Thursday, March 11, 2010

TMI Thursday: The First Person To Say, "Sounds Like You Had A Shitty Day," Is Going To Get Donkey Punched.

Folks, it's TMI Thursday time with the one and only Lilu over at LivitLuvit. She wants me to do something "wholly unclassy" every Thursday, and I do my best to oblige her. If my contribution doesn't question your faith in humanity, then click that picture of those two old people having way more fun than you did last night. 


TMI Thursday

Today's story is about poop, because I know you sick bastards love poop stories the most. 

A lot of you don't know, but I used to work with some special education students. It was not a fun job, but it wasn't because of the students. It was the teachers I worked with. They were double crossing, back biting little rumor spreaders, and they hid it all under the guise of being exuberant, bible thumpin, pray over the kids everyday and speak in some tongues and try to see who can "outpray" the other others Pentecostals. 

The schedule worked on a rotation. Each day, each person would get a rather tough kid to deal with, and a relatively easy kid to deal with. You did things like take them to lunch, get them ready for naps, play games with them, annnnnnnnnnd...........bathroom time. 

If I told you to guess my least favorite time, it wouldn't take very long before one of you raised your hand and said, "Mr. Sloat? I think it's bathroom time." 

And then I'd put a gold star next to your name, pat you on the back, and send a report card home to your parents telling them that you liked to participate in class. 

One day, we all smelled something. 

That's right. THAT something. 

We had a shitter. A search was made around the room, and come to find out, the shitter was MINE. 

He hadn't just taken a normal sized dump in his pants, he had something the texture and color of really loose chocolate gravy running all the way down his legs, into his shoes, and into a sort of poop puddle around him. 

I told him not to move as I e Coli proofed myself. Gloves, mask, the works. 

Luckily the kid kept a spare set of clothes with him at all times. I walked him to the bathroom, sat him down on the toilet, told him to finish up, and I started working on cleanup. A couple minutes later, I was done, I walked back in the bathroom, had him get up, observed that there was NOTHING in the toilet, and started cleaning up the kid. 

I got him all cleaned up, and we put his new, clean and fresh pair of whitey tighties on. As I stood there, looking at his clothes trying to figure out how best to get him dressed, I see it. 

A little tendril of brown winding it's way down his leg like a muddy tributary finding it's way towards a river. 

Then another tendril. 

Then the assplosion. 

Folks, shit went EVERYWHERE. I had no idea this could come from such a little kid. I was dancing around in the bathroom, trying to dodge little shit tributaries, and cursing the name of the person who decided that the bathroom floor should run DOWNFUCKINGHILL. 

In the end, his mother was called. 

But not before the ladies told me that I had to clean him again, dress him again, and clean and sanitize this bathroom, which looked like a damn crime scene, only brown instead of red. Shit was in every last corner of that room. I was in there, and I don't know how I didn't get shit on me. 

Cleaning that up was one of the most humbling experiences of my life, and I'll never forget it. And the whole time I was doing it, each lady would take a turn walking by the bathroom, cluck her tongue, and say, "Oh this ain't nothin. This one time, I had a kid shit from the CEILING." 

I would call them all kinds of names in this post, but one of them is dead. The sad thing is, out of all three of them, she was the kindest and the least bitchy. 

There you go, folks. The story of how I cleaned up the Mississippi river of shit storms. 

36 comments:

  1. That's a typical Wednesday at my house.

    Vinyl floors are the key.

    That, and not feeding them laxatives but where's the fun in THAT?!

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  2. really funny and well written thanks. There's an award for you at the top right of my home page which says "your blog rocks" click to copy and paste if you accept it. I would email it but I don't know your address.
    Cheers
    Roly

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  3. You are much better than I. I would have been barfing in the sink. I don't know how I make it through having kids of my own.

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  4. I'd have been in another bathroom, a full sanitized bathroom, blowing chunks. Seriously. But, it does sound like you had a really.... ohhh you thought I was gonna say it, but I didn't. It's like I've got my finger an inch away from your arm and I'm mocking, "I'm not touching you."

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  5. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

    I love it when TMI Thursday stories actually make me gag. They so rarely do! Exceptional work. I'm going to go scrub my skin off in the shower now.

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  6. That is disgusting and just one more reason why I don't ever want to work with SpEd kids.

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  7. I am LOL at this!! Your description is priceless as usual!!

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  8. Welcome to parenthood. Only if they are on their back and you're holding the legs in the air to get a better wiping angle...shit projectiles...no worries about it getting on your shoes...justsayin

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  9. OMG . . . I needed a good morning laugh! Didn't y'all have a custodian? I would have been like, "Sorry, bathroom clean up duty isn't my job . . ." cause I'm a bitch that way.

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  10. LOL.
    EW. Double EW.
    But I totally understand this.

    I used to work in a hospital as a CNA (certified nurses assistant).

    It is REALLY bad when your patient is in bed, and you are cleaning his butt up and more shit comes out and just keeps coming....

    Brown gooey like gravy everywhere.

    It is a wonder I lasted for 3 years at the hospital.

