Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"Hang On, I'll Google It."

not an actual search

A long time ago, one of the people who inspired me to start blogging did a post about the Google searches that led people to his site. His name is Johnny Virgil, and you should definitely go see his blog. It made "Blog of Note" not too long ago, and it was very well deserved. He also has a book out, and while you're on the site, you should buy it. Heck, buy two. Either way, go see him by clicking here.

I tweeted at him and asked if I could put my hand in the honey pot of his creativity, and he told me that would cost $100 and that there couldn't be any eye contact. I then explained that I just wanted to plagiarize him and not do anything sexual, and then we got it all lined out and he basically said I could do it for free.*

So here it goes, folks. Google searches that have led people to my site.

Fat ginger karate: I'm going to just choose to not be offended by this. I mean, this person obviously doesn't know that by googling these words he's unlocked a ginger curse that will follow him for 10 years. I don't make the ginger rules, folks.

Girls sex with fish: This could only be a Japanese man. I can't think of any other race or gender to google this set of words. I also think I'm pretty ashamed that this search led him to my blog. From here, the only thing that could possibly be worse is if I gave this Japanese man the sexual gratification he was looking for somewhere on my blog.

Hi my name is Travis and I am gay: ERRONEOUS! ERRONEOUS ON ALL COUNTS!

Twat Maine fisherwoman: Sometimes there are words put together in a Google search that have to be an accident. This HAS to be an accident, right? I mean, you go to Google, you get up for a second because your kid just tried to lick a light socket, you get him lined out, and you come back to realize that in your absence a book fell on your keyboard and just happened to hit the right letters to type out "Twat Maine fisherwoman" and you think, "Man, that was close, I'm glad it didn't hit enter too," and then you hit backspace, but because you were thinking about the enter key you hit that instead and now you have a really short amount of time to delete your history before your wife walks in, but you can't delete the pictures from your mind that you saw when you asked Google about the twats of fisherwomen in Maine. This is the only acceptable explanation in my mind.

Cool hair music fish: Google + LSD = this search.

Furnitures for midgets: I am honored that the little people have chosen to land on my site when searching for their furniture. I would like to let them know that I am going to start a small furniture line called "Midgetstuff" that will be available sometime in the spring of 2014. Beds, couches, chairs, tables, and all the accessories for the classy and refined vertically challenged person. To be honest, I'm glad I landed a minority (no pun intended, big guys) demographic here, because truthfully, a lot of searchers come to my blog because they hate the gays.

Arkansas bird deaths god: I know what post got them here, I can only hope they found some comfort in my fake newspaper article, where I plainly state that it wasn't an act of God that led to the death of all those pretty birdies.

How do boobs look like when aroused: I've got to level here with you here, I have no idea. When I get around to arousing a woman, I'll let you know. Also, since the person who googled that is probably 13, I'd like to tell them to stay off my blog. I got adult situations and foul language on here, kid. Go back to watching Family Guy.

and finally...

How to put the my tik in her ass: I'm assuming that by "my tik" you're talking about either a.) a hamster, b.) your man parts, or c.) an actual tick. I think no matter which way you're going with this it's a bad idea. Typically, unless a woman is in the adult film industry and therefore has no self respect, you're going to need to just try to stick things in her...ahem...lady parts, and leave the backside alone. Also, I would limit my options to "b" if in fact the woman has agreed to let you put anything there. I haven't actually interviewed any women about this, but I feel pretty confident that most would shy away from a hamster or tick going anywhere near their downstairs. However, give it another ten years, and I'm sure the fetish you're after will roll around to being popular. Good luck though.

Hope you enjoyed it, readers. If it goes over well I'll probably do it again soon. I have over a thousand of these searches, and this was just the tip (heh) of the iceberg.

*This conversation may or may not have taken place like this. Mostly may not.