Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Letter To All You Parents...

I want to preface this by saying that if you read this, and you say, "Wow, what a douche, he needs to realize...(insert idiotic thing I probably addressed here)." then you are who this letter is for. If you read this and say, "You know what? He's right, I have this problem," then you are also who this letter is for. If you read this and can genuinely say that you've never done any of these things, then you're cool, and I like you. But don't ruin it by sticking up for these other clowns.

Dear Parents,

My wife and I don't have any children.

We've tried, but to no avail. We're currently seeing doctors for this, and we hope to be closer to being pregnant before the end of the year.

So when you see us for the first time in a long time, and you say, "Hey! Why don't y'all have kids yet?!" don't be upset if we're a little curt with our reply. We've heard this hundreds of times, and we're a bit sick of it.

Also, to you idiots who tell people, "Just relax and stop thinking about it, you'll have tons of kids!" I really wish you'd fall off the face of the earth. Seriously? Have you had sex? Could you be any more relaxed afterwards? If you're not, then you're doing it wrong, and maybe I should be giving YOU advice. So shut up with your self-help bullcrap mumbo jumbo, okay?

This includes any "tips" that you have for us getting pregnant. No, we don't want to drink a bunch of Robitussin before sex. We also don't want to have sex at 10:34 on the second Tuesday of the month when the full moon has risen just past Orion and Venus is slightly visible in the West. 10:34 is past our bed time.

Also, to those who say, "Why don't you adopt? You'll have six kids right after, I knew these people..." While this is marginally better than the verbal crap that the first group of people spew, it is still stupid. Is this a medically documented experiment? Is there stone cold proof in books, on the internet, or in a pamphlet somewhere in a fertility clinic? No? I thought so.

For the record, we plan on adopting if this fertility experience doesn't go well. If we adopt and then get pregnant, I invite all of you who have told us this would happen to come back and rub it in my face. You can change a diaper while you're here.

And to all you people who are now saying "This guy is a douche. We're just trying to help." keep reading. I know you're trying to help. I know that if you don't open your mouth and say something that your brain is going to hurt, because all you really want to do is help. So here is a suggestion. Don't try to help. Just wish us luck or change the subject. Don't worry about trying to make us feel better.

Also, don't tell us that we're so lucky we don't have kids. That's probably the dumbest thing you could possibly say. "Oh, you guys are SO lucky. I have two kids, and I love them, but I wish I could go back to not having kids and enjoy being married again." What? You hate your life? We don't, and telling us we really don't want something that we, in fact, really do, just pisses us off more. So please shut up.

The second thing I have to talk about is a little more personal, because it happens to us a lot.

Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean we aren't capable of holding a baby, changing a diaper, feeding, or just all around in general taking care of a baby.

I had a situation like this happen just two days ago, and I'm still upset and offended. Of course, no one cares, because Travis is the big funny guy who gets over stuff quick, so there's no need to apologize.

We are capable of holding your child. I'm a pretty strong guy with really quick reflexes. We can handle spit up, pee pee, poop, and all those other nasty things that babies do. I have enough common sense to know when to stop bouncing them around on my knee, and I know when to dip their binky in Nyquil to get them to sleep. What? You can't do that? *gasp* You're kidding! See? I know you can't do that. And I never would.

Also, as much as I talk about throat chopping, I'm not going to actually throat chop your baby. I'm saving that as a special experience between me and my child, and I'm not going to waste any good ones on yours. See? Again, I know I can't throat chop a baby. I'm making fun of you now, just in case you didn't realize it. I'm not going to hurt your child.

In fact, because I don't have children of my own, it makes me a lot more careful with your baby. I drive 30 MPH slower when I have my niece in the car, and I for sure get more mad at idiot drivers.

So the next time I offer to hold your child and you look around nervously before handing them over, this letter is for you. If you look at me or my wife and say, "Do you know how to mix feed and change diapers?" This letter is for you. We're cool. You can trust us. We aren't going to drop little Junior, and we aren't going to somehow lose him in a game of high-stakes poker where we've just lost our house and car.

If this letter in any way offended you, it was probably aimed at you. I hope maybe you can see through the fact that I used ridiculous metaphors and strong words and see that all I really want you to do is look at it through our side.

Yes, we will be defensive about our child(ren). But we won't make others feel bad because they don't have any yet, and we won't make them feel inadequate when they want to hold or babysit our child(ren). All we're asking is that you extend that same simple courtesy towards us, and keep your advice and "tips on getting pregnant" to yourselves.


