Monday, June 7, 2010

A Fruity Letter, Then A Greasy One.

Dear Apple Juice,

As you dripped down my finger and onto my shirt this morning, I couldn't help but notice some things. You didn't stain my shirt, you didn't make me smell bad the rest of the day, and you didn't make me cuss really loud and swerve all over the road trying to hurriedly blot you with a napkin. Instead, I just kept eating the apple you came from, and I laughed a little at how much things have changed in my life. Thanks for the help in losing 66 pounds, and I have no doubt that you'll get me to under 300 this week. I love you, and I'll make sweet, sweet love to your core if that's what you want, I just need to clear it with The Missus.

Insulinlly Yours,


Dear Greasy and Turribly Fattening Breakfast Foods That Almost Ruined My Life and Ruined Several Shirts That Don't Fit Now Anyway Cause I'm Gettin Skinny,

Fuck you, and you can kiss my ass. You've been replaced by apple juice. Go ruin someone else's shirt, bitch. I totally did it with your sister, and she LOVED it. And I banged your mom.