Saturday, March 26, 2011

"Friday," And Why Music Sucks Now.

I started hearing about it sometime last week. "Rebecca Black this, Rebecca Black that. She's going to be on the news, she's started her own Twitter account, she's taking the nation by storm." Last week was a busy week, so I immediately filed her name under the portion of my brain marked "Things to Google," along with the earthquake in Japan, the last person Chris Brown punched, and those pole dancers for Jesus.

When I decided I wanted to know a little more, I talked with Mandy about it. She said, and I quote: "Once you see it, it can't be unseen." So I pulled up youtube, settled back in my chair, and allowed the following lyrics to wash over me in a see of auto-tuned and mono-rhythmic chaos.

(Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark) 
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah 
Yeah, yeah 
Yeah-ah-ah 
Yeah-ah-ah 
Yeah-ah-ah 
Yeah-ah-ah 
Yeah, yeah, yeah 


Seven a.m., waking up in the morning 
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs 
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal 
Seein' everything, the time is goin' 
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin' 
Gotta get down to the bus stop 
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends) 


Kickin' in the front seat 
Sittin' in the back seat 
Gotta make my mind up 
Which seat can I take? 


It's Friday, Friday 
Gotta get down on Friday 
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend 
Friday, Friday 
Gettin' down on Friday 
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend 


Partyin', partyin' (Yeah) 
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah) 
Fun, fun, fun, fun 
Lookin' forward to the weekend 


7:45, we're drivin' on the highway 
Cruisin' so fast, I want time to fly 
Fun, fun, think about fun 
You know what it is 
I got this, you got this 
My friend is by my right, ay 
I got this, you got this 
Now you know it 


Kickin' in the front seat 
Sittin' in the back seat 
Gotta make my mind up 
Which seat can I take? 


It's Friday, Friday 
Gotta get down on Friday 
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend 
Friday, Friday 
Gettin' down on Friday 
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend 

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah) 
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah) 
Fun, fun, fun, fun 
Lookin' forward to the weekend 


Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday 
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin') 
We-we-we so excited 
We so excited 
We gonna have a ball today 


Tomorrow is Saturday 
And Sunday comes after ... wards 
I don't want this weekend to end 


R-B, Rebecca Black 
So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat) 
In the back seat (In the back seat) 
I'm drivin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah) 
Fast lanes, switchin' lanes 
Wit' a car up on my side (Woo!) 
(C'mon) Passin' by is a school bus in front of me 
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream 
Check my time, it's Friday, it's a weekend 
We gonna have fun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all 


It's Friday, Friday 
Gotta get down on Friday 
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend 
Friday, Friday 
Gettin' down on Friday 
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend 


Partyin', partyin' (Yeah) 
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah) 
Fun, fun, fun, fun 
Lookin' forward to the weekend 


It's Friday, Friday 
Gotta get down on Friday 
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend 
Friday, Friday 
Gettin' down on Friday 
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend 


Partyin', partyin' (Yeah) 
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah) 
Fun, fun, fun, fun 
                                                         Lookin' forward to the weekend

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/friday-lyrics-rebecca-black.html ]

Upon hearing the song AND watching the video, I came to the following conclusion. Anyone under the age of 15 that tries to make music should be shot in the face. The ONLY people I'd let slide on that law would be Taylor Swift and that Billy what's his nuts kid that was big in country music until he hit puberty. You know, the one that sang about bullying before it was cool to kill yourself over being bullied. The "One Voice" kid. He was a mother lovin lyrical genius, and he made you THINK. Taylor Swift speaks for herself, and she does it beautifully. What is she now, 13? 14? Has to be that, she's still an A-cup.

Anyway, I'm going to do sort of a lyrical breakdown of the song "Friday," and once again explain to you just why music sucks so much now.

1. "Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs." - This has to be blamed on the bombardment of vaginal cleansers on the market today. There's no other explanation for it, and now these young girls are feeling pressured. It's sad, really. Unless of course I'm misinterpreting that whole phrase.

2. In the video, she's gonna have to ride the bus, but apparently she has some legal driving age buddies that pull up right behind the bus. Like they're just following the bus to school, just to torment the kids getting on the bus because they can drive and the other kids can't. That's bullyin, y'all, and I won't stand for it. Neither would that little Billy kid. Anyway, she's got this dilemma. Should she take the bus or hop in her friend's overcrowded convertible? In my opinion, if she spent more than 1 second or syllable thinking about it, I'm out. I'll leave her in the dust, and hopefully the bus driver would too. Shoot, then she's singing while she's walking, and that's tough.

3. All I have to say about the chorus is this: She ain't lyin. I sing this song every Friday, and I can tell you that I am personally looking forward to the weekend. It's Saturday right now, I was singing the chorus all day yesterday. The only difference between her and I is that I haven't made a music video about it...yet. She sorta beat me to the punch on that one. Freakin creative teenagers these days, I'm still with The Groom, and blaming it on the hormones in the chicken.

4. Also during the chorus, she sort of teaches you about the days of the week. This makes me think it would be a good song to play in both Kindergarten and old folk's homes. You know, to keep em up to date on the days of the week and their progression. There is a 93 year old man somewhere, all sexual excitement aside, that would love to watch that video just for it's memory retention powers. I say that because once you hear the song once, as Mandy said, you can't forget it. Not even Alzheimer's can take it from you, which leads me to believe that Miss Black has stumbled onto some sort of cure.

5. She got a black dude to do a rap solo, a rap solo that will go down as possibly the whitest rap solo since the last time Wayne Brady did...well, anything. Turns out, this dude produces music videos for a bunch of little rich white girls that have daddy's money but are not yet old enough to sleep their way to the top. In other words, he's a got dang financial genius. If I was black and seemed harmless to white people, this is EXACTLY how I'd prepare for retirement in today's crumbling economic development. Dude is probably set for life, and he's probably banging the moms of all these rich white girls on the side. That's win win.

6. Finally, I'd like to address the fact that she's "partyin." In all seriousness, how lame are 14 year old's parties? If I ever have to go to one of those when I'm raising kids, I'll probably fake sick. You can go to exactly 2 places. The skating rink or Incredible Pizza. (For the record, if the party in question is at Incredible Pizza, I'll go.) All these hormone riddled teens stare awkwardly at one another while the girls talk about how cute the boys are except for that one kid with the acne who'll later go on to build a space shuttle, and all the boys try not to stand up too quick because they've gotten a surprise erection while staring at little Kimmie's C-cups. I'm telling y'all, IT'S THE CHICKEN. Meanwhile they're all talking about how lame stuff is, and what they're going to do on spring break, and how that one kid's mom is too strict to be a chaperon.

So in closing, did this song need to be made? No. Does it suck harder than a single mom of 3 in a strip club? Yes. But seriously, leave this girl alone. She made a music video. I've been planning on making a music video for over a year now, and I haven't done it. She not only has one upped me in the "gettin stuff done" department, she also probably has already blown my music video out of the water in both quality of the video and quality of auto-tune. Also, she totally had a better music video than you, unless of course you're any band from the 90's.

Rebecca Black, you'll never read this, but if you do, I commend you for what you've done. Now. Please stop doing it.

Thanks.