Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Old Testament God Not to Blame For Recent Fish/Bird Deaths in Arkansas, But It Might Be Elvis..


BEEBE, ARKANSAS - Thousands of dead blackbirds rained from the heavens on December 31st in Beebe, Arkansas, a town with a population of about 5,000. "It was crazy," said a local. "We were a six pack up and a hit of meth in, and thought we were seeing things. Then my baby double dog dared me to go touch one, so I sent the 5 year old out with a pair of dishwashin gloves to touch it. She said it was real. That shook us sober real quick." 

Just a day before, on December 30th, there were 80 to 100,000 dead drum fish found dead on the banks of the Arkansas river just 125 miles west of Beebe. Scientists have determined that the fish all died of some kind of disease, but they can't say what. People fishing the river at the time described it as a "miracle." When asked his opinion on the matter, one area fisherman commented, "Do you know how much we hate drum? Have you ever eaten a drum? You have any idea the best way to cook one? I have a joke for you about that. You take a slab of hickory and you nail..." He was cut off mid-sentence when he was elbowed sharply by his friend who said, "That's my momma's secret recipe, you dummy!" 

We talked to a local pastor about the situation and he had this to say. "I can tell you this, it's not of God. Do you have any idea what kind of God we serve? Have you read the Old Testament? If this was God, it wouldn't have been drum, it would have been crappie. And let me tell you this, blackbirds wouldn't have fallen from the sky, they would have multiplied by a thousand and there would have been locusts everywhere. This for sure wasn't Old Testament God, I think it was aliens. If it was God, then finally, in His infinite wisdom, He got this one right." 

Other people we interviewed talked about Hitchcock, M. Night Shyamalan, and Elvis. There were a wide variety of reactions, ranging from fear to humor to flat out lunacy. One person we talked to said that she thought the birds were killed by a combination of the thunderstorm and fireworks that were happening on New Years Eve. She's currently being ostracized by her community, and has been ordered to house arrest for an undetermined amount of time.  

Jeffrey Lee and Leroy Jeffrey, cousins, express their delight
at the death of the drum and blackbirds.
One thing everyone agrees on though,  is that fishing and bird feeding has certainly gotten better in Arkansas.  "We can finally fill our feeders up again," said one man. "There used to be a time when all we saw was blackbirds. You know how we feel about black things here. Now I can look forward to some  good ol God-fearin seagulls coming back around. They're so beautiful. And catfishin! I can finally catch a mess of catfish without some gol-dern drum muckin things up. Speakin of, have you heard the best way to cook one of those things?"