Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Letter To All You Parents...

I want to preface this by saying that if you read this, and you say, "Wow, what a douche, he needs to realize...(insert idiotic thing I probably addressed here)." then you are who this letter is for. If you read this and say, "You know what? He's right, I have this problem," then you are also who this letter is for. If you read this and can genuinely say that you've never done any of these things, then you're cool, and I like you. But don't ruin it by sticking up for these other clowns.

Dear Parents,

My wife and I don't have any children.

We've tried, but to no avail. We're currently seeing doctors for this, and we hope to be closer to being pregnant before the end of the year.

So when you see us for the first time in a long time, and you say, "Hey! Why don't y'all have kids yet?!" don't be upset if we're a little curt with our reply. We've heard this hundreds of times, and we're a bit sick of it.

Also, to you idiots who tell people, "Just relax and stop thinking about it, you'll have tons of kids!" I really wish you'd fall off the face of the earth. Seriously? Have you had sex? Could you be any more relaxed afterwards? If you're not, then you're doing it wrong, and maybe I should be giving YOU advice. So shut up with your self-help bullcrap mumbo jumbo, okay?

This includes any "tips" that you have for us getting pregnant. No, we don't want to drink a bunch of Robitussin before sex. We also don't want to have sex at 10:34 on the second Tuesday of the month when the full moon has risen just past Orion and Venus is slightly visible in the West. 10:34 is past our bed time.

Also, to those who say, "Why don't you adopt? You'll have six kids right after, I knew these people..." While this is marginally better than the verbal crap that the first group of people spew, it is still stupid. Is this a medically documented experiment? Is there stone cold proof in books, on the internet, or in a pamphlet somewhere in a fertility clinic? No? I thought so.

For the record, we plan on adopting if this fertility experience doesn't go well. If we adopt and then get pregnant, I invite all of you who have told us this would happen to come back and rub it in my face. You can change a diaper while you're here.

And to all you people who are now saying "This guy is a douche. We're just trying to help." keep reading. I know you're trying to help. I know that if you don't open your mouth and say something that your brain is going to hurt, because all you really want to do is help. So here is a suggestion. Don't try to help. Just wish us luck or change the subject. Don't worry about trying to make us feel better.

Also, don't tell us that we're so lucky we don't have kids. That's probably the dumbest thing you could possibly say. "Oh, you guys are SO lucky. I have two kids, and I love them, but I wish I could go back to not having kids and enjoy being married again." What? You hate your life? We don't, and telling us we really don't want something that we, in fact, really do, just pisses us off more. So please shut up.

The second thing I have to talk about is a little more personal, because it happens to us a lot.

Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean we aren't capable of holding a baby, changing a diaper, feeding, or just all around in general taking care of a baby.

I had a situation like this happen just two days ago, and I'm still upset and offended. Of course, no one cares, because Travis is the big funny guy who gets over stuff quick, so there's no need to apologize.

We are capable of holding your child. I'm a pretty strong guy with really quick reflexes. We can handle spit up, pee pee, poop, and all those other nasty things that babies do. I have enough common sense to know when to stop bouncing them around on my knee, and I know when to dip their binky in Nyquil to get them to sleep. What? You can't do that? *gasp* You're kidding! See? I know you can't do that. And I never would.

Also, as much as I talk about throat chopping, I'm not going to actually throat chop your baby. I'm saving that as a special experience between me and my child, and I'm not going to waste any good ones on yours. See? Again, I know I can't throat chop a baby. I'm making fun of you now, just in case you didn't realize it. I'm not going to hurt your child.

In fact, because I don't have children of my own, it makes me a lot more careful with your baby. I drive 30 MPH slower when I have my niece in the car, and I for sure get more mad at idiot drivers.

So the next time I offer to hold your child and you look around nervously before handing them over, this letter is for you. If you look at me or my wife and say, "Do you know how to mix feed and change diapers?" This letter is for you. We're cool. You can trust us. We aren't going to drop little Junior, and we aren't going to somehow lose him in a game of high-stakes poker where we've just lost our house and car.

If this letter in any way offended you, it was probably aimed at you. I hope maybe you can see through the fact that I used ridiculous metaphors and strong words and see that all I really want you to do is look at it through our side.

Yes, we will be defensive about our child(ren). But we won't make others feel bad because they don't have any yet, and we won't make them feel inadequate when they want to hold or babysit our child(ren). All we're asking is that you extend that same simple courtesy towards us, and keep your advice and "tips on getting pregnant" to yourselves.


The Sloats