The Sloats


  1. So...ummm....how about this weather we're having?

  2. Say the word, dude, and I'll gladly give you the two I have.

  3. Oh Travis...Good Luck. You guys must be going through hell.

  4. Travis, you never fail to make me laugh! Hope this fertility stuff goes well for you two! I'm sure you will be amazing (and hilarious) parents!

  5. Honey, I hear ya. I don't know why people think its their business to even ask that question, much less give advice, or worse, blather on about other people's experiences until you get that pre-stabby eye twitch. I've had people tell me, "Time's running out...what are you waiting for?" Jeebus. Would you ever say to an older person, you know, you really should take that trip to the Grand Canyon, you could be dead in a year!

    And I also have never been asked to babysit my nephew, despite being 1) an EMT and 2) having been a camp counselor for four years. Yeah, I've done infant CPR, and I've taken boatloads of seven year olds on a Chesapeake tributary without drowning one of them, but I am childless so I just may let yours play with a blowtorch.

  6. First of all NEVER give up hope NEVER.. if God can allow a 90 yr old woman to get pregnant ( although I am sure you don't want ot wait till your 90 lol, I wouldn't) He can move in this as well.. Praying for y9ou both that you get blessed with the child you so want and would be such awesome parents to..

  7. Been there done that, it worked. I wish you all the luck in the world. Don't give up hope.

  8. Good luck Travis! Hope it all works out real soon....mostly cuz I think having a baby will bring you even more blog fodder....which we all know will result in entertaining your readers. I mean....will bring you and your wife incredible happiness and fulfillment...

  9. A-to-the-freakin'-MEN, Travis!

    While we haven't been trying for children, I've gotten a little tired of hearing "are you on the baby track?", "have you started trying?" and "when can we expect the first little one?" from everyone on earth - parents (except for mine - they're cool like that), aunts, cousins, grandparents, co-workers, facebook friends, blah, blah, blah.

    Look, folks, we've been married for less than a year. We just bought a house. We're in student loan debt up to our eyeballs from both of our forays into grad school. I hate my job. My husband doesn't really love his. My 22-year-old sister is currently living with us. I love Happy Hour - A LOT. Sometimes I forget to feed my dog. What part of that says "ready for babies" to you?

    When we start boinking for babies, I'll be sure to take out an ad in the paper to let y'all know - since it's, apparently, everyone's business.

    PS - Best of luck to you and the Missus :)

  10. you may have just given me something to add to my annoying pet peeves blog posts lol

    btw i think its eerily disrespectful for folks to say things like that. its not their business they should stfu

  11. OMFG!!!!!

    I wish wish wish wish I had written something like this when the Hubs and I were trying the first time! (it took us 7 years, but got there!)

    People coming up to us...'"when are the babies coming?" or worse, "you had enough time to yourselves, have babies already!!" Ay, DIOS MIO! I could have busted a lip or two!

    As far as adopting, I confess, we had a few adoption agencies lined up and everything because we sort of just wanted to be prepared. We were determined to have a child one way or another in 2009!

    Wouldn't you know it, I got pregnant in Jan of 2009!

    All that "stop trying and relax" pisses me off so bad!! We never relaxed! everytime I was ovulating we would try and do it as much as we could! He literally took days off to f*ck me all day long! Or he would fly me up to wherever it was that he was working during my ovulation week. Yep...we wanted a baby that bad!

    I wish you and The Missus lots of good luck and fertile days!!! Keep trying!! Ovulation kits help a lot with the tracking of those fertile days!!
    (I know you didn't want any advice..sorry..those helped me determine when to have sex for sure!!)

  12. OMG . . . I SO feel you on this one . . . Apparently because we're a gay couple we: 1) Don't know how to take care of breeder's kids and 2) Can afford to have the nice things we have cause we don't (MORE LIKE CAN'T SINCE WE DON'T COME WITH FUCKING OVARIES) have kids. Thanks for this. I hate that I can't have kids either and marriage OR adoption isn't even freakin' legal for us in California. So yea. I feel you.

