Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Hide Yo Blog, Hide Yo Facebook; Dey Message Rapin Urrbody Out There.

Did I just use a pop culture reference to describe what has turned into a potential serious situation?

Yes I did.

Some of you read my blog yesterday. Others didn't. If you didn't, this one won't make sense, so go back and read up. Also, read my blogs on time from here on out, then you won't have homework, doucher.

So I get a Facebook message last night. It reads:

"Obviously you need the part in the bible that says Thou shall not LIE! You need to be careful what you say about others! The rath of GOD is much worse!"


Me being the classy guy I am, I responded.


"That's all well and good, but do I know you?"


From there it disintegrated into a pish posh of her threatening me with stuff like:


"You have know idea who I am or who you're messing with! Don't say I didn't warned you! So I think it's time you stop it!"


"Ok that's fine keep diggin that hole! Just tryin to help ya! Sorry!"


"Now it sounds like you can't handle someone commenting on what you write about people! Uuuummm! Maybe you should think before you speak! Oh and I told you sorry! Won't try and help anymore! Just FYI!"


So yeah. That's how I spent my night. Responding to vague threats from a 33 year old "Christian" mother who drives a vehicle suspiciously like the one that I had the altercation with yesterday. I asked things like, "How deep am I allowed to dig?" and "That's the best way ever to spell wrath." And the whole time she wouldn't admit that is was about the blog. THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME. 


So I did what any self respecting, red-blooded American would do. I threatened her with legal action. 


No dice. She obviously isn't scared of the long arm of the law.


So here are some scenarios that I'm playing out in my head. 


1. She's a witch. She's going to put a curse on me, and that's what she was warning about. Maybe she's going to pray down the "rath" of God on me. Either way, I can only hope that she does what that dude in that one Stephen King book did. "Thinnerrrrrrrrrrr..." No diets, FTW!


2. She's going to try to take out some form of "justice" on my vehicle. I'll be the first to admit, the prospect of paying for tires or an insurance claim is kind of lame. So maybe I can confuse her. I drive a white Mercury Milan. Matter of fact, IT'S IN YOUR DRIVEWAY! SCRATCH IT! 


3. She's going to eventually have me killed in my sleep. In the words of Snoop Dogg, "I done seen everything but God anyway." Naw. Seriously, I don't want to die. Don't kill me. I have so much unfinished business left here like...well, um...let's see...more blogs? OH! Duke basketball! It's the start of the season! I don't want to miss it because we're going to be REALLY good this year. Also there's that whole adoption thing. Kids and what not. The love. 

So there are my 3 possibilities.

Now for the serious part.

Listen, I know you're probably reading this right now. So maybe you realize...THAT THERE IS NO SERIOUS PART! This is a HUMOR blog, you ninny, and it will continue to be one. I'm not going to threaten you back, I'm not going to call you ugly and say you can't read well. Enjoy your time on my blog, and thanks for telling all your friends and family about it so my page gets more hits.

Just try not to give my vehicle quite as many, okay?

ZING.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A Little Something About My Drive To Work...

Most of you know my drive to work sucks more than a Dyson on cocaine.

Today however, it reached a new point.

Back in this post, I outlined a couple of roads where people like to pull out in front of me on my drive. Usually when this happens I'm running at about 70 MPH, and when they pull out in front of me, I have to lock up my brakes and pray to the Good Lord that I don't rear end them. It also cuts into my Facebook/Twitter/Text time on the drive to work.

Unacceptable.

This morning, as I was driving along at about 70 MPH, a lady pulled *almost* into the intersection, and then slammed on her brakes, bringing her just inches from her car jutting out into the roadway. I had already started applying easy brake pressure, but I was able to back off and continue along. This prompted me to be nice, and instead of giving her the finger, I just kind of held both of my hands up in a "What the heck?" kind of gesture.

She copycatted me.

Well, things had clearly escalated. She wanted to act like she had done nothing wrong, so in order to make sure that she KNEW she had messed up, I flipped her off. Now. I've been trying to get back in church and straighten my life up a bit in preparation for kids and...you know...eternity and what not, so I'll be the first to tell you I felt kind of ashamed to be driving by her with my middle finger at full mast. However, it felt pretty satisfying too. "There. She now knows she's wrong, and she knows never to drive like an idiot again." Those were my words as I sped happily on down the road, feeling good about my ability to be a teacher of the rules and regulations of the Oklahoma Highway System.

When I passed this lady in the intersection we were about 10 minutes from town. She was also about 10-15 cars back from me on a road that is barely accommodating of 2 cars side by side, much less open for passing.  Folks, I'm here to tell you, this lady overtook 15 freaking cars and caught up to me at the last intersection before I turned to pull into my work.

