Thursday, March 4, 2010

TMI Thursday: Yes I HAVE Almost Broken Both Legs While Masturbating.

Folks, it's TMI Thursday time with the one and only Lilu over at LivitLuvit. She wants me to do something "wholly unclassy" every Thursday, and I do my best to oblige her. If my contribution doesn't question your faith in humanity, then click that picture of those two old people having way more fun than you did last night. 


TMI Thursday

Some of you are saying, "There is no way he can mean that title literally." To those I say...read on.

I'm not one of those innocent guys whose never rubbed one out whilst looking at Japanese kittens cakes beef naked ladies on the internets.

I have done this. Many times. Only sometimes I change the prefix from "Japanese" to "redhead."

Shine and Mandy, you can keep reading. It's okay.

Anyspanking, this is a story about the one time my wife "caught" me, and it's also a story about how I almost broke both of my legs.

I'm sure you've all seen a keyboard bench. Here's a picture for those who haven't.


When The Missus and I tied the knot, that's what we had as our first computer chair. I was still a respectable kind of fat back in those days, and didn't weigh the approximate metric ton that I weigh now. A large part of my weight gain can be attributed to the fact that The Missus can deep fry ANYTHING, as well as the fact that I don't have to chase sex down anymore, it comes home to me. 

However, back in those days when the testosterone ran rampant and the urge could strike anytime, I used to wander back to the computer room, look up some pictures of big beautiful blond blowjobs on bad boys by the backyard (porn alliteration, FTW), grab a tissue and some lotion, and go to town. 

One day, The Missus left for work, and I got the notion. I was watching CMT or some shit, either way, one of the Dixie Chicks came on, (not the ugly one) and I felt a little twitch, and decided to follow through. 

I went back to the computer room, assumed the position, and started crankin. 

About halfway there, the bench decides it has had enough, and/or Jesus decides to humiliate me in front of my still (relatively) blushing bride. 

As I'm sitting on it, legs tucked underneath to keep out of the way of the money shot, (jizz on the leg is lame, just ask Frickineh) the bench gives out. Like, the legs just flatten. This leaves me in a rather awkward position: i.e. Big Travy in my hand and my legs DIRECTLY underneath me, heels touching my ass, supporting the weight that the bench has given up. Pretty much the LAMEST position a fat person can be in aside from the splits. 

And don't tell me that you're fat and can do the splits. I don't care, and neither does anyone else. That's just nasty. It's probably harder to get you off the floor than a sealed plunger on wood, and it probably makes the same noise. 

At the point where my legs almost broke, I rolled off to the side of the bench with it still trapped in between what I am sure at this point were paralyzed legs. I was SCARED. I'd just masturbated myself into paralyzation!  I'd been warned about blindness, but not this! 

Then, the icing on the cake. I'd just gotten my cash and prizes tucked away, and I was gaining feeling back in my legs, and...

...in the door walks my beautiful new bride. 

The porn is still up on the screen, the bench is broke, I'm dying but recovering and I'm still harder than a Braille Rubik's cube. There really wasn't much to say. 

And that is the day The Missus found out that newly married men will still masturbate. 

She had NO sympathy, and I caught all kinds of hell for breaking that bench.  

32 comments:

  1. roflmboooooooo OH OH OH *gimme a minute clearing the mental etch a sketch that is my brain and it's ability to visualize this scenario.. BWHAHAHAH OH that is hilarious.. see I wouldn't Have been mad at ya, I would have laughed my ASS off seriously and said next time pick somethign with a little more ability to rock like that lol. Just sayin'

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  2. If you're not paralyzed at least a LITTLE after masturbating, then you're doing it wrong.

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  3. Dude... it will fall off some day, you know that, right?

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  4. Classic but the Dixie chicks..... yuck.

    Love the embarrassment on top of embarrassment.. you have a stronger chair now?

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  5. I don't even know what to say...seriously, all thought has completely vanished....