    But I still wanna be a nurse someday. Still after all that brown stuff.

    Thanks for sharing...and making me LAUGH as usual.

    *I am posting you on my blogroll so I din't miss any of your posts anymore.*

    K?

    You rock. even though you make me gag sometimes.....Poo smells are the WORST.....

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  11. Just wait til you have toddler that uses a poopie diaper to paint his crib & walls and anything else within reach while during nap time.

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  12. That kid reminds me of a story my mom used to tell us about a kid aptly named "Fast Donald."

    Fast Donald was special ed, and since it was a small town, there was no shortbus.

    Fast Donald shit his pants daily, and his parents would pack him extra clothes.

    Fast Donald would sit at the back of the bus, the last three seats on either side of him empty.

    Mostly because he liked to swing his shitbag full of clothes, and he had about a three-seat accuracy.

    Fast Donald.

    Good times.

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  13. I would have just set the bathroom on fire and walked away.

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  14. I would DIE. That probably would've been the exact moment that I yelled "fuck this! I'm out" before sprinting out the door.

    *retch* Runny poo :(

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  15. you may have gotten poo on you AND JUST NEVER KNEW!

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  16. I feel for you, man.

    My dad has a job where he does this everyday. Every effing day. And he works with adults with disabilities, so sometimes he has to clean up their ejaculate, too.

    My dad--and everyone who works in jobs like these--is a fucking saint.

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  17. OMG! LOL

    My daughter (when in diapers and a wee fart; she would die if she knew I randomly tell ppl) was sitting on my lap and McD's in a sweet purple sun dress, when she exploded..I mean BOOM! Stunned and horrified I felt then saw the steam of creamy yet chunky liquid crap similar to lava pouring down my legs (bare leg since I was in shorts) It was in the middle of lunch hour...she is now 14 and I might recover...maybe after I tell the man she will marry someday.

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  18. OMG I'm dyin' over here! Lol dodging shit bombs?? The mental image was just too much!

    I used to work at a grocrey store and we had a mystery shitter in the womens bathroom. But it wasn't just a normal shitter who didn't flush the toilet...oh no! This nasty ass woman (whoever she was) would have assplosion's!! All over the walls, the toilet, the floor! Thank God I was the supervisor and all I had to do was figure out what poor sap I was gonna send in their to clean it lol!

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  19. OHemgee bleeechhhh pardon me while I retch over here in this corner of the comment closet.... OH man Travis bless your heart.. sainthood is yours.. poor kid probably couldn't help it and you at least didn't blow a gasket on him as some of these spec ed teachers do now a days...

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  20. Puhlease, if you didn't get shit all over you than clearly you have no idea what a shit storm really is. That's okay, I don't either. Thank God.

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  21. I would have shit myself ha ha ha!!!
    No? Okay then.
    That sounds absolutely awful, I am sorry, but don't you feel like a better person for cleaning it up and not making the kids feel bad?

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  22. That would have been the day I quit and walked out the door. I have to take enough shit at home without having to literally deal with it at work, too.

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  23. It sounds like you had one MONSTROUSLY shitty day, dude ... *snicker*

    What's a donkey punch, anyway?

    All smart-ass-ness aside, holy fucking cow, what a nightmare. 'Course I've never been a proponent of 'mainstreaming' kids like that. It's not fair to them, it's not fair to the other kids and it damnsure isn't fair to the teachers who get shit duty. There's no extra pay for shit duty last time I checked.

    On the bright side, there is nothing, and I mean N.O.T.H.I.N.G. that will faze you now should you and your Missus decide to have little Travvies. You've seen the worst and cleaned it up. Parenthood ought to be a breeze.

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  24. Funny! I like the word...assplosion...that fits a lot of things...and that situation.

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  25. I work as a Support Worker with the elderly, going into their homes, and I deal with this type of shit all the time. And it doesn't get any better. I have a horribly strong gag reflex and like one of your other commenters, I would have been in another bathroom puking my guts up.

    LOVED the way you told this story!

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  26. Thank you I needed to vomit before i went to sleep.

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  27. This reminds me of the 9 months I spent working at a nursing home.

    Some images you never get out of your head.

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  28. OH my GOD! LOL! GEEZ! You poor thing!

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  29. reminds me of potty training my twins. especially when they had a stomach flu they were passing back & forth. fun times.

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  30. There is just something deeply wrong about having to clean the bodily functions of any human being who someday will not take care of you in your old age.

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  31. It sounds like you had one MONSTROUSLY shitty day, dude ... *snicker*
    Work From Home

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  32. BAHAHAHA!!! I am only laughing because I worked in the same environment, and I COMPLETELY understand.

    COMPLETELY.

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  33. I've always said you are a good man, Travis. And you proved it once again by helping this young man out despite the most trying of circumstances.

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  34. Thank you for that lovely description. That is an image I have to poke out of my mind's eye. I can't believe you didn't get any shit on you. There's the silver lining!

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  35. Holy crappers! That must've been the mother of all shits!! Lucky it wasn't me...although I feel for ya.

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