Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Why I'm Beginning To Hate Star Trek.

There are a few people who stopped reading at the title, loudly exclaimed, "HERESY!" to no one in particular, closed the window abruptly and stopped following me on every form of social media they could.

To those people I say: "I hate you, and your breath smells like rotten cabbage."

Shh...they'll never know I said that. Cause they stopped following...see? Never mind.

When I was a small kid, my dad loved Star Trek TNG. My mom hated it, and she hated the fact that my dad watched it. It got so bad that one night I walked in the living room where my dad was watching it, and I started crying. He asked me what was wrong, I told him he was watching a bad show and he shouldn't be. He then told me it was an awesome show, and I instantly became a fan. Then when he stopped watching it, I picked it up and had to work out a deal with my mom where I got to watch it every other night while it was in syndication on UPN.

So why am I starting to hate it now?

Mostly because all of the cool stuff it promised us. You might be saying to yourself, "Travis, what exactly did they PROMISE us?" The truth is, it was never a spoken promise. It was a subliminal message of better things to come, and they haven't gotten here yet, and I've got to tell you, I'm being inconvenienced over here in Oklahoma, and that just won't fly.

So here's the list of wicked cool stuff we were unconsciously promised by Star Trek: The Next Generation.

1. World Peace - Okay, so I'm pretty sure I've given up on this, simply because I think it's mostly Jesus' job. However, just a LITTLE bit of world peace would be pretty cool. I'm tired of hearing about those poor Jews over there trying to defend themselves constantly, and then you have the "War on Terror" where we've solemnly sworn to take every last BB gun from any country sittin on the ol' black gold, which is surprisingly NOT a euphemism for Dr. Dre's #1 records. I want world peace as much as the next guy, but truth be told the only time that's going to happen is when the zombies have killed everyone. Zombie peace, FTW!

2. Transporters - Listen. This is getting old. The last 3 weeks of my life have been filled with road construction. It used to take me 30 minutes to get to work, now it takes 45-60 minutes, and I'M FRICK FRACKING TIRED OF IT. Meanwhile, Star Trek people are zipping to and from galaxies with the ease of pushing a button, and aside from a little transporter hiccup every 10th episode, things are just peachy. And for sure, I wouldn't mind taking the risk of becoming a randomly shifting group of particles flowing throughout the universe. Heck, that's gotta be pretty cool anyway. I'd just spend my days quietly coalescing in a corner. (Yes, that was a Hitchhikers Guide reference) But anyway, I want a transporter. I'm looking at you, scientists.

3. Food Replicators - In all seriousness, I shouldn't even have to explain this one. Step one: your stomach growls. Step two: you walk to your wall. Step three: you say, "Hey thingy, make me a sammich." Step four: "What kind of sandwich would you like?" Step five: carefully consider your options. Step six: order a Reuben, because they are effing awesome. Step seven: a Reuben sammich comes to life before your very eyes, made with the most tender beef and tartest sauerkraut to every tantalize your taste buds. Step eight: order a beer to go with it. Step nine: you aren't hungry anymore. Those nine steps take 30 seconds with a food replicator, and they take 2 1/2 hours if you're dealing with a retard at the local fast food place, and the sauerkraut isn't even that tart.

4. Holodecks - Again, something I shouldn't even have to explain. "Holodeck, I need Megan Fox, naked, with better thumbs and in the mood for some hot lovin and a tolerance for premature ejaculation." A couple of beeps later and you're having the time of your life. You know what? Scratch everything else on this list. If just the holodeck gets invented, I'm pretty sure everything else would fall into place. "Listen, these guys want to go to war with someone." "Well, put em in the holodeck." There's your world peace.

5. Tricorders - I think we currently have all the things a tricorder could do, but all of those things are really big, and if you put them together on one device, I'm pretty sure you'd need something the size of Rhode Island to carry it in. Plus it would really slow you down when you needed to whip it out fast to check out something suspicious like a random rock or tree. Let's make these machines smaller, and put them on a cell phone.

6. Communicators - I like cell phones better. Comms didn't even give you a choice if you wanted to answer. It beeped, you were live. Unless you got some sort of alien force field to mess it all up. I'll stick with an "FU" button, thanks.

7. Klingons - You want to meet one, I want to meet one, we all want to see one fight in the UFC cage match. $6,000.00 for pay per view? I think so.

8. Better Health Care - If Obama wants to impress me, he needs to come up with a healthcare plan that involves a hot ginger doctor holding up a painted white out container with flashing lights on it that makes me skinny, THEN make it free. I'll vote for that. Twice.

9. Phasers - How many of us would honestly use stun? Vaporization is where it's at.

10. Hot Android on Human Action - Eight words say it all: "I am fully functional, programmed in multiple techniques."

Things I DON'T WANT from Star Trek:


1. The Borg
2. Cardassians
3. Hot female counselors who know when I'm lying
4. Space-Time continuums
5. The Borg