  13. Well said. I'm sorry that there are so many @$$holes out there who give you that look or ask you that question. I don't like it when I'm asked about 'trying for another.' ** I think: Do I ask YOU how many times you and your spouse/partner/self have sex in a week or month? Naw, I've got better sh!t to worry about. Now MYOB. I SAY: We'll see ...** so I'm proud of you for this post! I wish you luck on your journey to fatherhood, and to your wife, as well!

  14. Dude. I loves you and your wifey, man! Best of luck! I hope it happens soon for you. I swear I do! You will be awesome sauce as a daddy! I just know it! A sense of humor is crucial. When someone starts giving you shit, just ask them if you can borrow their ovaries/testicles...that ought to shut them up! :P

  15. Thank you for writing what some of us would like to say! Infertility is a tough road and only someone that has traveled that path can understand what you are really going through. Best of luck to you and your wife.

  16. I think you just satisfied so many people out there that thought the same thing! Right on, Travis!!

    I wish you nothing but luck my friend. And best wishes. :)

  17. I love you even more now, Travis! I might start stalking your house at odd hours. Hope that's all right with you and the Missus. ;)

    It took us five years to have our first baby. I took herbs, charted, and finally moved on to Clomid tablets, Gonal-F injections, and both of those together. I had a grand total of 11 failed IUIs (if you're doing the doctor thing, I'm pretty sure I don't have to explain that). Finally, at the age of 23, my doctor told me that I'd never be able to have a baby without the help of IVF - and even that was hit-or-miss.

    You know what? Now we have THREE babies. All conceived 100% naturally, no drugs or anything, despite the gloomy prognosis. But it wasn't any amount of "relaxing" or crawling into the backseat of the car after downing a fifth of Jack - none of that stuff makes ovaries function or sperm more potent.

    I still don't know what magic switch flipped for me, why my body suddenly decided it was okay to start having babies. It's a mystery, but that's okay ... I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

    Hang in there and keep looking forward, one cycle at a time. Your day will come, and you & the Missus will be better parents because you appreciate the value of such a gift. :)

  18. Seriously? Someone didn't want you to hold their baby? Good grief, I handed mine to anyone (well, anyone I knew anyway, not the crazy lady on the street corner) willing to take the load off me for a while, kids or no kids.

    I took fertility drugs to get pregnant. I've got two relatives that adopted after fertility problems. And I've got friends who simply chose not to have kids. But they love my son and can watch him anytime they want. (Except he's 15 now and would take offense to that.) :-) I would never have asked any of them why they didn't have kids yet or even pretended to give them advice on getting pregnant.

    You hold onto those throat chops. You guys will be great parents some day.


  19. Good luck to you Travis. You just have to remember, there are a LOT of people out there who open their mouths BEFORE engaging their brains!

  20. I am praying that you and Alicia have success with the infertility specialists! I know how much stress that can bring to a marriage!

    Lots of love and positive energy being sent your way!!

  21. Good luck to you and the gorgeous Alicia...it's hard when you want the kiddies and it doesn't happen. When it does, it'll be the most gorgeous and funniest kid ever. Keep trying!

  22. Can I just add that the parents of babies who died feel much the same way re: "we won't hurt your baby"? One of my cousins seems terrified to let me even look at her baby because mine was stillborn a month after hers was born healthy. I don't know what she's scared of, it's not like it's contagious!

    Great post :)

  23. Oh, I agree with every word. I actually had someone say to me the other day when they found out I had no children (yet?), "Why aren't you at home ****ing your man then?" Wow. Sensitive much?

  24. Good luck guys, however you guys go about having them, your kids will be lucky.

  25. Wow what an interesting post. I can understand where your coming from. People do feel the need to "help" when they find out about your situation. You could always just stick your nose in the air when they ask and say its none of your business! Do you know when its the hardest? when you meet someone for the first time and you do the conversation - where do you work, are you married, do you have kids? I think you should come up with some other conversation topics to avoid this situation in the future. I wish you and your partner lots of luck and all the best.

  26. travis,

    this made me cry.....because i've been there. i am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and if you ever want to talk, you have my digits (don't you?). unless you've been there, you don't understand.

    infertility sucks donkey dick.

  27. -->Best of luck to you and your wife. (Has she tried acupuncture?)

    Also, before I had a kid and was asked the same question, I used to say, "we're just practicing." It usually made the person laugh or they were uncomfortable enough to not have a follow-up question.

  28. People have no idea what some of us have to go through to create a family.

    Good luck to you both. We were there just 6 years ago and it hurt like hell.


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