    *snort* each time I think of someting to type out I dissolved into fits of laughter again...I've peed myself twice...

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  6. This is quite possibly the poster child story for TMI Thursday!

    ROFLMAO!!!!!

    ***Ally

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  7. Oh HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I can't even see the screen to know what I'm typing!! LMAO!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!! Shit! Whew! (Taking a deep breath here...)

    Just another one of your posts that made me laugh so hard I'm crying! LOL! My chest hurts, I'm heaving for air and OMG! LOL!

    OH Travis! You are something else! :)

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  8. Ok, the jerking it and getting caught is one thing, hilarious, but the image of the collapsed bench wedged under your thighs? Just. Gold.

    Too much to laugh at. I mean with. Laughing with you.

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  9. I'm pretty sure that if I walked in on my husband in that position, there is no way that I could be mad. Don't get me wrong, I'd probably laugh at him until I died, but I don't think I'd be mad...

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  10. This is why all of my jerking off is done either on a bed, or with four steady feet of a chair on the floor.

    Not to give too much away, but the wife sometimes downloads some of that naughty stuff, too, and I am forced--forced, I tell you!--to endure the pain of having to sit there with her.

    I know. It's rough.

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  11. Why?! Why do I have to be such a visual person?! LoL!!!

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  12. Ohmygosh. I'm surprised your wife has stayed with you all these years. No I'm not.. You are excellent entertainment.

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  13. Wow, Travis, you never disappoint when it comes to TMI Thursdays!

    Gross out, shock, horrify and amuse - yes. Disappoint - no.

    As for this statement (Only sometimes I change the prefix from "Japanese" to "redhead."), all I have to say is:

    Miss Clairol Suicide Blonde, stat!

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  14. LMAO, I wouldn't of had any sympathy for you either but I still would have laughed at ya.

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  15. hahahahaha! this is amazing.
    i so beat the hell out of my husband the first time i caught him workin' and jerkin' after we got married. I believe the words "I HAVE A PU**Y, A**HAT! YOU'RE WELCOME TO USE IT!" were screamed.

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  16. LMAO! I'm so glad you didn't demonstrate the story with visual aids...I think I might have peed my pants.

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  17. Forgive the typos; I'm laughing so hard I can't see. I'm pretty sure that my officemates are thinking I'm having a seizure.

    Thank you for this today; I really needed it.

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  18. Big Travy? Nearly masturbated into paralyzation?

    ROFLMAO!!! You rock, Big Travy!

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  19. Every time I think I know more about you then I would ever care to know...

    ...Tuesday comes 'round again.

    Thanks for that, Trav.
    It was magical.

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  20. When I write a movie based on your life - this is going to be the opening scene,

    I

    Smell

    Oscar

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  21. still harder than a Braille Rubik's cube. epic just epic!

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  22. OMG, that was great, so funny!

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  23. BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am not really sure I can speak yet I am laughing so hard.

    Oh boy. That was the funniest story EVER.

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  24. I have tried to write this comment 3 times, but each time I keep having to stop to either wipe away my tears or because I have been oercome with another fit of laughter. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not the master of your domain! :)

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  25. Doesn't it figure? The bench couldn't just break from you sitting on it to read email, it has to break when you're rubbing one out. My daughter had a trundle bed like that and I got my hand caught in it more times than I can remember. You're lucky it was just your legs....

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  26. Needless to say, we Snarklers have been discussing this post. And laughing a lot. I think it may be your best work.

    ;-)

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  27. Haha, that's awesome. Not the getting hell for it, but the entirety of the story.

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  28. So what you're saying is, if I see my husband lying in that position on the floor, I'll know he was up to no good.

    You're wife is an angel. She is going to HEAVEN. Just saying.....


    You are TOO funny!

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  29. wow.........

    omg.........

    knowing you and your wife........

    lol......

    all your followers here have no real idea the total calm and assured quietness of your wife....

    i agree this should be the opening scene of the movie version......

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