Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Cashing In On Charlie "SEO" Sheen.

I got a Facebook invite yesterday for this blog carnival where all we do is make fun of Charlie Sheen. This is my go at it. I'm pretty sure you can click his face up there to go to the original post and see others. Stay away from his lips though. Your mouse pointer could get herpes. 

Want to know the first thing that pops into my brain when I hear the name Charlie Sheen? It was 1995 or so, I was in the 7th grade and just starting to rebel against my parents by watching movies I wasn't allowed to. I was at a friends house, and we started watching "The Chase." You know that scene where ol girl starts hunching on him in the car while he's trying to outrun the cops? That scene is forever etched in my post-pubescent brain. I remember thinking, "Sex in a car? That's amazing! While he's driving! That's awesome! Get naked get naked get naked take your shirt off get naked get naked."

My next thought on Charlie Sheen? That scene in Hot Shots: Part Deux, where the chick is about to bone him, and she does like a triple axle somersault off a balcony and lands on him cowgirl style. I'm almost positive you see some side boob in that shot. It was one of those scenes where I couldn't get out of my seat for a while because hormones were raging and an embarrassing situation would have...ahem..."arisen." That scene is also partially responsible for an injury I sustained on my honeymoon, and no, I won't elaborate. 

But now? All my mind has been filled with over the past few days is about how the man has tiger blood, how he has the genetic make-up of a god, and how he hates the Jews or something. I'll be real honest with you, Chuck. I've let "Two and a Half Men" go. I've let the fact that you like cocaine and prostitutes go. I've let a lot of stuff slide, and it's mostly because of the amount of tang you got in your films in the 90's. 

All those good, wholesome memories I have of you getting laid in exciting new ways have been tarnished. Now every time I look at you I wonder when they're going to find you dead on the floor of some crappy apartment in Key West, over dosed on a mixture of powdered sugar, Cascade dishwasher detergent, and kitty litter. You know, something you mixed up because you were bored of coke, but didn't want to lose the look of coke. You know what I'm talking about, don't you Chuck?  

I'm going to leave you alone now, Chuck, but not before I tell you how you can redeem yourself. Now I know that you probably have people pitching you movie ideas all the time, but this is a can't miss, Chuck. It's good stuff. It will also pretty much clear you of all of this "crazy" talk. I know you're not crazy. I know you're just bored. So pay attention, and you'll get through this. 

Scene 1:

The mood is set with the song "All I Do is Win" by DJ Khaled

The camera pans in from an ocean view to a balcony. On that balcony is a topless woman. That woman is none other than the legendary Halle Berry. Then the camera sweeps down a cliff side, revealing a view of a man sleeping on the beach. That man is none other than you, Chuck. You're smiling like you know what's about to happen. Camera up, Halle Berry is running to the edge of the balcony. She launches herself off of the balcony, does 3 flips and sort of a superwoman flying thing, and lands on top of you, straddling you, smiling and ready for the lovin. Just before you begin, a great white shark jumps out of the water with a condom for you. You say, "No, I got this. She's clean." You immediately satisfy her, then you go get in a car. In your car is Alyssa Milano. She smiles at you. You say, "Already?" and kind of smile at the camera. You know the smile, the one where you channel your inner Adonis. You punch the gas. The camera view is now through the windshield. In the background are a large number of Borg spaceships. They're coming at you, warp 10, but you're not worried, you're driving a 1993 Mercury Cougar with the turbo on it. You gun it. Keeping both hands on the wheel is important, but Alyssa needs help taking her bra off. Why? Because y'all are about to get it on. That's right, while the Borg are chasing you. She hops on, briefly taking your eyes off the road. This causes you to run off the road, but it's a slow fall off the cliff, Inception style. As you're falling, you make the sweet, tender love to Milano, then the car crashes to the beach, intact. IT'S THE SAME BEACH THAT THE LAST CHICK IS ON. She's still laying there with a dazed and pleased look on her face, but she sees you get out of the car with an equally dazed and pleased Alyssa Milano. They both look at you expectantly. Quick cut to the shark, who is still there, only this time with two condoms. The camera zooms in on you, smiling, and you wink and say, "AGAIN?" 

Then the car explodes. 

End scene
Credits roll

And THAT is how you redeem yourself, Chuck. Holla at me if you need a director, but save some of that coke for me. I've got some pounds I could stand to lose.