Monday, April 4, 2011

And There...Rising From The Ashes...A Hero? But He's Fat.

I got the text message early Friday evening.

"Hey man, you still want to play?"

My reply: "Absolutely."

The game in question? Dodgeball. The last time I'd played? Oh, about the 8th grade. 15 years ago, give or take a few. But in the 8th grade, I was a hero. Kids fought over me, because I could catch anything. It's always been a gift of mine. I don't know if it's the large hands, the fast reflexes, or the double sided tape you ladies use for minimal boob exposure that I apply to my hands before each athletic performance. Maybe it's a combination of all three. But I was good, y'all. Very good.

So I jumped at the chance to play as a grown up. It was an all day tournament thing, we were guaranteed at least 3 games, one warm up, two for realsies. We got more if we won, so naturally we wanted to get our money's worth. We had some pretty athletic looking dudes on our team...and then me. I'm not what you'd call "in shape" unless the shape you're talking about is round.

We lined up for the first game, the ref said go, and I walked up to the boundary line, not in any rush to get a ball first. I don't throw all that well, and I am sure as sugar not going to win any foot races to get a ball. I'm just sort of standing there, looking around, and someone hurls a ball at me. I dodge it. I have successfully completed the rules of the namesake! However, someone else hurled a ball at me. It came straight for my chest.

I caught it.

Then I caught another one. Then one more, and we won the game.

Those of you that follow me on Twitter and Facebook kind of know how it went from there, so I'll hit the highlights.


  • We lost our second game, but battled back from the loser's bracket to fourth place. 
  • There were 3 games when it was me against 6 people. We won 2 of those games. 
  • I actually threw a couple of people out. 
  • I had a black guy come up to me in the parking lot after and tell me he was jealous of my skills. 
  • It was for real a black guy.
  • I had a guy come up to me after a game and say, "You can catch, mother f*cker." 
  • I had a pregnant mother come sit by me because I was catching balls on the sidelines. 
  • I got a couple of offers from other teams for next year. 
  • Ripley's wound up calling. They couldn't believe it. 
  • I only heard the phrase "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!" 457 times. 
  • Seriously. It was a black guy. 
So, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm a pretty dang fine dodgeball player. 

And the weekend didn't stop there. Saturday afternoon I got to go fishing with The Groom, who hasn't been in about 2 years. He caught four fish. I caught none. I've been fishing 3 times this year, I've reeled in zero fish. 

Then on Sunday night, our church had a "Barn Dance." I know you're thinking, "Southern Baptists, dancing?" And that's mostly what I thought too. But I have to tell you, I had a blast. Plus, I looked like this. 

Fellas, hide your gals. And your chickens.


It was a great weekend, but I'll be real honest. I feel like I've been hit with a truck. I could barely get out of bed this morning. Maybe I need to start exercising again instead of eating massive quantities of Mexican food and playing Words with Friends on my iPad 2. When the weather warms up, there will definitely be more tennis, that's for sure. 

So listen, if you need a dodgeball teammate, you give me a yell. Also, if you need a sexy cowboy, you give me a yell. But only iffen you're a fine lil lady. No dudes allowed.*

Hey, y'all also need to tell me if you like the Facebook Comment thing. I think it makes it easier to comment, plus you can do Anon if you don't want the world knowing your real name. Let me know what you think!

*Maybe if the money is right. Some restrictions apply.*

*No gay sex. That's the restriction.