SHE FLIPPED ME OFF.

Oh snap.

Let me set the situation up for you with a little picture.

Here's what went down. I was turning, and as I turned, I gave the lady the "Come here" hand. You know the one. Palm facing you, bringing all 4 fingers down towards you then release and repeat. The one you give when you want to let someone know you'll fight them, but you're too lazy to start it. 

The reaction I got seemed as though I gave her the "GET OVER HERE!" hand, as seen here: 





I CRAP YOU NOT, this lady slammed on her brakes in the EXACT spot as indicated in the picture above, then attempted to take the white arrow route to get back to me. WITH OTHER TRAFFIC BEHIND HER.

I'll let that sink in. 

I am so glad I made it into my parking lot safe and sound. I don't think I wanted to have to fight this chick. Mostly because as crazy as she was, I'm pretty sure I'd have gotten my butt kicked. Also now I've been going out randomly to the parking lot to make sure I still have a nice paint job and my tires haven't been slashed. 

And that's my drive to work this morning. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. 

Friday, November 5, 2010

More From The Adoption Front.

So I'm stressed.

Tomorrow we have to go to the last class, which consists of a potluck dinner and listening to a bunch of kids tell us about how they've aged out of the program because no one wanted them.

Yeah.

They want us (people who are willing to adopt) to sit through a panel of teenagers who no one wanted. I honestly don't think I'll make it through tomorrow without crying like a 10 year old schoolgirl who has just been punched in the arm by the boy who likes her. I've made it through 4 classes and countless horrifying and terrible statistics without shedding so much as a tear, but I know tomorrow will break me.

We had our first Home Visit Monday, and to be honest it felt like a 2 hour verbal rectal examination. I think this coming Monday will be worse. We're at the end of the process folks. You know that old saying about tying a knot in the end of the rope and hanging on? I've got the knot tied, but I'm struggling to maintain the strength to hold on. I'm not funny anymore. I've pretty much given up on the comedy thing for now. I'm gaining all my weight back that I lost. I'm taking things out on friends. I'm taking things out on my readers.

I'm stressed.

But I'm not stressed because I'm doing something I'm not supposed to be doing. I'm stressed because I'm taking the biggest leap of my life. I'm about to claim responsibility for the lives of two children. Two people who will look to me for guidance and understanding about why the world has treated them so badly. Two people who will call me daddy and love me unconditionally, until they're teenagers when they will hate me unconditionally.

We'll more than likely be included in the meeting the Case Managers have in December to pick out available kids we might like. Which means that if we make a decision in December, we might have kids before Christmas.

Christmas.

Will this be my first Christmas with children?

Also, the adoption is not finalized until six months after we get the children. You know what can happen in that six months? A long lost family member can suddenly show up and take our kids away from us. No consideration on our part, just, "Well, thanks for watching them, they're going home now."

What?

How would we be expected to recover from that? I can't, and I WON'T compare it to a miscarriage, because I don't think it's even close to the same. However, I will say that it is probably the next worst thing. About the time you are starting to realize how much you love YOUR kids, they can get taken away. I don't think that's right at all, and I pray every day that this never happens to us.

But what if it does?

What if after we adopt Alicia gets pregnant?

What if the kids have some sort of undiagnosed problem when we get them?

What if I lose my job?

What if, what if, what if?

I know y'all don't have the answers. I don't expect you to be able to comfort or console me, and I don't expect there to be much more tolerance of these "non-funny" blogs, although some would argue they never were funny to begin with.

The Missus told me today that she likes to read my blogs because I always say more on here than I do in real life. I guess that's true. I've always liked to write as opposed to talk. After she reads this, she may realize that she's bringing children into a household with a crazy man and run off and leave me. I can't say that I'd blame her.

I'm ready, y'all. I am. Don't get me wrong. I'm ready to be a daddy. I'm ready for sleepless nights and diapers and giving advice on how to properly start fires. I'm ready to discipline, I'm ready to teach, I'm ready to learn. The thing is, all that is coming at me faster than your mom, and right now I'm just stressed about it. It's okay to be stressed though. Surely I'm not the only would-be parent that's stressed about it. And I don't think I'll be the last.

So bear with me and give me some time, and I'll turn this whole thing around to where it was, only maybe a little cleaner because my kids might one day stumble over this jewel, and I don't want them getting the wrong impression of their dad.

Geez. I've got to go hide my archives.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Why I'm Beginning To Hate Star Trek.

There are a few people who stopped reading at the title, loudly exclaimed, "HERESY!" to no one in particular, closed the window abruptly and stopped following me on every form of social media they could.

To those people I say: "I hate you, and your breath smells like rotten cabbage."

