my nerd card. Okay, done. Now...

    Avatar was a waste of time. Screw the special effects and you have every other "taking what you have and fuck you" movie ever made, with a little environmentalism thrown in.

    I'm not a fan of Cameron, much like I'm detesting Tim Burton since he fucked up Sweeney Todd. Avatar was an excuse to go 3D, plain and simple. Waste of money. Can't wait to buy it for $3 in the previously-viewed bin at the grocery store in a few months.

    End Rant.

    Now...where the hell did I put that card?

  14. Here's my cent & a half worth of opinion...

    I'm just glad that Hollywood didn't fall for the U.S. is bad and save the environment crap that it usually goes for.

    BTW...I liked Avatar...alot. I was amazed at the 3D and the imagery...although I was drinking during the film...Oh, yeah & I like romaniticy kinda films, so the storyline, while not great, didn't bother me too much!

    Okay, I'm done...take my opinion with a grain of salt...I don't give a shit!

  15. that was my reaction IN the theatre. i turned to my friend and said, "did they have to pay kevin costner the rights to the script for 'dances with wolves' because this is a ripoff"

  16. Bolt should have won the award. That was ground-breaking film-making. Two words: Miley Cyrus. A career-making performance for sure.

  17. I am stealing the term Avatard, and I now have a secret crush on Nancy C. Oops, not a secret anymore, is it...

  18. World of Warcraft...

    You have an unusual award at my blog if you are interested Travis.

    Nothing to do with Avatar.

  19. I thought Avatar was hugely overrated. Plus 3D movies give me a headache. That's how lame I am.

  20. As a rule, I don't see anything that has words I do not understand in the title. Avatar??? WTF is that? I hate, hate, HATE sci-fi! In fact, I hate all movies that can NEVER, EVER occur in my real life. If I can't piss my pants from laughter, I ain't seeing it. And that's all I've got to say about that...

  21. I did see Avitar and like it. Not the best movie I ever seen (that would be Attack of the Killer Tomatoes) but I enjoyed it. I haven’t seen Hurt Locker yet, but plan on do so when I can.

    And I’m not up on the artsie-fartsie shit, but I don’t think judges have anything to do with the academy. I though everything was voted on by members of the academy, i.e. actors, directors, gay people and such.

  22. I saw most of the nominated shows.

    Including Avatar 3 times.

    I still don't understand half of what you were saying in this post.

    Too much nerd-speak.

    You being a former band geek and all.

  23. ROTFLMAO!!!

    I saw both movies, and loved them both. I think there should be a science fiction category. Inglorious Basterds was also awesome!! I was very surprised Avatar was nominated, even though I loved it. I would have preferred that new Star Trek film be nominated instead of Avatar.
    Oh well...

  24. ROTFLMAO!!!

    I saw both movies, and loved them both. I think there should be a science fiction category. Inglorious Basterds was also awesome!! I was very surprised Avatar was nominated, even though I loved it. I would have preferred that new Star Trek film be nominated instead of Avatar.
    Oh well...

  25. You know what? Fuck them all. Each and every one of them. And not lightly, either.

    Up was just as beautifully done as Avatar. Probably even moreso. Oh, and Up didn't suffer from a shitty story line, didn't look like an obvious rip-off of the Final Fantasy series, and wasn't a shove-it-down-your-fucking-throat political message.

  26. I've never even heard of Hurt Locker. I did see Blindside. I'm familiar with the others. I'm like Daffy. What's a movie?

  27. Thank you my friend. For making me laugh like a donkey and for writing the truth.

  28. Part of me was really hoping that once she was announced the winner, "The Hurt Locker" chick would've turned around and yelled "SUCK IT, CAMERON!!" before going up to collect her Oscar. Would've been amazing.
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