Who has two thumbs, a drawer full of big ass gold contacts, a WOW account, and hates The Hurt Locker?
Every fucking nerd in the country.
Avatar got passed over at the Oscars a couple of nights ago, and indignant sci-fi film experts everywhere have sounded off on numerous websites claiming that the loss was "political," and in the case of this brilliant mind named Rachel, even gay.
"The fact that Avatar didn't win is so stupid. It made use of the CSI technology, it had a groundbreaking message, and the fact that it didn't win every Cable Ace it was nominated for is despicable. The Hurt Locker was about a football team or something. How gay is that?"
Ahem. Someone get this chick a protractor and some algebra homework before she has a seizure.
My favorite response to this? It came from psycho7772: "Wtf, die in a fire...and know what something is about plz. kthnxbai." Classic.
Seriously though, folks. Yeah, it was the highest grossing movie of all time. Yeah, it had some cool special effects. Yeah, James Cameron makes good movies. Woo...it's in 3-D. So was Bolt, and that didn't take home one single Academy Award. And no, I haven't seen Avatar.
But guess what? I haven't seen The Hurt Locker either. But when my wife and I wrote down our picks for Best Picture, wanna take a crack at what we BOTH wrote down? Yep. The Hurt Locker.
The "Official Avatar Community on Typepad" had this to say: "How did you feel when Avatar didn't win best picture? I felt bad. But it doesn't make the movie bad. Avatar should have won all 9 Oscars by far. Stupid judges, they hate CG movies."
The only reply to this heartbreaking post? "May be this stupid judges are unable to see what is Avatar b.cz it's higher than their minds can see."
Right. Listen. Next year, someone get these bastards in the Academy. I know it's going to be hard for them, what with leaving their rooms for the first time in years, but I think we may be able to get them there if we tell them that Jessica Alba is waiting to give them a handjob, and they'll get +50 exp points for their Paladin.
Others have said that Avatar didn't win because it "showed the military as cowboys." Really? Was there a "YEEEEHAAAAA!" at the beginning of every fight scene? Were there six shooters? Did they have a token Indian riding along with a bow and arrow? Oh. They did? Well, that's my bad then.
This brings to mind another quote I read: "Avatar did win. 20 years ago when it was called Dances With Wolves."
Let's line this out. Your opinion doesn't count for shit because YOU'RE NOT ON THE FUCKING ACADEMY. If they let people like you on there, Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Kahn would still be winning Oscars, and filmmakers without a 847 billion dollar budget wouldn't even have a shot.
I wanted Inglorious Basterds to win everything. You don't see me bitching about it. For my money, Brad Pitt played a hell of character, and I was glad to see that ol Kristoff guy win one. I think Meryl Streep and George Clooney are just as overrated as the next pair of actors, but for sure, I'm not on www.ihavenolifeandmasturbatetoavatar.com fillin up the message boards about how the Academy hates CG films and whether or not James Cameron is really an alien and that's how he makes crazy movies.
Also, didn't he make Titanic? Didn't he win a shit ton of Oscars for that pile of manure? I say he owes us one. He needed to sit his happy ass down and let his ex-wife get recognized for filming a bunch of bombs going off with a Flip Video camera and 13 inch Macbook Pro. Probably wasn't even an HD Flip. I say kudos. Hell, she probably would have gotten his Oscar in some sort of divorce agreement.
And for the record, The Hurt Locker is NOT about a football team. Although, I do think that the girl from Precious and the kid from The Blind Side look a LOT alike.
So calm down, all you Avatards. Things will go back to normal, and next year you can bitch about the latest Harry Potter movie and how the Academy hates British novelists. And before you get all hateful and snooty in the comments, I just want to let you know, I will come to your house AND KICK YOUR ASS.
That's right. I'm bigger than you. And cooler. And really, that's just sad for you.
Hell, I want to watch Star Trek II now.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Nerds Every Where Pissed About "Hurt Locker" Win.
I'm a husband, father, son, brother, and friend. I teach English and Literature to the youth of today. I love Jesus and my mother, and I'll gladly introduce you to both. I love photography and writing. Duke basketball keeps me occupied for half the year, and hating Chapel Hill keeps me busy the other half. As you can tell from the title of my blog, I like stories. I'm a big guy with a big voice, trying desperately to be heard by someone before The Lord takes me home. Let's be best friends.