Wednesday, September 15, 2010

On The Adoption Process...

So we have our first home visit tonight from DHS. They want to poke around the place, make sure my "Knives of the World" chandelier is put up, check to see if we have little plastic thingys in all our electrical outlets, make sure the cords are wrapped up tight as to not choke little ones, and...get this. They are checking to make sure we have a fire extinguisher.

Listen y'all. I'm not a hero. If a fire springs up that I can't douse with a good helping of baking soda, I'm going to grab the PS3, both TVs, my cell phone, my Duke shirts, and maybe some underwear, and I'm going to Costanza my way out of that house faster than you admonish me for doing so. Let me ask you this. How many of YOU have a fire extinguisher in your house?

How many of YOU had to have a home visit before you got pregnant?

How many of YOU took a 27 hour class before you had your kids?

How many of YOU had to fill out a 13 page application that forced you to answer questions about what type of handicaps would be acceptable in a child? That's right. I wish you ALL had to look at that form. I wish you ALL had to answer those questions. Looking at your spouse and checking no on "right arm broken above the wrist but not below the elbow on the outside." It's stupid. Why can't we just have a kid? All we want to do is make someone's life a little better.

I understand there are double standards, and I know it seems like I'm bitter about them. I also know I'm putting you mothers who've had kids in a tough spot, because it seems like I'm calling you out about stuff. Rest assured, I'm not. I'm simply showing you all that there is another side, and I think that a good portion of you probably take having your own kids for granted.

Yeah, I get that some people might want to take advantage of the "financial benefits." I put that in quotes, because the thought of someone adopting a child so they can get a 20 dollar check in the mail every month is STUPID. You hear that? If you've adopted a child for the money, I'm calling you STUPID. You're also sick and twisted, and you're the reason why I'm having to jump through hula sized hoops to get a kid.

Do you know how much I weigh? I get about halfway through a hula hoop, and I get stuck. It sucks. And it's your fault, you douche.

So we bought a fire extinguisher. I even looked at the instructions. I've let The Missus answer a lot of the questions, although there was one in particular, "What would you do if you caught your child masturbating?" that she let me handle. How do you answer that question, folks? I mean, I know what my mother would have done, and I'm pretty sure that's not legal in most states. I think they call it "murder one."

So that's where we're at. We're filling out forms and trying to make the house look good, I'm pretty sure The Missus has vacuumed 34 times in the last 3 days. She's made blind cords shorter. I weed-eated the yard. I washed my truck. She has bleached anything with a non-porous surface in the house. We make the bed in the morning. I've tried to stop leaving dishes everywhere. We've got chemicals put up and emergency numbers written down. All so someone can come in tonight and tell us that if we try just a little bit harder, we'll get the chance to give a kid a life they never would have had.

Meanwhile, Susie and Joe Methhead are down the street, pumping out kids that are disabled and won't have parents by the time they turn 5, and I'm stuck making the decision to say that 5 is too old for us, we'd like a younger child without any drug dependencies please.

Try sleeping at night after making that decision. Try picking a child like you'd pick a basketball team on the playground. And for those of you who HAVE done it? How did you justify it to yourself? Because I'm having one heck of hard time with it.

To the future Sloat child that God has picked for our home, if you ever read this, please know that your mom and I struggled, but in the end, we picked you because we already loved you. You were the perfect fit for us.

Now excuse me, I've got to start working on saying "lovingly discipline" instead of "throat chop."


  1. For the record what you are doing is great and amazing! You and the Missus will be amazing parents.

    But seriously...when did 'throat chop' become unacceptable? Man, gotta re-write my parenting book...again.

  2. Dude. Seriously.

    If you're in the market for a 9 year old white girl, I've got just the one for you.

    Little shit.

  3. Ooooh ... good luck tonight! I know you guys will do fine.

    For the record, I wholeheartedly agree. The people who would make the best parents are so often the ones who have to go through hell and back to get them - while the va-jay-jays of third-generation welfare junkies seem to have no problem shooting 'em out like Pez.

    Go figure.

  4. I work in a hospital in a low-income area and could not agree with you more...some woman came in the other day with 7 - SEVEN - children who all looked like they were under the age of 7. She couldn't keep them under control, they were climbing everywhere and screaming while she did nothing but smack them around, throw them into chairs and tell them to 'shut the fuck up.' I had to call our social worker to come out and tell her to stop before we put in calls to the local social services office...

    Oh, and she was probably about 6 months pregnant.

    Just sad. I really wish the best for you guys. Keep jumping through the hoops - it'll be so worth it in the end :)

  5. I totally hear ya, Travy. It is amazing to me the flaming hoops people have to go thru to give a child a home when there are millions of idiots that can't take care of themselves that pop them out for another welfare check. I will keep you and The Missus in my prayers. Throat chop discipline or loving guidance be damned, I know you will be a good daddy!

  6. I have three, actually. Then again, I'm a paranoid motherfucker.

  7. Good luck tonight. You and the Missus should just be yourselves. Oh wait. Is that good advice or not? Kidding. Good luck.

  8. I don't envy you the process. I've heard about it from other adoptive parents and it sounds draining and exhausting. I wish you the best of luck.

    In the meantime, I bet your house is SO CLEAN. Lucky buggers.

  9. "To the future Sloat child that God has picked for our home, if you ever read this, please know that your mom and I struggled, but in the end, we picked you because we already loved you. You were the perfect fit for us." Travis you and Alicia would make awesome parents and if that stupid social worker can't see that then to hell with her. It is sad that you and other people like you have to go through all this shit, but it will be all the more worth it when you're taking your son to what will possibly be his first basketball game or when Alicia is signing your little girl up for ballet classes.

  10. I don't mean to sound all Dictator-y, but I think everyone should have to go through this process before having children. The world would have a lot less problems.

    PS - You get $20/month for adopting a kid? Really?

  11. $20 a month is like 8 $5 footlongs from Subway. Math was not our best subject. Good luck on the adoption process. We know it's a pain.

    We wanted to say how much we love your blog!

  12. I totally agree with you!! Try not to stress too much!! I am sure you will do fine!!

  13. how did it go? You are spot on about the double standards.

    And I have to know---was there really a question in there about what you'd do if you caught your child masturbating? oh my.

    YOu will be great. I have a feeling about it.

  14. Just like, adopt me. I'm 26, self sufficient, don't need to change my diaper (unless I get drunk).

    Let's do it!

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