Monday, March 7, 2011

On Endangering Lives.

Yesterday, about 2 miles from my house, two knucklehead teenagers set a fire that burned 20 acres and, more importantly, almost an entire neighborhood. They were arrested and could be charged with a bunch of stuff, including arson and endangering lives. That got me to thinkin, how many times have I endangered lives? So I decided to do...

I've been thinking for a while, and the first story that pops into my head is the time that I got my first slingshot. Most of you know what a slingshot is, some of you don't. Here's a picture. 

This is almost the exact model I had. 
I got one of these things when I was a young kid, probably in the 5th grade or so. My dad thought it would be a good idea for me to have one, and I'm absolutely certain my mom was horrified. However, my dad won out, and I got a slingshot, along with some nifty "slingshot BBs." These things were made out of steel, and about the size of a marble. They were for killing things like squirrels, birds, rabbits, etc. Unfortunately, I never got to shoot it at any of those things. 

Y'all remember when I blogged about the only accuracy I've ever had has been accidental? Well, that trend started with this story. My dad took me out to the back yard, and then he started setting up a target (a coffee can with a bullseye on it) in the yard while I sat on the porch, impatiently fidgeting with my brand new toy. I thought, "Man, I should load this up. That way as soon as he gets done, I can shoot." So I loaded it up. Then I thought, "Man, I should sight this bad boy in, that way I know what I'm doing." So I pulled the band back, sighted in the target, and sat there for a second, my father blissfully unaware that his son was pointing a loaded weapon at him. Then, it happened. I slipped. I didn't even have time to gasp before that steel ball bearing slammed into the can, knocking it from my fathers hands as he was trying to get it set right. Accuracy? Only on accident. That was the last time I shot a slingshot until I bought my own about 3 years later. 

There was another occasion I endangered lives, only this time it was with homemade mustard gas. My brothers and I were playing "Keep the other one out of the bedroom." It was a game where you had a certain amount of time to set up defenses to keep the sibling out of the room they were trying to get in. Creative, eh? Don't judge us, we made do with what we had. The way our trailer was set up was with two bedrooms on either end, and a long hallway that led back to ours, with the washing machine, dryer and bathroom all situated in that hallway. It was my turn to set up the defense system, and I had just recently watched Home Alone, and I thought, "Man, I should set this up to where he slips and slides all the way down the hallway, then crashes into the door." So I got started. First, I bleached the floor. It was probably the cleanest that floor ever got. However, it didn't get it slick enough to be really slippery. I searched and searched, and finally figured out that if I used Windex, it would create a film on the floor that would rival the slipperiest of slides. So I got to spraying. After about 10 minutes, I ran into the living room coughing and crying and about three quarters dead, and that prompted my dad to go check things out. He wasn't back there 3 seconds and he started choking to death. My whole family had to evacuate the trailer, and that's the day I learned how to make mustard gas. 

My third and final story also involves gassing people, but this time I did it in a different way. When I worked at the jail, they upgraded from a meager, fear inducing facility to a brand new, state of the art fear inducing facility. Of all the changes that took place, one of them was a giant carport where officers could park and bring the freshly arrested or transferred prisoner in for processing. One night, I parked in the carport for giggles. It was night off, and I was up there talking with officers, joking around, all the stuff that you would expect to go on in a jail after midnight. After a while, I noticed that some of my jokes and stories were killing. You know how you get in a joke telling zone and people are about to piss themselves because they are laughing so hard? That was happening. I felt good. Then, a couple of us started to have a headache. Then all of us started complaining of a headache. About that time, someone asked me if my truck was still running. I got to my feet with some help, went in to the carport, and sure enough, my truck was running. Turns out, I had gassed the whole place up with exhaust fumes. I don't know how much longer it would have taken until we were dead, but I'm sure it wasn't too long. And that's how I almost killed several county officers of the peace at one time. 

So yeah, those two "juveniles" are idiots, but who among us hasn't almost killed a few people on accident? You should leave me a comment telling me about yours. Or you can link up with me and tell everyone on your blog!