Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Newton? Oh, His Laws Don't Apply To Me.

A while back, Johnny Virgil (my blog hero) posted a blog about having to choose who he should get behind at an intersection. It's a choice we've all had to make at some time or another, one with an immediate consequence if you pick wrong: you don't get to accelerate near as fast as you want to.

Before I launch into my story, I'd like you to know something about me. If I have a 50/50 chance at doing something correctly, I will inevitably pick the wrong thing. Allow me to elaborate. A USB flash drive has one way it can go in a computer. I have NEVER put it in the right way the first time. I always have to flip it over, sometimes more than once. Go ahead, make any sexual themed jokes in the comments below. It's the same way with docking my iPad 2 or iPod. If it's plugging something in, I never line the big plug up right the first time, I have to flip it. If I have to guess at True/False, I'll without exception choose the wrong one. Please don't ask me to help you choose between two tough decisions, because I will undoubtedly choose the one that will ensure your life will end in misery and a long, painful, slow death.

Now, back to yesterday, and the situation I found myself in. I was in a hurry, as usual, and I came up to an intersection with a vehicle in each lane, so I had to pick who I wanted to get behind. In the first lane, there was a mid 2000's Ford Mustang GT convertible. In the other lane...a big, boxy mail truck. As in a diesel truck with a big box on top. It's been my experience that Mustangs and mail trucks don't accelerate in the same fashion ever. So the choice wasn't even a choice, really. I settled in behind the car that belong to the mid-50's, slightly windblown couple sitting in it and waited for the green. The light turned green, and I goosed the gas in anticipation of a 0-45 time that would be in the under 5 second category. Then I IMMEDIATELY stomped on the brakes, having almost driven over the top of the shiny white sports car. Turns out, Mr. Mid-Life GT Mustang Crisis had decided today was the day he was going to save his $4 a gallon gas. He took off not as if there was an egg under the gas pedal, but a human embryo.

In the battle of Mass * Force = Acceleration, the winner will be the one I don't pick. Eat your heart out, Newton 


Needless to say, I yelled at him.

Oh yeah, and the mail truck? I've never seen a mail truck accelerate so fast before in all my days. I don't know if it had a turbo on it, maybe a cold air intake, or maybe he'd put one of those chips in there that make things go faster. I don't know. All I know is that thing took off like a bat out of hell.

So when I got to the next intersection, I was all set up to get behind the mail truck. I had been proven wrong, sour grapes aside, I knew what I needed to do. Then I saw the car in the other lane. This car had followed me all the way in to Muskogee, and the whole time they had proved that they were in just as much of a hurry as me. It was a little gold Dodge something or other, and the driver was a young man with a heavy foot and somewhere to be. So in what little time I had, I over-ruled myself and the decision to get behind the mail truck, instead opting for the "sure thing." I waited. The light turned green.

In the moments that followed, I learned two things. The first was a SOLID confirmation that in any given circumstance where there are two choices to be made, I will pick the wrong one. The second was that from here on out, I will NEVER get in a race with a mail truck. This dude had some horsepower, and he had driving skill to back that up. He successfully blocked me for 2 miles before I got around him, and when I did, he had a huge smile on his face.

I couldn't even be mad. I'd been bested by a mail truck.

Twice.

So if you and I are ever in a situation with a bomb, and I have to cut the red or green wire, and I don't have any clue about which one to cut so we both decide I should guess, then I want you to know I sincerely hope you have your affairs in order...because we're going to die. And if you've read this blog, you can't get mad at me either.


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