Shh...they'll never know I said that. Cause they stopped following...see? Never mind.

When I was a small kid, my dad loved Star Trek TNG. My mom hated it, and she hated the fact that my dad watched it. It got so bad that one night I walked in the living room where my dad was watching it, and I started crying. He asked me what was wrong, I told him he was watching a bad show and he shouldn't be. He then told me it was an awesome show, and I instantly became a fan. Then when he stopped watching it, I picked it up and had to work out a deal with my mom where I got to watch it every other night while it was in syndication on UPN.

So why am I starting to hate it now?

Mostly because all of the cool stuff it promised us. You might be saying to yourself, "Travis, what exactly did they PROMISE us?" The truth is, it was never a spoken promise. It was a subliminal message of better things to come, and they haven't gotten here yet, and I've got to tell you, I'm being inconvenienced over here in Oklahoma, and that just won't fly.

So here's the list of wicked cool stuff we were unconsciously promised by Star Trek: The Next Generation.

1. World Peace - Okay, so I'm pretty sure I've given up on this, simply because I think it's mostly Jesus' job. However, just a LITTLE bit of world peace would be pretty cool. I'm tired of hearing about those poor Jews over there trying to defend themselves constantly, and then you have the "War on Terror" where we've solemnly sworn to take every last BB gun from any country sittin on the ol' black gold, which is surprisingly NOT a euphemism for Dr. Dre's #1 records. I want world peace as much as the next guy, but truth be told the only time that's going to happen is when the zombies have killed everyone. Zombie peace, FTW!

2. Transporters - Listen. This is getting old. The last 3 weeks of my life have been filled with road construction. It used to take me 30 minutes to get to work, now it takes 45-60 minutes, and I'M FRICK FRACKING TIRED OF IT. Meanwhile, Star Trek people are zipping to and from galaxies with the ease of pushing a button, and aside from a little transporter hiccup every 10th episode, things are just peachy. And for sure, I wouldn't mind taking the risk of becoming a randomly shifting group of particles flowing throughout the universe. Heck, that's gotta be pretty cool anyway. I'd just spend my days quietly coalescing in a corner. (Yes, that was a Hitchhikers Guide reference) But anyway, I want a transporter. I'm looking at you, scientists.

3. Food Replicators - In all seriousness, I shouldn't even have to explain this one. Step one: your stomach growls. Step two: you walk to your wall. Step three: you say, "Hey thingy, make me a sammich." Step four: "What kind of sandwich would you like?" Step five: carefully consider your options. Step six: order a Reuben, because they are effing awesome. Step seven: a Reuben sammich comes to life before your very eyes, made with the most tender beef and tartest sauerkraut to every tantalize your taste buds. Step eight: order a beer to go with it. Step nine: you aren't hungry anymore. Those nine steps take 30 seconds with a food replicator, and they take 2 1/2 hours if you're dealing with a retard at the local fast food place, and the sauerkraut isn't even that tart.

4. Holodecks - Again, something I shouldn't even have to explain. "Holodeck, I need Megan Fox, naked, with better thumbs and in the mood for some hot lovin and a tolerance for premature ejaculation." A couple of beeps later and you're having the time of your life. You know what? Scratch everything else on this list. If just the holodeck gets invented, I'm pretty sure everything else would fall into place. "Listen, these guys want to go to war with someone." "Well, put em in the holodeck." There's your world peace.

5. Tricorders - I think we currently have all the things a tricorder could do, but all of those things are really big, and if you put them together on one device, I'm pretty sure you'd need something the size of Rhode Island to carry it in. Plus it would really slow you down when you needed to whip it out fast to check out something suspicious like a random rock or tree. Let's make these machines smaller, and put them on a cell phone.

6. Communicators - I like cell phones better. Comms didn't even give you a choice if you wanted to answer. It beeped, you were live. Unless you got some sort of alien force field to mess it all up. I'll stick with an "FU" button, thanks.

7. Klingons - You want to meet one, I want to meet one, we all want to see one fight in the UFC cage match. $6,000.00 for pay per view? I think so.

8. Better Health Care - If Obama wants to impress me, he needs to come up with a healthcare plan that involves a hot ginger doctor holding up a painted white out container with flashing lights on it that makes me skinny, THEN make it free. I'll vote for that. Twice.

9. Phasers - How many of us would honestly use stun? Vaporization is where it's at.

10. Hot Android on Human Action - Eight words say it all: "I am fully functional, programmed in multiple techniques."

Things I DON'T WANT from Star Trek:


1. The Borg
2. Cardassians
3. Hot female counselors who know when I'm lying
4. Space-Time continuums
5. The Borg