Some of you are saying, "There is no way he can mean that title literally." To those I say...read on.
I'm not one of those innocent guys whose never rubbed one out whilst looking at Japanese
I have done this. Many times. Only sometimes I change the prefix from "Japanese" to "redhead."
Shine and Mandy, you can keep reading. It's okay.
Anyspanking, this is a story about the one time my wife "caught" me, and it's also a story about how I almost broke both of my legs.
I'm sure you've all seen a keyboard bench. Here's a picture for those who haven't.
When The Missus and I tied the knot, that's what we had as our first computer chair. I was still a respectable kind of fat back in those days, and didn't weigh the approximate metric ton that I weigh now. A large part of my weight gain can be attributed to the fact that The Missus can deep fry ANYTHING, as well as the fact that I don't have to chase sex down anymore, it comes home to me.
However, back in those days when the testosterone ran rampant and the urge could strike anytime, I used to wander back to the computer room, look up some pictures of big beautiful blond blowjobs on bad boys by the backyard (porn alliteration, FTW), grab a tissue and some lotion, and go to town.
One day, The Missus left for work, and I got the notion. I was watching CMT or some shit, either way, one of the Dixie Chicks came on, (not the ugly one) and I felt a little twitch, and decided to follow through.
I went back to the computer room, assumed the position, and started crankin.
About halfway there, the bench decides it has had enough, and/or Jesus decides to humiliate me in front of my still (relatively) blushing bride.
As I'm sitting on it, legs tucked underneath to keep out of the way of the money shot, (jizz on the leg is lame, just ask Frickineh) the bench gives out. Like, the legs just flatten. This leaves me in a rather awkward position: i.e. Big Travy in my hand and my legs DIRECTLY underneath me, heels touching my ass, supporting the weight that the bench has given up. Pretty much the LAMEST position a fat person can be in aside from the splits.
And don't tell me that you're fat and can do the splits. I don't care, and neither does anyone else. That's just nasty. It's probably harder to get you off the floor than a sealed plunger on wood, and it probably makes the same noise.
At the point where my legs almost broke, I rolled off to the side of the bench with it still trapped in between what I am sure at this point were paralyzed legs. I was SCARED. I'd just masturbated myself into paralyzation! I'd been warned about blindness, but not this!
Then, the icing on the cake. I'd just gotten my cash and prizes tucked away, and I was gaining feeling back in my legs, and...
...in the door walks my beautiful new bride.
The porn is still up on the screen, the bench is broke, I'm dying but recovering and I'm still harder than a Braille Rubik's cube. There really wasn't much to say.
And that is the day The Missus found out that newly married men will still masturbate.
She had NO sympathy, and I caught all kinds of hell for breaking that bench.