Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Whip My Hair, and Why Music Sucks Now, Vol. 5.

PLEASE READ THE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM!


Some of you may be familiar with my "Why Music Sucks Now" line of posts. For those of you that are new here or are unfamiliar because you stopped looking at my blog a long time ago, the basic gist is this: music now is pretty much terrible, and it makes me want to vomit.

Kid Funk said something to me when Obama was elected. I said, "Well, it's a black president, what do you think his odds are of being assassinated?" KF replied, "I hope that doesn't happen. I don't want my generation to be remembered for killing their president."

Wise words.

However, I don't want to be a generation that is remembered for Justin Beiber, Nickleback, or Lady Gaga. (even though I kind of like her) A new addition to this pile of filth was thrust upon me the other day as I was creeping my way through Twitter. A link was shared. A link that had a common place name in it. A name that I respect, not only for his music, but for his fine cinematic skills as well. That name was Will Smith.

You can say what you want, but I am a Will Smith fan. He's a clean-ish rapper who is still entertaining, he has beats that make me want to shake my money maker, and he has killed a lot of aliens all while keeping our planet safe from impending doom. Plus, I'm pretty sure there isn't a person alive who can't finish, "Now this is a story all about how my life got twisted turned upside down." Am I right? You finished it, didn't you? Yep. I'd just about bet that you had co-workers finish it with you.

So when I heard his son had a song, I was intrigued. I haven't seen the new Karate Kid, mostly because I consider it sacrilege and heresy. But I thought I'd give the song a chance. So I clicked.

I was bombarded with the following:



I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth

Hop up out the bed turn my swag on
Pay no attention to them haters cuz we whip em off
and we aint doing nothing wrong
so dont tell me nothing, i'm just tryna have fun
so keep the party jumping

so whats up (yea)
And i'll be doing what to do
we turn our back
and whip our hair and just shake them off
shake them off, shake them off,shake them off

Don't let haters keep me off my grind
Keep my head up i know i'll be fine
Keep fighting until i get there
When i'm down and i feel like giving up

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth

I'ma get more shine than a little bit
Soon as i hit the stage applause im hearing it
whether its black stars black cars im feeling it
but can't none of them whip it like i do
I, i gets it in mmmm yea i go hard
when they see me pull up i whip it real hard
i whip it real hard,real hard,i whip it real hard

Don't let haters keep me off my grind
Keep my head up i know i'll be fine
Keep fighting until i get there
When i'm down and i feel like giving up

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/whip-my-hair-lyrics-willow-smith.html ]

I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (ok, ok just whip my hair)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth

All my Ladies if you feel me
do it do it whip your hair
Dont' matter if its long, short
do it do it whip your hair

All my Ladies if you feel me
come on do it do it whip your hair
Dont' matter if its long, short
do it do it whip your hair (your hair, your hair)

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip my hair)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip my hair)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip my hair)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)

I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip...


I want to start out by pointing something out. There are 100 lines in this song. 69 of those lines contain the words, "I whip my hair." I don't profess to be a musical genius. I'm not, y'all. However, I'm pretty sure that if I wrote a song in which 4 words made up 70% of the song and handed that song to someone off the street, I'd be shot. And I'd expect it. And deserve it. And thank them after. 
Other than that, there are a few things I think Mr. Willow did not fully consider when writing this song. 


1. Lawsuits. I really think there will be a seriously backlash (ha) in the legal arena. Aside from this parrot, (click that. just do it) I don't think anyone ever in the history of time can whip their hair back and forth for 4 minutes without causing irreparable damage to their brain stem and/or lower back. What about kids dancing to this in the car? It will make a good many parents think their child is having a grand mal seizure and they will kill everyone on the road trying to pull their SUV over to check on little Timmy. That's on you, Willow. That's on you. 


2. The constant addressing of his "haters." Willow, you're like 5. You don't have haters. You might have a kid that took your remote control car in the park last weekend, but you and I both know your dad bought you another one. Probably bought you a life size remote control car. Either way, you don't have haters. Not yet. Your dad has haters. They're called "real black people." Wait a while, you'll understand it. 


3. Stop talking to the ladies.  Once again, you're 5. Or 6. Or 10, or whatever. Doesn't matter. Your balls haven't dropped, so stop talking to the ladies. Plus, I'm going to be real honest here, all that hair whippin you're doing is probably going to affect the amount of lovin you get when you finally get old enough. You're gonna be like, "I'm Willow Smith, I'm Big Will's kid." And the ladies are going to say, "The Whip My Hair kid? No thanks, we're going to go gang bang that Beiber guy." Seriously. You're worse than Beiber right now. Little Bow Wow was throwing up gang signs and smoking weed when he was your age. Go do that, then try to get NWA back together. Then the ladies will "feel" you. 


4. That applause you think you're hearing on stage? Yeah. It's tinnitus. It's caused by all that whippin you're doing. 


5. Stop telling chicks it's cool to have short hair. Yeah dude, I don't want The Missus hearing that crap. I like her hair long, and I don't want it short. If she hears this cute black kid saying it's cool for it to be short, and then she cuts her gorgeous hair off, I'm coming after you. I don't care what degree black belt you are, you're 6 years old. I can beat you up. I'm pretty sure I can beat up your dad, too. I don't think he'd be much without CGI. Your mom though, woo. Wasn't she a lesbian in that one movie with Queen Latifah? Could be wrong. Either way, I want to bang your mom. 


That pretty much wraps it up, your lyrics really tell people how dumb the song is. If that doesn't do it, they can just watch the video and see you paint a classroom with your locks. I thought it was dumb. I don't think I'm alone. Why not just cover all your dad's old songs? Right now, just hit the studio in your room (I know you have one, don't lie) and start with "You know parents are the same no matter time nor place." That would be legit, and also pretty ironic. Good luck, and here's to you not making music suck anymore.


UPDATE: So apparently, Willow Smith is a girl. I had no idea Will Smith had a daughter, although I really had a weird feeling when writing this. I thought his kid Jaden had this stage name Willow or something. I am refusing to rewrite any of this blog to make me look less dumb. You may all proceed to laugh at me, although it doesn't change the fact that the song is stupid too. So there. *sticks tongue out